(no subject)
…and all is dead at 2am.
Hrmmn…
I wonder…what it would be like if my life was different…If I actually lived somewhere with actual people, or if I had my liscence…
If I was…more confident in myself, or if I was attending the art institute.
Hrmn…people…can be messy. Ugh…we can be so strong one moment, then so fragile in the next. We can be so angry, yet so loving…
We’re fucked up, and I get that…
-even if I don’t want to accept that.
Cry, Jen and Jay told me that people, friends and lovers alike, could be this way. Being completely there for you at one moment, then totally gone the next, without anything of them to be found but their sharp, burning memory. Its only held together if its mutual. Its only held together if someone ‘feels like it,’ or if threyre getting something out of it. Support, company…or care…
…love…
I wish I could hold onto them, I wish they could’ve stayed…so goddamn beautiful, there are no words, no words but an intense feeling, of joy, or admiration, or adoration…I learn from them, I love them to death. They make me want to be a better person. I get stronger, yet weaker through them all in the same feeling. A feeling…
Or a face. A rapture that burns my rot from the inside out. I love them to death.
You know who you are…
And you will not die in me. You have changed me. You have made me. I love you, all of you, even if you still hurt me. Nothing can change that.
And so Cry, Jen and Jay then said that ‘for every friend that falls from your watch, another shall emerge to take its place,’ or something like that.
I don’t want to…but I know that it’s the only way it will work. Theres no use to dwell on the pains of the past, if nothing can be changed…
But I…
…”call back and back through the wastes of time…here, there, nowhere”
…With these memories I hold, because they bring a warming to my heart of you.
They remind me of you, and I need it.
I have to stop this. The only way to move on is to leave the past behind.
I will…leave you…
All my thoughts in you, I guess its time to rise and finish. You don’t deserve this much of me anymore. I care for you, but things have to be different now.
If you cant see, how much I’d die, to live 1,000 lives of my torture just to live one life around your grandeur…
I’d die horribly for it, again and again…through the wastes of time…
…but it doesn’t work that way.
…
They will rest in me…if only everyone knew…
…
-There will be a day, when I will find in myself…where I want to be, what I’d destroy myself just to have. Happiness…
Yeah, that is a word people made, but I haven’t heard of it in forever, let alone have I felt it.
…I long to feel, because I know I’m loosing myself to this shit…
.
---
So Sarai, my crush at work quit her job. She put in her 2 weeks notice because her family needs attention in California. She said that she’d be back in June-ish, but I know she most likely wont work back at our Fry’s grocery store. She sucks, I hate her. She’s so goddamn likeable, and utterly gorgeous…behind ovular glasses-lol.
Ryan’s one lucky bastard. I don’t know what she sees in him, but whatever. If it makes her happy…
Man, I’m an ass.
Shut up, it’s my journal-lol. I know I’m being selfish right now-lol
I’m being promoted…a cashier, to pretty much take Sarai’s place at work, heh…I just don’t have any clue when. Yay for me. This week’s paycheck was also $200. I was proud of myself. I woke up at 5am on my day off one day for that nice check-lol. It’s the most I’ve ever made in a weeks worth of working thus far. Alas, I had no one to share my joy with. That happens when the connections between friends begins to run dry. No Nessa, and Amanda has her friends and school. Its just pretty much me…with Aida in NAU…Yes, there is Aubs. Good ol’ Aubs. J.
Well shit.
I need my license.
And yes, Cisco and me hung out again today. This time I got to see his room :P. It’s ALL black, and really hard to see. I saw ‘Doghouse Music store’ for the first time today. I bought some pics there, an amp chord, and some new strings for my baby (guitar,) Amy (gee, lemme guess why my guitars name is Amy-lol). So yeah, we went to Cisco’s and he changed them for me. Good ol’ ‘Ernie Ball’ brand ones.
I can see that this friendship is growing rather well J. So is my music capabilities. I can play ‘Moon Baby’ from Godsmack on my guitar now, thanks to Cisco. Jesse would literally shit a brick (my brother) if he knew. It sounds better on a distortion pedal, though. By the way, did I tell you that he got married this last weekend?
Yup, my brother is now married-lol. Not the ceremony, just the nuptials. The actual ceremony wont be until…like…August.
Crazy.
I plan to go to Ozzfest with Cisco in the summer, and Dresden Dolls with Aubs on May…26th-ish-??
Yesssssssssssssssssssss.
Note to self---spend 3 more hours into the early morning brooding over depressing shit, all the while drawing pictures. Then fall asleep. The awake and jump right onto the computer. Color pictures. Call Aubs. Go to work (not to work), and bug Cisco about the distortion pedal problem. Get his goddamn phone number (because I keep on loosing the damn thing).Get food. Come home. Draw some more, be depressed some more. Make calls to all my friends (what which are left). Stay up until 3am again in my room/prision, wishing I was dead or in love (or both-lol). Sleep. Then go to work.
Try and have fun without Brenda and Sarai not being there anymore. Work until midnight, wishing all the while I could speak to Nessa.
Oh lord, I’m terrorable.
…
..
.
.
Hrmmn…
I wonder…what it would be like if my life was different…If I actually lived somewhere with actual people, or if I had my liscence…
If I was…more confident in myself, or if I was attending the art institute.
Hrmn…people…can be messy. Ugh…we can be so strong one moment, then so fragile in the next. We can be so angry, yet so loving…
We’re fucked up, and I get that…
-even if I don’t want to accept that.
Cry, Jen and Jay told me that people, friends and lovers alike, could be this way. Being completely there for you at one moment, then totally gone the next, without anything of them to be found but their sharp, burning memory. Its only held together if its mutual. Its only held together if someone ‘feels like it,’ or if threyre getting something out of it. Support, company…or care…
…love…
I wish I could hold onto them, I wish they could’ve stayed…so goddamn beautiful, there are no words, no words but an intense feeling, of joy, or admiration, or adoration…I learn from them, I love them to death. They make me want to be a better person. I get stronger, yet weaker through them all in the same feeling. A feeling…
Or a face. A rapture that burns my rot from the inside out. I love them to death.
You know who you are…
And you will not die in me. You have changed me. You have made me. I love you, all of you, even if you still hurt me. Nothing can change that.
And so Cry, Jen and Jay then said that ‘for every friend that falls from your watch, another shall emerge to take its place,’ or something like that.
I don’t want to…but I know that it’s the only way it will work. Theres no use to dwell on the pains of the past, if nothing can be changed…
But I…
…”call back and back through the wastes of time…here, there, nowhere”
…With these memories I hold, because they bring a warming to my heart of you.
They remind me of you, and I need it.
I have to stop this. The only way to move on is to leave the past behind.
I will…leave you…
All my thoughts in you, I guess its time to rise and finish. You don’t deserve this much of me anymore. I care for you, but things have to be different now.
If you cant see, how much I’d die, to live 1,000 lives of my torture just to live one life around your grandeur…
I’d die horribly for it, again and again…through the wastes of time…
…but it doesn’t work that way.
…
They will rest in me…if only everyone knew…
…
-There will be a day, when I will find in myself…where I want to be, what I’d destroy myself just to have. Happiness…
Yeah, that is a word people made, but I haven’t heard of it in forever, let alone have I felt it.
…I long to feel, because I know I’m loosing myself to this shit…
.
---
So Sarai, my crush at work quit her job. She put in her 2 weeks notice because her family needs attention in California. She said that she’d be back in June-ish, but I know she most likely wont work back at our Fry’s grocery store. She sucks, I hate her. She’s so goddamn likeable, and utterly gorgeous…behind ovular glasses-lol.
Ryan’s one lucky bastard. I don’t know what she sees in him, but whatever. If it makes her happy…
Man, I’m an ass.
Shut up, it’s my journal-lol. I know I’m being selfish right now-lol
I’m being promoted…a cashier, to pretty much take Sarai’s place at work, heh…I just don’t have any clue when. Yay for me. This week’s paycheck was also $200. I was proud of myself. I woke up at 5am on my day off one day for that nice check-lol. It’s the most I’ve ever made in a weeks worth of working thus far. Alas, I had no one to share my joy with. That happens when the connections between friends begins to run dry. No Nessa, and Amanda has her friends and school. Its just pretty much me…with Aida in NAU…Yes, there is Aubs. Good ol’ Aubs. J.
Well shit.
I need my license.
And yes, Cisco and me hung out again today. This time I got to see his room :P. It’s ALL black, and really hard to see. I saw ‘Doghouse Music store’ for the first time today. I bought some pics there, an amp chord, and some new strings for my baby (guitar,) Amy (gee, lemme guess why my guitars name is Amy-lol). So yeah, we went to Cisco’s and he changed them for me. Good ol’ ‘Ernie Ball’ brand ones.
I can see that this friendship is growing rather well J. So is my music capabilities. I can play ‘Moon Baby’ from Godsmack on my guitar now, thanks to Cisco. Jesse would literally shit a brick (my brother) if he knew. It sounds better on a distortion pedal, though. By the way, did I tell you that he got married this last weekend?
Yup, my brother is now married-lol. Not the ceremony, just the nuptials. The actual ceremony wont be until…like…August.
Crazy.
I plan to go to Ozzfest with Cisco in the summer, and Dresden Dolls with Aubs on May…26th-ish-??
Yesssssssssssssssssssss.
Note to self---spend 3 more hours into the early morning brooding over depressing shit, all the while drawing pictures. Then fall asleep. The awake and jump right onto the computer. Color pictures. Call Aubs. Go to work (not to work), and bug Cisco about the distortion pedal problem. Get his goddamn phone number (because I keep on loosing the damn thing).Get food. Come home. Draw some more, be depressed some more. Make calls to all my friends (what which are left). Stay up until 3am again in my room/prision, wishing I was dead or in love (or both-lol). Sleep. Then go to work.
Try and have fun without Brenda and Sarai not being there anymore. Work until midnight, wishing all the while I could speak to Nessa.
Oh lord, I’m terrorable.
…
..
.
.