seeps through soil like acid.
(The following entry was written early yesterday on 4-5-2005)
A face, a feeling…or a broken memory, that never really healed right.
I’ve been sitting in my bed each night for the past week unable to sleep, putting in hard hours merely to keep my account full enough at work. There’s quite a bit I usually ignore until the early hours, where it tries to push through my head and find a way out. Then I turn on my computer, type it, and then go to bed.
Then all is fine. Then I sleep.
But there I something I will always think about, & I don’t think ill ever find a way to get it through, free or at peace enough to sigh as I fall into sleep.
It was Saturday night, and I was drifting as I usually would. And there was Kim. She nearly scared the shit out of me she seemed so real. Not a body or a sound, but a face in my thoughts that I could almost touch. I wanted to touch it.
Something I try so hard to bury always finds a way back up. Then I came to the realization that some things will never truly be buried. They tend to come back, when I least expect it…or when I need it the damn near most. When I crave it, because of how it made me feel.
Another one of those days was today. She’d be around as I threw away trash at work, or bagged someone’s groceries. That face, as clear as day in my memories, so sharp I could cut myself on it. I could cut myself on it.
There’s to a point where no one wants to hear of this anymore, god knows that I want to…
But I need sleep for tomorrow, and she needs to fall out of my head, even if it’s for only a short while.
And so here I am, the earliest that you can get into Tuesday, and I’m rolling around forever in my bed, trying to dodge speedy thoughts of how much I miss…things, Anything that had the divine ability to chronically make me smile. Things that are now lost, or too afraid to stay around.
A half of myself tells me that it’s over. Its finished. It ended like a train wreck with massive casualties on each other’s behalves. The other half is silent, but you know its there. It’s waiting until I turn away from it, then that’s when it sings. It sings of…
That’s how I met her. She was in the art room. An attraction but nothing more back then. But then there was that day…that day when I looked at her and knew, that she would have some part to play in my life, however it would eventually turn out. She was an excellent conversationalist, even though I still wonder why to this day why she bothered to speak to me. A beauty so bright it hurt to look at her. It was easy then, though.
I don’t know how things went why they did. It was easy to fall into her…but it hard as hell to climb back out.
A part of myself wanted to be accepted. A part of myself wanted to be noticed. A part of myself wanted to be loved. Perhaps even…a part of myself was curious for the taste of pain…back then. Maybe she could see that…
I could beat myself up about this for the next thousand years, though it wouldn’t make much of a damned difference.
Your right Kim, I do long to feel…something I’m addicted to I suppose. I…
felt for you…but I guess that’s just the thing that would lock me in the worst form of feeling until I die.
Things that I have done along the way until now…the things I’ve said out of my own blunt anger, or my insecurities, my hollowness, or my distance. I wish I could just erase them all. I wish I could speak to you again, even if it’s for a minute. I don’t want to hear from the ghost that continues to visit in my head. No, I need the real you, even if its for a little while.
I don’t even know how I love you anymore. I can’t stand to think of you much now, but…
The utmost desire. I want to meet you anew; I want to talk with you. I want to be there for you. And to the gods as my witness, I want to take care of you. I want to step up and shield you from anything in the goddamn world.
Perhaps, someday.
I’d die to.
You cared for me, even if it was just for a moment in my life.
I know the monster I’ve made myself become through you, and I apologize. I don’t say this for you to speak to me again, even though I want you too badly. No. I’m saying this for the wraith…and the dagger I’m staring at on my desk.
I want to cut the image out of my mind and throw it away…
…but I know now that it has become a part of me. It has made me into who I am today.
If only you knew…
-And if only I didn’t.
-And its time to bury you once again.
A face, a feeling…or a broken memory, that never really healed right.
I’ve been sitting in my bed each night for the past week unable to sleep, putting in hard hours merely to keep my account full enough at work. There’s quite a bit I usually ignore until the early hours, where it tries to push through my head and find a way out. Then I turn on my computer, type it, and then go to bed.
Then all is fine. Then I sleep.
But there I something I will always think about, & I don’t think ill ever find a way to get it through, free or at peace enough to sigh as I fall into sleep.
It was Saturday night, and I was drifting as I usually would. And there was Kim. She nearly scared the shit out of me she seemed so real. Not a body or a sound, but a face in my thoughts that I could almost touch. I wanted to touch it.
Something I try so hard to bury always finds a way back up. Then I came to the realization that some things will never truly be buried. They tend to come back, when I least expect it…or when I need it the damn near most. When I crave it, because of how it made me feel.
Another one of those days was today. She’d be around as I threw away trash at work, or bagged someone’s groceries. That face, as clear as day in my memories, so sharp I could cut myself on it. I could cut myself on it.
There’s to a point where no one wants to hear of this anymore, god knows that I want to…
But I need sleep for tomorrow, and she needs to fall out of my head, even if it’s for only a short while.
And so here I am, the earliest that you can get into Tuesday, and I’m rolling around forever in my bed, trying to dodge speedy thoughts of how much I miss…things, Anything that had the divine ability to chronically make me smile. Things that are now lost, or too afraid to stay around.
A half of myself tells me that it’s over. Its finished. It ended like a train wreck with massive casualties on each other’s behalves. The other half is silent, but you know its there. It’s waiting until I turn away from it, then that’s when it sings. It sings of…
That’s how I met her. She was in the art room. An attraction but nothing more back then. But then there was that day…that day when I looked at her and knew, that she would have some part to play in my life, however it would eventually turn out. She was an excellent conversationalist, even though I still wonder why to this day why she bothered to speak to me. A beauty so bright it hurt to look at her. It was easy then, though.
I don’t know how things went why they did. It was easy to fall into her…but it hard as hell to climb back out.
A part of myself wanted to be accepted. A part of myself wanted to be noticed. A part of myself wanted to be loved. Perhaps even…a part of myself was curious for the taste of pain…back then. Maybe she could see that…
I could beat myself up about this for the next thousand years, though it wouldn’t make much of a damned difference.
Your right Kim, I do long to feel…something I’m addicted to I suppose. I…
felt for you…but I guess that’s just the thing that would lock me in the worst form of feeling until I die.
Things that I have done along the way until now…the things I’ve said out of my own blunt anger, or my insecurities, my hollowness, or my distance. I wish I could just erase them all. I wish I could speak to you again, even if it’s for a minute. I don’t want to hear from the ghost that continues to visit in my head. No, I need the real you, even if its for a little while.
I don’t even know how I love you anymore. I can’t stand to think of you much now, but…
The utmost desire. I want to meet you anew; I want to talk with you. I want to be there for you. And to the gods as my witness, I want to take care of you. I want to step up and shield you from anything in the goddamn world.
Perhaps, someday.
I’d die to.
You cared for me, even if it was just for a moment in my life.
I know the monster I’ve made myself become through you, and I apologize. I don’t say this for you to speak to me again, even though I want you too badly. No. I’m saying this for the wraith…and the dagger I’m staring at on my desk.
I want to cut the image out of my mind and throw it away…
…but I know now that it has become a part of me. It has made me into who I am today.
If only you knew…
-And if only I didn’t.
-And its time to bury you once again.