raaanntttt
I haven't updated this journal in so long, and everytime i update i always say that.
It's insane how it's already december, i remember laura's new years eve party last year and thinking how slow 2006 was going to go and it's almost over. I totally fucked up this semester, i dont have to go to my classes so of course me i dont go and i fall way behind, and like always im trying to catch up with the few weeks i have left. Like i have been doing for the past "13" years of school. Im going to take school more seriously next semester even tho i always say that i mean it this time.
Im so stressed right now i just want to punch someone in the face that woulod help me out a lot..so if anyone wants to volunteer please let me know.!
Everything has changed so much since high school it's crazy. Everyone has changed, everything has changed. Everyone is off doing there own thing and making a new life for themselves. My whole "group" in high school completely shattered right after we graduated. It's sad to think I was such GOOD friends with people in high school and now i don't even talk to them, I dont even make a effort to talk to them and vice versa. I've lost a few friends and i've also gained a lot of friends that are amazing. I guess that's how life is. I miss my life when i was in high school, I missed the "problems" that i had that i thought were soooooo big, i missed how everything was carefree and the only thing i had to worry about what..i need to pass this class..or how am i going to be able to stay out late this weekend. Now it's am i going to be able to pay all my bills, what am i going to do for the rest of my life..Saving money to move out, balancing your soical life and school. Not over working your self with work and school..which i already have done.
I miss being able to talk to your parents about everything.. who "broke" my hear this week. What he/she said about me, being able to talk to them with out giving them attitude. I miss spending time with my parents actually seeing them once in awhile. Now I hardly ever see them im at work or at school and when i do talk to them we fight about why im never home. I cant talk to them about what i NEED to talk about because they wont understand why im doing the something i need to talk to them about. I always tell myself they are going to be around forever and they'll die after me but i know that't not the case. When i get in fights with them i always say "fdjsfhjs i wish mom/dad would die and leave me alone" but i know if that actually happen i would die and i wouldnt know what to do with myself. I feel bad not being home and spending time with them. I hate being selfish and always doing what i WANT to do. You always think there is going to be a tomorrow but what happens if there isn't a tomorow. You would think i would of learned not to take things for granted. I said they same thing to jenna the night she died "jenna ill talk to you tomorrow just let me do my hwk"..I wasnt able to talk to her the next day like i planned.
Hmmmm...im going to be alone forever. I hang out with pat i start to like him he likes me i think this is going somewhere and of courseit doesnt. I hang out with brian two weekends ago than i hang out with pat the next day i look at pat and think to myself "who am i kidding i dont like you..im over it" I realize all the things he does that bugs me and how he isnt good enough for me. That sounds conceited but i dont care, I want a guy who knows what he wants out of life and is actually making something of himself and pat isnt doing that. Thats why i told myself and brian i cant talk to him anymore if i have a boyfriend or like someone or in the inbetween, because it's going to fuck with my head or make me admit to myself the feelings i have been hiding for almost a year. I act like such a hardass when it comes to you, i act like i dont like you and hanging out with you is just whatever to me and that i could be doing better things. When in reality i haven't seen you for four months and seeing you a couple weeks ago made me so happy and i had the BIGGEST grin on my face it was so hard to hide it from youu. Spending those few hours is just what i needed. It makes me sick to my stomach to think nothing has changed overrrrrr a year 1/2. NOTHING at all. I just really want to f o r g e t everything. It makes me sad to think how my feelings havent changed and if they did chang they have only grown deeper. It also makes it worse when i KNOW that you feel the exact same way and you arent doing anything about it. I tell you im not going to wait around and im not.. im going to live my life..I can live without you i just dont want to. You can live without anyone I've been living without you but it;s been hard. You helped me with everything you made me have a good head on my shoulders (somewhat) . I know were over but were not through .
I dont want to write anymore i just went on a rage
It's insane how it's already december, i remember laura's new years eve party last year and thinking how slow 2006 was going to go and it's almost over. I totally fucked up this semester, i dont have to go to my classes so of course me i dont go and i fall way behind, and like always im trying to catch up with the few weeks i have left. Like i have been doing for the past "13" years of school. Im going to take school more seriously next semester even tho i always say that i mean it this time.
Im so stressed right now i just want to punch someone in the face that woulod help me out a lot..so if anyone wants to volunteer please let me know.!
Everything has changed so much since high school it's crazy. Everyone has changed, everything has changed. Everyone is off doing there own thing and making a new life for themselves. My whole "group" in high school completely shattered right after we graduated. It's sad to think I was such GOOD friends with people in high school and now i don't even talk to them, I dont even make a effort to talk to them and vice versa. I've lost a few friends and i've also gained a lot of friends that are amazing. I guess that's how life is. I miss my life when i was in high school, I missed the "problems" that i had that i thought were soooooo big, i missed how everything was carefree and the only thing i had to worry about what..i need to pass this class..or how am i going to be able to stay out late this weekend. Now it's am i going to be able to pay all my bills, what am i going to do for the rest of my life..Saving money to move out, balancing your soical life and school. Not over working your self with work and school..which i already have done.
I miss being able to talk to your parents about everything.. who "broke" my hear this week. What he/she said about me, being able to talk to them with out giving them attitude. I miss spending time with my parents actually seeing them once in awhile. Now I hardly ever see them im at work or at school and when i do talk to them we fight about why im never home. I cant talk to them about what i NEED to talk about because they wont understand why im doing the something i need to talk to them about. I always tell myself they are going to be around forever and they'll die after me but i know that't not the case. When i get in fights with them i always say "fdjsfhjs i wish mom/dad would die and leave me alone" but i know if that actually happen i would die and i wouldnt know what to do with myself. I feel bad not being home and spending time with them. I hate being selfish and always doing what i WANT to do. You always think there is going to be a tomorrow but what happens if there isn't a tomorow. You would think i would of learned not to take things for granted. I said they same thing to jenna the night she died "jenna ill talk to you tomorrow just let me do my hwk"..I wasnt able to talk to her the next day like i planned.
Hmmmm...im going to be alone forever. I hang out with pat i start to like him he likes me i think this is going somewhere and of courseit doesnt. I hang out with brian two weekends ago than i hang out with pat the next day i look at pat and think to myself "who am i kidding i dont like you..im over it" I realize all the things he does that bugs me and how he isnt good enough for me. That sounds conceited but i dont care, I want a guy who knows what he wants out of life and is actually making something of himself and pat isnt doing that. Thats why i told myself and brian i cant talk to him anymore if i have a boyfriend or like someone or in the inbetween, because it's going to fuck with my head or make me admit to myself the feelings i have been hiding for almost a year. I act like such a hardass when it comes to you, i act like i dont like you and hanging out with you is just whatever to me and that i could be doing better things. When in reality i haven't seen you for four months and seeing you a couple weeks ago made me so happy and i had the BIGGEST grin on my face it was so hard to hide it from youu. Spending those few hours is just what i needed. It makes me sick to my stomach to think nothing has changed overrrrrr a year 1/2. NOTHING at all. I just really want to f o r g e t everything. It makes me sad to think how my feelings havent changed and if they did chang they have only grown deeper. It also makes it worse when i KNOW that you feel the exact same way and you arent doing anything about it. I tell you im not going to wait around and im not.. im going to live my life..I can live without you i just dont want to. You can live without anyone I've been living without you but it;s been hard. You helped me with everything you made me have a good head on my shoulders (somewhat) . I know were over but were not through .
I dont want to write anymore i just went on a rage