and it feels like...home.
march was...intense.
looking back (even though i knew it going in), i went the furthest north and west i've ever gone in this country...within the span of two weeks.
of my two trips, the first (seattle) was on the meh side. the second (new york city), on the other hand...phenomenal.
of the 31 days in march, though, i spent a solid nine either in a city other than atlanta, or in the air. roughly 30% of the month. this, after not having left the metro atlanta area since early september (and even in those six months, hewing rather closely to atlanta proper).
i will say this: both trips ultimately were good for me, even with the chaotic...chaos that has come since officially arriving back.
new york (as previously stated) was phenomenal. it's just the fun experience i've needed after the past few years. i came back to atlanta re-energized and ready to take on the world, and the high has only tapered off marginally.
seattle gave me time to clear my mind and make me think about what's important in my life, though. i wasn't necessarily happy after seattle (halfway through, i wanted to come home desperately), but it did set a lot up in terms of my outlook going forward in life. some of these ideas were further solidified after atlanta.
i think, for the first time really, i've come to understand that i'm now actually someone who needs people in my life. not that i was a hermit before, but post-coming out, post-independence, post-whateverthefuckyouwannacallit, i'm not as at ease with being by myself all. the. time.
i've felt more at-home with my family since coming back, which is saying something considering the family has actually become relatively stable again in the past year. the parents moved to a house in decatur with the sister (while i was on my way to chicago en route to seattle), which may not be a big deal for some people, but for me...even though i'm not living there, there's now, once again, a place for me in the house. for the first time since i was 13, my family can all (in theory, at least) be under the same roof at night.
admittedly, i like my independence, and i like living in midtown, so we won't be living together anytime soon. but it's a place i can call home.
i've also realized how important my friends are to me - my true friends, the ones i called while i was in seattle, the ones i sent texts to daily from nyc. and i've realized that, in the pursuit of one relationship i wanted to be great, i relegated other relationships to the side. and as i learned in nyc, it was all for nothing.
(warning: the drama of the post follows below)
i got into a fight...the umpteen-millionth fight...and i finally let it all out. that i was tired of being the only one to blame. that i was tired of getting abused by him as much as i was abusing him (and in some cases, worse from him). that i was tired of him not getting that things have changed dramatically in our relationship since it began, and tired of him being too dense to actually get it.
and he decided to write me off.
and then he blew up at me in front of...several people, which ended up fixing one relationship that was damaged most of this school year because of the dramatic one and put more people on my side.
i learned that he'd been going behind my back for months, not only complaining about me to whoever would listen but telling out-and-out lies.
he wanted to make up. i let him in...cautiously. but one thing stuck out that he said.
"friendship is a luxury."
and the thing is, he repeated it a few days later to a few other people we were with.
and i realized something.
i don't always get along with my friends. it's not that we out-and-out fight, but we disagree. we understand that we usually operate differently, and while we might not like it, we accept it.
this is the one relationship i've ever had where this is not the case, where there is constant fighting.
and i realized something that i was able to piece together from watching him the past several months...
he does this in nearly every fucking relationship he's in, in one way or another. they move on. they stop seeing him so much...and, as i've heard from more than one person in the last week alone, it's because they grow tired of him.
so...i'm done. friendship, for me, is not a luxury. it's a necessity. and i can not, and i will not, subject myself anymore to this toxic relationship, where this...pathetic, childish brat expects me to change and refuses to accept me for what i am.
i'm not perfect. far (FAR) from it. but...seriously. i can acknowledge my problems, and i can do my best to change. but i'm not going to change on anyone else's timetable. if i seriously expect to change my less-than-admirable qualities, i have to first be able to acknowledge them on my own, then i have to be able to tackle them in a manner where change is permanent (or at least more sturdy than the quick-fix job i'd been pushed towards).
i'm angry when it comes to this, because i feel like i invested so much into something that turned up empty. and a part of me worries, because when he says that he wonders if he's going to be alone for the rest of his life, i can easily see it happening with him.
but for my own health (mentally and emotionally)...i can't play anymore.
(end of the dramatic bullshit)
luckily, the ensuing drama did something. without him in my life, i've been largely happier since getting back from new york. my only times where i've been truly frustrated have involved him, so...problem solved (almost). i've reconnected with cameron, after a rift formed last semester, and we've been great. i re-established contact with andrea in the most peculiar of manners - randomly on marta. things are going great with my dear wife, heather (<3). even zach and i are back in touch after the weird month of march.
and on a different note, i've decided that this will be my last year as president of the alliance. i'm editor in chief of the signal and urbanite for another year, so i have job security (yay!) and i get to do something that, even when it frustrates me, i love. i'm even doing decently well in my classes, considering how much of march i missed. so...goodbye, march.
and hello, april.
---
p.s.: um, i've become addicted to american idol this season, and i blame it on the gay hotness of adam lambert (left) and the straight hotness of kris allen (right). apparently they're even roommates in the idol house. what i wouldn't do to be in that room...
looking back (even though i knew it going in), i went the furthest north and west i've ever gone in this country...within the span of two weeks.
of my two trips, the first (seattle) was on the meh side. the second (new york city), on the other hand...phenomenal.
of the 31 days in march, though, i spent a solid nine either in a city other than atlanta, or in the air. roughly 30% of the month. this, after not having left the metro atlanta area since early september (and even in those six months, hewing rather closely to atlanta proper).
i will say this: both trips ultimately were good for me, even with the chaotic...chaos that has come since officially arriving back.
new york (as previously stated) was phenomenal. it's just the fun experience i've needed after the past few years. i came back to atlanta re-energized and ready to take on the world, and the high has only tapered off marginally.
seattle gave me time to clear my mind and make me think about what's important in my life, though. i wasn't necessarily happy after seattle (halfway through, i wanted to come home desperately), but it did set a lot up in terms of my outlook going forward in life. some of these ideas were further solidified after atlanta.
i think, for the first time really, i've come to understand that i'm now actually someone who needs people in my life. not that i was a hermit before, but post-coming out, post-independence, post-whateverthefuckyouwannacallit, i'm not as at ease with being by myself all. the. time.
i've felt more at-home with my family since coming back, which is saying something considering the family has actually become relatively stable again in the past year. the parents moved to a house in decatur with the sister (while i was on my way to chicago en route to seattle), which may not be a big deal for some people, but for me...even though i'm not living there, there's now, once again, a place for me in the house. for the first time since i was 13, my family can all (in theory, at least) be under the same roof at night.
admittedly, i like my independence, and i like living in midtown, so we won't be living together anytime soon. but it's a place i can call home.
i've also realized how important my friends are to me - my true friends, the ones i called while i was in seattle, the ones i sent texts to daily from nyc. and i've realized that, in the pursuit of one relationship i wanted to be great, i relegated other relationships to the side. and as i learned in nyc, it was all for nothing.
(warning: the drama of the post follows below)
i got into a fight...the umpteen-millionth fight...and i finally let it all out. that i was tired of being the only one to blame. that i was tired of getting abused by him as much as i was abusing him (and in some cases, worse from him). that i was tired of him not getting that things have changed dramatically in our relationship since it began, and tired of him being too dense to actually get it.
and he decided to write me off.
and then he blew up at me in front of...several people, which ended up fixing one relationship that was damaged most of this school year because of the dramatic one and put more people on my side.
i learned that he'd been going behind my back for months, not only complaining about me to whoever would listen but telling out-and-out lies.
he wanted to make up. i let him in...cautiously. but one thing stuck out that he said.
"friendship is a luxury."
and the thing is, he repeated it a few days later to a few other people we were with.
and i realized something.
i don't always get along with my friends. it's not that we out-and-out fight, but we disagree. we understand that we usually operate differently, and while we might not like it, we accept it.
this is the one relationship i've ever had where this is not the case, where there is constant fighting.
and i realized something that i was able to piece together from watching him the past several months...
he does this in nearly every fucking relationship he's in, in one way or another. they move on. they stop seeing him so much...and, as i've heard from more than one person in the last week alone, it's because they grow tired of him.
so...i'm done. friendship, for me, is not a luxury. it's a necessity. and i can not, and i will not, subject myself anymore to this toxic relationship, where this...pathetic, childish brat expects me to change and refuses to accept me for what i am.
i'm not perfect. far (FAR) from it. but...seriously. i can acknowledge my problems, and i can do my best to change. but i'm not going to change on anyone else's timetable. if i seriously expect to change my less-than-admirable qualities, i have to first be able to acknowledge them on my own, then i have to be able to tackle them in a manner where change is permanent (or at least more sturdy than the quick-fix job i'd been pushed towards).
i'm angry when it comes to this, because i feel like i invested so much into something that turned up empty. and a part of me worries, because when he says that he wonders if he's going to be alone for the rest of his life, i can easily see it happening with him.
but for my own health (mentally and emotionally)...i can't play anymore.
(end of the dramatic bullshit)
luckily, the ensuing drama did something. without him in my life, i've been largely happier since getting back from new york. my only times where i've been truly frustrated have involved him, so...problem solved (almost). i've reconnected with cameron, after a rift formed last semester, and we've been great. i re-established contact with andrea in the most peculiar of manners - randomly on marta. things are going great with my dear wife, heather (<3). even zach and i are back in touch after the weird month of march.
and on a different note, i've decided that this will be my last year as president of the alliance. i'm editor in chief of the signal and urbanite for another year, so i have job security (yay!) and i get to do something that, even when it frustrates me, i love. i'm even doing decently well in my classes, considering how much of march i missed. so...goodbye, march.
and hello, april.
---
p.s.: um, i've become addicted to american idol this season, and i blame it on the gay hotness of adam lambert (left) and the straight hotness of kris allen (right). apparently they're even roommates in the idol house. what i wouldn't do to be in that room...