(no subject)
These past few weeks have been weird. My life isnt amazing, I'm seeing a psychiatrist, taking numerous medications to help me get through each day. It helps some, but there is still something missing. I know what it is, and there is no way that I will get it back. Unless I die. I seem happy to most people. People say I seem to be doing okay, and sometimes I am, sometimes I am happy. But every minute of every day there is always something on my mind, making me unhappy, and depressed. I want it to change, I really do.
I dont know how much longer I can last like this. I need to get away from Virginia, from here, from my house, from where I know everything. I need to forget whats happening and whats happened. Life isnt perfect, it never was, never will be.
But what if there was a moment, where you cant think of anything else except what was happening right then and there? Something so amazing that time just stops, and you cant think of anything else. I need to find that, I need to leave and not come back. Being here depresses me more and more every day. I want to run away, I wouldnt get far, but I want to go somewhere I've never been before, see new things, new people, live a new life.
Part of me wants to move on, and part of me cant move on, not yet. I want to grow up and get married have a family, be successful, do something with my life. It's hard knowing she wont be here to see that.
She had plans for us, for herself, and now there is nothing. No plans, just trying to get through each day, moment by crappy moment.
I wonder what life would be like if nothing had happened to her, would I be a normal person, a normal teenager, going through teenage angst like everyone else? Would I still be depressed? I doubt it. I want to blame her for making me like this, for making me hate life, for making things so horrible. But I cant hate her, I never could, no matter if I told her I did or not. I never hated her, and never will, what can I say? She was my mom.
I miss her, I miss the life I had, and the one I never will have again.
She wont be here anymore, I cant talk to her or see her, unless its in a picture or when I'm dreaming, oh god, and dreaming about her, and then having to wake up and know that I could never do any of those things with her ever again. Even the smallest thing like hugging her or telling her I love her. Even just sitting there next to her reading or something, when we didnt even have to talk, it was just nice to be there with her, it was comfortable, it was safe, it was something I loved and missed.
It's hard too, to see kids talk about their parents like trash, and get into fights with them, I know I did it, and I still do, but what some people dont understand is what its like when you dont see your parents anymore, no matter how much you think you may hate them or dislike them, when theyre gone, it hurts like hell. I really wish that everyone would get along with their parents. I really do.
I'm done with this stupid entry. It's my November one, seeing as I usually do one entry a month.
I dont know how much longer I can last like this. I need to get away from Virginia, from here, from my house, from where I know everything. I need to forget whats happening and whats happened. Life isnt perfect, it never was, never will be.
But what if there was a moment, where you cant think of anything else except what was happening right then and there? Something so amazing that time just stops, and you cant think of anything else. I need to find that, I need to leave and not come back. Being here depresses me more and more every day. I want to run away, I wouldnt get far, but I want to go somewhere I've never been before, see new things, new people, live a new life.
Part of me wants to move on, and part of me cant move on, not yet. I want to grow up and get married have a family, be successful, do something with my life. It's hard knowing she wont be here to see that.
She had plans for us, for herself, and now there is nothing. No plans, just trying to get through each day, moment by crappy moment.
I wonder what life would be like if nothing had happened to her, would I be a normal person, a normal teenager, going through teenage angst like everyone else? Would I still be depressed? I doubt it. I want to blame her for making me like this, for making me hate life, for making things so horrible. But I cant hate her, I never could, no matter if I told her I did or not. I never hated her, and never will, what can I say? She was my mom.
I miss her, I miss the life I had, and the one I never will have again.
She wont be here anymore, I cant talk to her or see her, unless its in a picture or when I'm dreaming, oh god, and dreaming about her, and then having to wake up and know that I could never do any of those things with her ever again. Even the smallest thing like hugging her or telling her I love her. Even just sitting there next to her reading or something, when we didnt even have to talk, it was just nice to be there with her, it was comfortable, it was safe, it was something I loved and missed.
It's hard too, to see kids talk about their parents like trash, and get into fights with them, I know I did it, and I still do, but what some people dont understand is what its like when you dont see your parents anymore, no matter how much you think you may hate them or dislike them, when theyre gone, it hurts like hell. I really wish that everyone would get along with their parents. I really do.
I'm done with this stupid entry. It's my November one, seeing as I usually do one entry a month.