Think of You.
Originally written on Feb 16th 2018. I was having a hard time seeing past my tunnel vision, focused on "problems". Stuck in a rut of fighting, always fighting. Always bickering about stupid meaningless shit. Wondering if I end up down this road again. Worrying, in all honesty.
There's a topic on my mind. Something in the back of my head that I don't often talk about, but it's been present as of late.
I don't talk much about my life before my mid 20s, given that's less than a decade ago... but it's because I wasn't happy for most of it. Sometimes I wonder if I've blacked things out to forget. More so I wonder how I am who I am considering what I know I went through and the struggles, mental and physical, I faced. But, I'm here. And that's what I focus on.
There was a time where I would have said I was depressed, that I struggled with depression. But I never did anything about it. Never saw anyone, I rarely talked about it. Few of my friends could even tell I was 'unhappy'.
It's not as simple saying I choose to not be that way anymore. Rather I remind myself to focus on things that remind me life is so much more. I always try to find a silver-lining. By default, it was often the only way I could deal with what was happening. "Some good as to come out of this" because if not... I'm not sure where I would be or who I would be.
That doesn't mean things are easier. It doesn't mean I don't struggle. There are days, so many days, where it's so difficult to get out of bed. The physical exhaustion I feel simply being around people or having to do something by someone's else's schedule.
Sometimes I do things, small silly totally frivolous things to remind myself who I am and what I can do. I have earrings that I wear when I want to remind myself I am free. I can be whoever I want and do whatever I want, if I truly believe in it. There are socks I wear to remind myself... I can move mountains, I can relocation oceans. But most of all, that sometimes those mountains might only be the comforter I'm hiding under. And that's okay. If it's what gets me up and moving, no one has the right to judge me and what they don't see me struggle with.
And personally, I think that's something important for everyone to find for themselves. Finding a reason to move, something to hold yourself together. Even more important, to never lose yourself in someone else or in fixing someone else's problems. It's a lesson I had to learn time and time again. Punched right in the gut. Having the wind knocked out of me Falling flat on my ass. Bold, underline, underline: the hard way.
You end up unhappier ignoring yourself, for someone else, thinking it's for the better. It's a lie and lying to yourself is the fastest way to burn bridges and lose relationships. It's the quickest path to ending up in a worse way, in total helplessness in getting out.
The hardest thing in life, is telling yourself your worthy. Worth listening to. Worth deciding that it's okay to think of 'you'.
There's a topic on my mind. Something in the back of my head that I don't often talk about, but it's been present as of late.
I don't talk much about my life before my mid 20s, given that's less than a decade ago... but it's because I wasn't happy for most of it. Sometimes I wonder if I've blacked things out to forget. More so I wonder how I am who I am considering what I know I went through and the struggles, mental and physical, I faced. But, I'm here. And that's what I focus on.
There was a time where I would have said I was depressed, that I struggled with depression. But I never did anything about it. Never saw anyone, I rarely talked about it. Few of my friends could even tell I was 'unhappy'.
It's not as simple saying I choose to not be that way anymore. Rather I remind myself to focus on things that remind me life is so much more. I always try to find a silver-lining. By default, it was often the only way I could deal with what was happening. "Some good as to come out of this" because if not... I'm not sure where I would be or who I would be.
That doesn't mean things are easier. It doesn't mean I don't struggle. There are days, so many days, where it's so difficult to get out of bed. The physical exhaustion I feel simply being around people or having to do something by someone's else's schedule.
Sometimes I do things, small silly totally frivolous things to remind myself who I am and what I can do. I have earrings that I wear when I want to remind myself I am free. I can be whoever I want and do whatever I want, if I truly believe in it. There are socks I wear to remind myself... I can move mountains, I can relocation oceans. But most of all, that sometimes those mountains might only be the comforter I'm hiding under. And that's okay. If it's what gets me up and moving, no one has the right to judge me and what they don't see me struggle with.
And personally, I think that's something important for everyone to find for themselves. Finding a reason to move, something to hold yourself together. Even more important, to never lose yourself in someone else or in fixing someone else's problems. It's a lesson I had to learn time and time again. Punched right in the gut. Having the wind knocked out of me Falling flat on my ass. Bold, underline, underline: the hard way.
You end up unhappier ignoring yourself, for someone else, thinking it's for the better. It's a lie and lying to yourself is the fastest way to burn bridges and lose relationships. It's the quickest path to ending up in a worse way, in total helplessness in getting out.
The hardest thing in life, is telling yourself your worthy. Worth listening to. Worth deciding that it's okay to think of 'you'.