(no subject)
I am an ass. There aren't a lot of ways around admitting that, and the fact that what I did the other night was probably the ultimate in arsey behavior I have ever reached. Convincted murderer is one thing. Full on tantrums because I feel threatened by my writer's choice of reading? Yeah, I'm more than a bit embarrassed there, especially the way that everyone keeps tiptoeing around me since the incident. Well, Giz hasn't tiptoed but he's doing the thing where you can tell you're not exactly in his best graces either.
He was quick enough to pull me back, and find out what was wrong, and he was sympathetic about the whole thing, but I think it's the cursing out a woman, breaking a grey warden's jaw and the general tantrum thing that's made him cautious. I don't particularly look forward to discussing how the ramifications of events in text are going to work either, even if they're only a bit awkward there. I've had so many warnings storywise already that any sane gang leader would long ago have kicked me out, handed me in for money or otherwise found some way to get me out of their hair. And the looks I'm going to get from John. Not that I suspect he cares overmuch anymore, now they've pawned me off on Giz but he still can make you feel as if you've burnt the camp into the ground and then pissed on his supply bags, so the next few chapters we come up with are probably going to be awesome.
Not that I'm opposed to translating the fall out of events here to camp. It's a matter of deciding whose jaw I want to break (...as if that isn't obvious by now, I know), and well, how we're going to deal with the fact I literally trust a single person in the gang now. Can't be good in terms of future plotting, future writing, or the outcome of the story, yeah I know. If I were a better person, I'd forgive them all apologize and try to move on with life, but I'm seventeen, betrayed, and hold a grudge like no one else.
Apparently the thing with Sar has gotten better since I did fly off at her. She makes an effort to include me, has tried doing research to help me find a better weapon since I seemingly can't handle the sword these days, and she's been trying, you know? I also think the thing with Giz is...fuck it, I didn't mean to cling to him and weep like I'm a little child Monday night, but I liked the part where he was holding me and trying to calm me down, and where he had his hands caught in my hair. I'm not saying I want to do things with him I don't think. I've seen him naked and I'm not especially impressed, but the idea that someone cares about me, loves me, even, is a pretty heavy idea to address. I'm not sure what I want to do with that just now, how to fix what I've done, and how to not feel so guilty. Life is fairly messy these days, yeah?
He was quick enough to pull me back, and find out what was wrong, and he was sympathetic about the whole thing, but I think it's the cursing out a woman, breaking a grey warden's jaw and the general tantrum thing that's made him cautious. I don't particularly look forward to discussing how the ramifications of events in text are going to work either, even if they're only a bit awkward there. I've had so many warnings storywise already that any sane gang leader would long ago have kicked me out, handed me in for money or otherwise found some way to get me out of their hair. And the looks I'm going to get from John. Not that I suspect he cares overmuch anymore, now they've pawned me off on Giz but he still can make you feel as if you've burnt the camp into the ground and then pissed on his supply bags, so the next few chapters we come up with are probably going to be awesome.
Not that I'm opposed to translating the fall out of events here to camp. It's a matter of deciding whose jaw I want to break (...as if that isn't obvious by now, I know), and well, how we're going to deal with the fact I literally trust a single person in the gang now. Can't be good in terms of future plotting, future writing, or the outcome of the story, yeah I know. If I were a better person, I'd forgive them all apologize and try to move on with life, but I'm seventeen, betrayed, and hold a grudge like no one else.
Apparently the thing with Sar has gotten better since I did fly off at her. She makes an effort to include me, has tried doing research to help me find a better weapon since I seemingly can't handle the sword these days, and she's been trying, you know? I also think the thing with Giz is...fuck it, I didn't mean to cling to him and weep like I'm a little child Monday night, but I liked the part where he was holding me and trying to calm me down, and where he had his hands caught in my hair. I'm not saying I want to do things with him I don't think. I've seen him naked and I'm not especially impressed, but the idea that someone cares about me, loves me, even, is a pretty heavy idea to address. I'm not sure what I want to do with that just now, how to fix what I've done, and how to not feel so guilty. Life is fairly messy these days, yeah?