Work
Come October, I will have been at this job for a year. I'm trying to stay positive, there are aspects that I find redeeming, but I seem to be easily bowled over by the negative aspects. Prior to opening this office, I was simply a Funeral Arranger with none of the managerial responisbilities. I was good at that. My focus was meeting with the families and taking care of their needs, period, end of story. Taking on the position of manager of my own office has not been as clear-cut.
I've always been in the social services field and up until last August had considered the funeral industry to fall in that realm. Unfortunatly it's not quite that cut and dry. This field is clearly different from the non-profit background/idealogy that I came from. I don't like being responsible for generating new business, it makes me feel like I have to whore myself out. I don't want to solicit my services, I suck at it. It's what my bosses want me to do, and I know that if I put the correct "spin" on my psyche, I could do it, but I'm a stubborn brat..... I simply....... don't......... like....... it. I don't like knowing that I have bosses above me who everday look at my "numbers" and question why I don't have more business. I don't like explaining why I didn't "sell" more. Why am I not selling more merchandise, or extraneous services. I don't like to push people into buying things they don't want. I can apply the jargon that's been given me and try to convince myself that I am "providing options and much needed services to families", but deep down it still feels wrong.
I'm also having difficulty working alone. When things are quiet, it's down-right silent around here. When something goes wrong, I know who made the error (certainly cuts down on accusations), but I also know who has to fix it. I don't have a boss lingering over me daily, which might sound like joy to some people, it's not good for me - I am the quintessential "give me an inch and I'll take a foot" - when not being supervised.
I know all the positives which I should focus on - I am my own boss. I can be late when I feel like it and scoot out early on Fridays without much ado. When I do a good job, I can reward myself and feel wonderful knowing that it was ALL me. I can put on any radio station I want, even if it's talk radio, all day long. I can surf the net when things get a little slow and not worry about someone looking over my shoulder. The job has various aspects that keep me both in and out of the office all day so I am not tied to a desk for 8 - 10 hours a day - can't argue with the variety. But, somehow it's just not all adding up the way I thought it would, after almost a year.
While, I'm very content in the realization that I am still "helping" people, somehow it doesn't feel the same as it used to. Once I've completed a service for a family, that's pretty much it. It's a one-time deal, I'm not teaching a skill or helping anyone "cope", I'm just providing a simple service, for a short period of time. I do appreciate the compliments and am aware that I can make life easier for people in a time of need, but I NEED more....... something with lasting effects. I want to know that I am making a difference in someone's life, not just making one day or one week of their lives go a little smoother.
End Rant....... It always seems a little useless to whine about something when you have no plans to make a change. I'm a believer in cognition, therefore if I think badly about this job, I know it will inevitably become a bad job. However, I just needed to get a little venting outta my system. It used to be that whenever I was feeling anxiety or as if I were in a state of ennui, I could go out and dye my hair or get a haircut and feel better, somehow it's not that simple anymore.
On the personal side of things, life is going pretty good. As usual, the summer has gone by all too quickly. I've managed to sneak in a few concerts among them Dave Matthews and Stevie Nicks (is that all?), a few beer festivals, many, many barbeques, a mini-vacation to southern California to visit Mike's sister, a few weekend road-trips, a wedding (just one?) and even some time for rest and relaxation. I can't complain..... or I could, but I won't.
I have plenty more to write about, I just don't have the wherewithall to get those thoughts together and into written form at the moment. I have a tendency to wander when I write, so I thought I would try go do subject-specific entries for the time being. 2 more weeks of summer! I'm going to go outside now to locate my shadow (and have a smoke), I'm hoping for nine more weeks of summer, instead.
I've always been in the social services field and up until last August had considered the funeral industry to fall in that realm. Unfortunatly it's not quite that cut and dry. This field is clearly different from the non-profit background/idealogy that I came from. I don't like being responsible for generating new business, it makes me feel like I have to whore myself out. I don't want to solicit my services, I suck at it. It's what my bosses want me to do, and I know that if I put the correct "spin" on my psyche, I could do it, but I'm a stubborn brat..... I simply....... don't......... like....... it. I don't like knowing that I have bosses above me who everday look at my "numbers" and question why I don't have more business. I don't like explaining why I didn't "sell" more. Why am I not selling more merchandise, or extraneous services. I don't like to push people into buying things they don't want. I can apply the jargon that's been given me and try to convince myself that I am "providing options and much needed services to families", but deep down it still feels wrong.
I'm also having difficulty working alone. When things are quiet, it's down-right silent around here. When something goes wrong, I know who made the error (certainly cuts down on accusations), but I also know who has to fix it. I don't have a boss lingering over me daily, which might sound like joy to some people, it's not good for me - I am the quintessential "give me an inch and I'll take a foot" - when not being supervised.
I know all the positives which I should focus on - I am my own boss. I can be late when I feel like it and scoot out early on Fridays without much ado. When I do a good job, I can reward myself and feel wonderful knowing that it was ALL me. I can put on any radio station I want, even if it's talk radio, all day long. I can surf the net when things get a little slow and not worry about someone looking over my shoulder. The job has various aspects that keep me both in and out of the office all day so I am not tied to a desk for 8 - 10 hours a day - can't argue with the variety. But, somehow it's just not all adding up the way I thought it would, after almost a year.
While, I'm very content in the realization that I am still "helping" people, somehow it doesn't feel the same as it used to. Once I've completed a service for a family, that's pretty much it. It's a one-time deal, I'm not teaching a skill or helping anyone "cope", I'm just providing a simple service, for a short period of time. I do appreciate the compliments and am aware that I can make life easier for people in a time of need, but I NEED more....... something with lasting effects. I want to know that I am making a difference in someone's life, not just making one day or one week of their lives go a little smoother.
End Rant....... It always seems a little useless to whine about something when you have no plans to make a change. I'm a believer in cognition, therefore if I think badly about this job, I know it will inevitably become a bad job. However, I just needed to get a little venting outta my system. It used to be that whenever I was feeling anxiety or as if I were in a state of ennui, I could go out and dye my hair or get a haircut and feel better, somehow it's not that simple anymore.
On the personal side of things, life is going pretty good. As usual, the summer has gone by all too quickly. I've managed to sneak in a few concerts among them Dave Matthews and Stevie Nicks (is that all?), a few beer festivals, many, many barbeques, a mini-vacation to southern California to visit Mike's sister, a few weekend road-trips, a wedding (just one?) and even some time for rest and relaxation. I can't complain..... or I could, but I won't.
I have plenty more to write about, I just don't have the wherewithall to get those thoughts together and into written form at the moment. I have a tendency to wander when I write, so I thought I would try go do subject-specific entries for the time being. 2 more weeks of summer! I'm going to go outside now to locate my shadow (and have a smoke), I'm hoping for nine more weeks of summer, instead.