(no subject)
i have my 3 exams tomorrow and im going to fail. i can see me getting in there and having a panick attack or just sitting there staring into space or writing my own thing. its the only time when im surrounded by silence, but even in my head its still noisy. i want the noises to stop, the constant chit chat of strangers to go away and leave me alone. i know they wont, not until they are done with fucking me up. i feel so crap again recently. i was fine for a little while, content with my life and once again i feel like i want to die. every second im alive is painful. im so exhausted, im not sleeping at all. i feel so tired but when it comes to sleeping i cant. how fucked up is that! whats wrong with me? i need pills but i dont want them. im afraid they're going to change me, make me fat. im also scared of going back to my old ways, like i was last year. drugs, alcohol, getting through packs of pain killers everyday. i feel like i need to be dependant on something, or on someone. but im afraid i'll irritate them and they'll go off me. i need someone so save me from myself, to take me out of this body of disgust and be my saviour. but who? there is no one.