(no subject)
I'm a little sad today. Something weird happened and I don't know why but it makes me want to cry. I was on a field trip on capitol hill today at the Bulitt Center, the world's greenest building. It's on 15th and Madison. Pretty cool building, net 0 energy usage. After the field trip I went over to Madison Market. I am supposed to be going camping on the 2nd of June and there was a guy named Mitchel from the NWRH facebook that I was going to carpool with. Well, he works in the deli at Madison Market so I went by to see if he was working. I'm never up on the hill, yada yada yada. We've been talking via fb messanger for a few weeks, we've talked about meeting before the trip, I mean, we're going to central Oregon, we'll be in a car together for 14 hours.
So I went by the deli and asked for him and they said he wasn't there but they would tell him that I stopped by. When I asked for him they asked if I was serving him papers, I said "no, we're friends on facebook and haven't met, I was just in the neighborhood. I'll send him a message and tell him I was here." Which I did. I told him I was in the neighborhood and stopped by, not to be freaked out if his co-workers tell him some girl was there.
He sent me a message that said "Did you just randomly stop by my work?" Which led into basically chastising me. He said that he was creeped out because we had never met, and then I show up unannounced, and he didn't know it was me, and that when he is at work he is working and doesn't have time for guests. My guts just sank. It felt like Mike ripping me a new one, calling me crazy. I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal, considering we had been messaging each other and planning on meeting up. Maybe I should had just looked around to see if he was there and not asked for him. Either way, I felt like his response was way out of line. My first repsonse to him was "Hey, sorry to freak you out, I was in the neighborhood, it won't happen again." Then he sent another message about why it was inappropriate.
I went to NWRH and talked to Lanny. I was visibly upset and started crying. Lanny told me to not talk to him, and that he over reacted. I sent the guy another message that said "Sorry, but carpooling isn't going to work out, take care." There is NO WAY I am sitting next to this guy for 14 hours. Not after he's chastised and embarrassed me. He sent me more messages that he was sorry for the reaction and blah blah blah, that he was freaked out because he had just been served papers at work. I said "No harm no fowl, sorry I freaked out out." Then he responded if carpooling was still a no-go. I'm not even going to respond. I still feel weird and embarrassed.
If I were at work and someone came in and was like "yo! We've been talking online, we're going camping together in a few weeks" I would not act like that at all.
I guess I am super tired of being called crazy or whatever. I have no ill will towards anyone, I don't wish harm or pain for anybody. I try so hard to make other people happy and comfortable just to continually be shit on. It makes me sad. Why am I always going out of my way to make other people happy and in return...
I did respond to Mike BTW. I don't even want to really get into it. The whole point of the letter was to make me feel better, to get the last word, whatever. But he sent me that text message calling me crazy and trying to make it sound like he didn't want to be with me the whole time. I told him to quit trying to re-write history, I was there, I remember how indecisive he was, and how he wanted me there. I told him that I might think he is a dick, but I'm not trying to change the storyline of how things happened. I told him that he wasn't a saint, that I felt alone, and that it isn't abnormal for me to miss his kids, most of the time I spent in BG was with and for them. I had more of a relationship with them than I did with him. Most of all, I told him that I was hurt because no matter what happened between us, I still valued his opinion, I valued him as a person and I only wanted the best for him. Despite everything, and him being a dick, I still wanted him to be happy.
I really don't understand how people go from enjoying eachother to hating eachother. It makes no sense to me. Especially because we didn't fight or abuse eachother. It's not like our relationship was horrible, it just didn't work out. It's just like fucking Laramie all over again.
Anways. I'm exhausted of other people at the moment. I'm tired of being messaged by dudes I don't want to talk to and ignored by the ones that I do want to talk to. I'm tired of telling people no and having them harrass me constantly trying to get me to say yes. I just want to be valued and respected by someone.
I'm not really looking to the camping trip at the moment. I feel like if I go I'll be out of place, that Jake might think it's weird that I am there, or he'll ignore me, or pretend like he doesn't know me? Kinda like Tre used to do to me for all those years? Lanny said I can hang out with him, but I kinda think that I should just not go and let the guys all hang out and leave them alone. I'm super nervous that Jake is going to think I'm crazy for showing up, and that he isn't going to want me there. It's a long way to drive to be disappointed. Because yeah, I do want to see him, and talk to him, and maybe I don't want to flaunt that we've slept together, but I want him to acknowledge me. It's 10 days away. I hope to figure it out before then.
So I went by the deli and asked for him and they said he wasn't there but they would tell him that I stopped by. When I asked for him they asked if I was serving him papers, I said "no, we're friends on facebook and haven't met, I was just in the neighborhood. I'll send him a message and tell him I was here." Which I did. I told him I was in the neighborhood and stopped by, not to be freaked out if his co-workers tell him some girl was there.
He sent me a message that said "Did you just randomly stop by my work?" Which led into basically chastising me. He said that he was creeped out because we had never met, and then I show up unannounced, and he didn't know it was me, and that when he is at work he is working and doesn't have time for guests. My guts just sank. It felt like Mike ripping me a new one, calling me crazy. I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal, considering we had been messaging each other and planning on meeting up. Maybe I should had just looked around to see if he was there and not asked for him. Either way, I felt like his response was way out of line. My first repsonse to him was "Hey, sorry to freak you out, I was in the neighborhood, it won't happen again." Then he sent another message about why it was inappropriate.
I went to NWRH and talked to Lanny. I was visibly upset and started crying. Lanny told me to not talk to him, and that he over reacted. I sent the guy another message that said "Sorry, but carpooling isn't going to work out, take care." There is NO WAY I am sitting next to this guy for 14 hours. Not after he's chastised and embarrassed me. He sent me more messages that he was sorry for the reaction and blah blah blah, that he was freaked out because he had just been served papers at work. I said "No harm no fowl, sorry I freaked out out." Then he responded if carpooling was still a no-go. I'm not even going to respond. I still feel weird and embarrassed.
If I were at work and someone came in and was like "yo! We've been talking online, we're going camping together in a few weeks" I would not act like that at all.
I guess I am super tired of being called crazy or whatever. I have no ill will towards anyone, I don't wish harm or pain for anybody. I try so hard to make other people happy and comfortable just to continually be shit on. It makes me sad. Why am I always going out of my way to make other people happy and in return...
I did respond to Mike BTW. I don't even want to really get into it. The whole point of the letter was to make me feel better, to get the last word, whatever. But he sent me that text message calling me crazy and trying to make it sound like he didn't want to be with me the whole time. I told him to quit trying to re-write history, I was there, I remember how indecisive he was, and how he wanted me there. I told him that I might think he is a dick, but I'm not trying to change the storyline of how things happened. I told him that he wasn't a saint, that I felt alone, and that it isn't abnormal for me to miss his kids, most of the time I spent in BG was with and for them. I had more of a relationship with them than I did with him. Most of all, I told him that I was hurt because no matter what happened between us, I still valued his opinion, I valued him as a person and I only wanted the best for him. Despite everything, and him being a dick, I still wanted him to be happy.
I really don't understand how people go from enjoying eachother to hating eachother. It makes no sense to me. Especially because we didn't fight or abuse eachother. It's not like our relationship was horrible, it just didn't work out. It's just like fucking Laramie all over again.
Anways. I'm exhausted of other people at the moment. I'm tired of being messaged by dudes I don't want to talk to and ignored by the ones that I do want to talk to. I'm tired of telling people no and having them harrass me constantly trying to get me to say yes. I just want to be valued and respected by someone.
I'm not really looking to the camping trip at the moment. I feel like if I go I'll be out of place, that Jake might think it's weird that I am there, or he'll ignore me, or pretend like he doesn't know me? Kinda like Tre used to do to me for all those years? Lanny said I can hang out with him, but I kinda think that I should just not go and let the guys all hang out and leave them alone. I'm super nervous that Jake is going to think I'm crazy for showing up, and that he isn't going to want me there. It's a long way to drive to be disappointed. Because yeah, I do want to see him, and talk to him, and maybe I don't want to flaunt that we've slept together, but I want him to acknowledge me. It's 10 days away. I hope to figure it out before then.