Ex Stuff. For your reading entertainment!
stuff he has posted in an online blog of his.
Recently I've been talking to some friends of Glenda - who you all have heard about by now. As I've gotten to know each of her friends I am more and more impressed with how incredibly supportive and good natured they are. You didn't expect things to be simple did you? Of course there is a paradox. The more I get to know about Glenda and her friends, and family - the more concerned, and anxious I get about our developing relationship.
A lot of people might not understand that, and so I will explain it. Even while sick, I dream of having a good woman by my side like Glenda. I deserve to be happy. I've paid my dues, I've done good deeds, and I've survived and suffered this long in my life through torture and pain that I couldn't begin to express in words. Yet, all the while I desire these things I also feel intense guilt for wanting these things.
Anyone who has followed my situation to some extent knows how difficult my life is, and how horribly I suffer. Everyday is a struggle. I struggle to eat, to bath myself, to keep my faith strong. After my relationship with Sue ended I went thru a lot of pain. The pain stemmed from the fact that I'd realized how severely Sue sacrificed to stay in my life, and how slowly my illness gradually eroded her happiness. Looking back I sometimes wonder if Sue would have been better off had she never known me. I wonder if I hadn't rocked her boat - if things wouldn't have turned out the way they had. Glenda is happy right now. She's perfect in my opinion. She has an incredible support system, she has a loving family, friends, and she's happy, smart, positive, ......loving What kind of idiot would be so selfish as to interrupt that? Who am I to be so moronic to even have introduced myself to her - knowing full well what a charming retard I am. I knew someone would fall in love with me, but I never thought I'd come to a place where I actually felt guilty for wanting to be happy, or that such an amazing person would hold my attention. I know the obstacles and difficulties that come with living with Chronic Lyme Disease. I know that she'll suffer if I allow her into my life. I know she'll feel helpless, and powerless at times when I cry in her arms. I know she'll deal with flare-ups, and often feel like she has to carry the weight of the world on her back.
I know that....she's not Sue, and I'm imagining the worst in all of this with my creative "what if's". But the truth is that I'm scared shitless to re-live the mistakes of that relationship, and I'm scared to take a risk. I'm afraid not only of being a disappointment to Glenda, but in making the wrong choices, saying the wrong things, and just....being the wrong things, such as disabled, and sick. I'm afraid she'll love me, but not be able to cope with this curse of an illness, and then abandon me.
Dumbass is just now realizing this shit? Idiot. He missed out big time. To think there was a time when I was actually seeing a future with him...
Fuck that.
Recently I've been talking to some friends of Glenda - who you all have heard about by now. As I've gotten to know each of her friends I am more and more impressed with how incredibly supportive and good natured they are. You didn't expect things to be simple did you? Of course there is a paradox. The more I get to know about Glenda and her friends, and family - the more concerned, and anxious I get about our developing relationship.
A lot of people might not understand that, and so I will explain it. Even while sick, I dream of having a good woman by my side like Glenda. I deserve to be happy. I've paid my dues, I've done good deeds, and I've survived and suffered this long in my life through torture and pain that I couldn't begin to express in words. Yet, all the while I desire these things I also feel intense guilt for wanting these things.
Anyone who has followed my situation to some extent knows how difficult my life is, and how horribly I suffer. Everyday is a struggle. I struggle to eat, to bath myself, to keep my faith strong. After my relationship with Sue ended I went thru a lot of pain. The pain stemmed from the fact that I'd realized how severely Sue sacrificed to stay in my life, and how slowly my illness gradually eroded her happiness. Looking back I sometimes wonder if Sue would have been better off had she never known me. I wonder if I hadn't rocked her boat - if things wouldn't have turned out the way they had. Glenda is happy right now. She's perfect in my opinion. She has an incredible support system, she has a loving family, friends, and she's happy, smart, positive, ......loving What kind of idiot would be so selfish as to interrupt that? Who am I to be so moronic to even have introduced myself to her - knowing full well what a charming retard I am. I knew someone would fall in love with me, but I never thought I'd come to a place where I actually felt guilty for wanting to be happy, or that such an amazing person would hold my attention. I know the obstacles and difficulties that come with living with Chronic Lyme Disease. I know that she'll suffer if I allow her into my life. I know she'll feel helpless, and powerless at times when I cry in her arms. I know she'll deal with flare-ups, and often feel like she has to carry the weight of the world on her back.
I know that....she's not Sue, and I'm imagining the worst in all of this with my creative "what if's". But the truth is that I'm scared shitless to re-live the mistakes of that relationship, and I'm scared to take a risk. I'm afraid not only of being a disappointment to Glenda, but in making the wrong choices, saying the wrong things, and just....being the wrong things, such as disabled, and sick. I'm afraid she'll love me, but not be able to cope with this curse of an illness, and then abandon me.
Dumbass is just now realizing this shit? Idiot. He missed out big time. To think there was a time when I was actually seeing a future with him...
Fuck that.