it is what it is
So I had sex with Zack Price. more than once and it is great. but thats all it is. and I just left his room because to some extent i just feel like im an object and to some extent thats okay because thats all i want to be. I want to feel nothing and be numb to everything. i want to not deal with my feelings ever. it has nothing to do with zack. nothing. i just dont know. im an emotional wreck ninety percent of the time who cant have a decent thing to save my life. and for some reasons i blame my dad. and i blame the fact that i let guys treat me like shit because for some reason it is better to be treated like shit then to not be treated at all. and i just wanted him to come after me and make sure i was alright. or text me first. but thats not what this is and he doesnt even know me. he thinks he has me figured out but he has no idea. and i thought i had him figured out and i was in control but i never was and never will be. and he will do whatever it is he does and im just an after thought. and as much as it sucks it feels good to feel soemthing. to put myself in the position where im not numb even though thats what i want i know its better that i feel something then nothing. and i fucked everything up with john but then again that was always a joke too. and before that there was alex who i fucked shit up with.and then there was jesse who never gave a shit about me and jake who cared but not about me but about whatever the fuck image we had. and ive never had anyone who just wanted to be with me and get to know me and appreciate me. and well when ur fatehr doesnt even want a relationship with you how do you expect a boy to want a relationship with you. ya i said it.