Couldnt Sleep--
(The following entry was written early this morning.)
Once again, I am compelled to write…Even at 1:39 in he morning, after working relentlessly from 3:30 till 12 Midnight…I cant seem to sleep. There’s to many things going on in my mind…like a symbiote-It thinks and lives as a part of me until it is fulfilled, then it goes away…only to beg for sustenance later on down the line. I don’t know what it is…I have so much breaking through my head, and I don’t even know where to start. Its good I’m doing this, otherwise id hold it in and implode…like so many times I have done before.
Work has been brutal on my behalf, I’m now a courtesy clerk, or what I’d like to call a bagger, or a “cashier bitch.” Yesterday going over the floor seemed like FOREVER, and it was only 5 measly hours. What you do is you sweep the floor, take out the garbage (including the ones outside), and cleaning the restrooms. People can be very disgusting. I would rather do ANYTHING than to do it again for a long time. -Except for cutting off limbs, I need them for stuff o.o.
-Concerning college-
The question was popped about college, and I wanted to die in that split second. It looks like it’ll be about six months till I can move into a better job, and about a YEAR until I can remotely think about college. I want to be a pro artist, in the gaming industry, but that goal seems so far away right now. I had to bike my way to work today; you wouldn’t think it would be hard at all until you do it from where I live. Its like trying to move it with cement bricks tied to each foot. Sometimes, id be pleading so hard, yet not going faster than a walk, and I wanted so badly to throw the fucking mass of metal into a ditch and run the whole way…in then it would be easier. Mom is right though; it is motivating me to get my license more. What I don’t understand is why my parents want me to do chores more now that I have a job? I bust my ass, and they want me to do shit even on my off time. Now I see why all of those years why they we’re so disgruntled when they came home. I would personally want a thing of vodka and a nice recliner-but I suppose a shower will do me for now :P.
-Damn Cashier-
Then there was this cashier that I am not particularly fond of. At first I was neutral with her (because she was a bit pretty-oops. Whenever they are pretty, it always throws off my reading of them, which I’ve gotten good at.) She was being a complete bitch to a fellow employee. She walks off to her car with a cig in her mouth and even drives out like a bitch. Just then-I really hated myself for thinking that thing was cute. If only her outside matched her inside…shed probably die for feeling like a nice person.
-Couldnt sleep-
I tried falling asleep, and all I could think about was…. grocery bags. Not just their pseudo-poly help, but the items inside of them. Chips and bread stay on top-oh, and don’t forget the eggs. Bottled water and milk go in the larger chamber in the cart, and candy you give to the customers. Who needs this shit when you’re trying to fall asleep!?? It was carved into my mind so much today, that I was actually bagging groceries as I tried to sleep…and I also thought of my legs, how they we’re numb and throbbing.
Then…there was the woman, who was looking for bottled water. She didn’t actually exist, but she was practically in my prescience…and she hurt a bit. It figures…when I’m busy and I least expect it, that’s when she visits me. Its not when I’m happy, its when I’m totally, absolutely-SO miserable that I want to die, is when she’s there. She had been a trinket to gaze upon, to not feel so bad…as sad as that sounds…like a cut from a razor to the chest, she resides as a piercing scar from time to time. I hope that wherever she is, she’s well and happy, --that is what I truly care for. I miss her dearly.
-Aida and Nessa-
And then there is Aida and Vanessa. Nessa has been out of town, which feels like decades since I last saw her. Aida, however, has been busy with her job at the Green Tree dollar store. I’ve tried to get a hold of her long enough to set a date to see her, but whenever I do, I either forget or I am cut off by work. I miss her a lot too…sometimes I feel really bad, she’s done SOO much for me, and I cant even buy her something or have time off enough to see her. Money shouldn’t be much of a problem, but the timing…I don’t want to have her go back to N.A.U. without her ever seeing me-I care too much about her. Heh, she is a strong friend, one good enough to stand my falters, and I have quite a bit. She means a lot to me and I don’t even know how to show it…there is, however, a minute reason for that, but it shouldn’t hamper me at all. My worst fear is her never wanting to talk to me again, like so many of the past…
-Thoughts while being a cart bitch-
Getting carts is okay…I sing, and I’m getting pretty good at it, I think. I was home long enough during the summer to memorize practically every A Perfect Circle song, maybe Tool as well. On my small off time at home, I try to learn more of the guitar. It is a small dream of mine to play and sing good one day…perhaps, even known for my music. Nothing earth shattering or getting a certified gold album, I just have an urge to express myself, and I think I can make music if I try and want it hard enough. I’ve done drawing, and now I want to move on from there ya know-I want to branch out.
It was that feeling also while getting carts…like a bit of a failure. Each day is another I wish I could take back…things I never wish I hadn’t thought about, people I wish I had never seen, and optimism crushed, like a mallet to a head of lettuce…there I am thinking about groceries again >_<. Well, its 2:22am-make a wish!!! I know what I wish for…do you? Like I said, I’m sure ill feel A LOT better when I get my first check. Right now I’m running on ‘poor.’ I honestly don’t know what id do with so much money when I get it. I’m sure-give or take a month-which my dad will peel my near-broke ass for rent cash. Grocery Bag. Well, first off, id get food, and then, uhhhhhhhhh, I don’t know what else. Like Lettuce. Maybe eggs.
-Bitter aftertaste of today-
I’m so goddamn lost. I see the world for what it is-and I revolt at it. I feel empty too…everything I’ve wanted out of it has been miserably killed from my goals. I feel empty…I feel like…--a cart bitch. Rolling lettuce goes on the top, Ma’am. Empty…and the hole just keeps on rotting bigger…I cover it up with artwork, and work, and piles of grocery bags…The pit, it lures me in for a look, and it gets bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger…and even then I still wish to live, to try what I haven’t experienced out of this hollowness. When will I learn that life isn’t illuminated by the candles of people, and that happiness is felt only as much as it is contained…1/2 milks go to to a bag, and on the wider chamber of the cart. I think that now decadence is a gift I cannot partake and eat from…there aren’t any blindfolds much anymore.
“Feed my will to feel this moment, urging me to cross the line…”
“Feed me here, fill me up again, temporarily pacify this hungering.”
“I am, surrendering, to gravity and the unknown. Catch me, heal me, lift me back up to the sun, I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live (x2)”
--Tomato’s are fragile, and should remain unscathed. Place them on the top portion of the cart next to the bread to prevent bruising. “Thank you Ma’am, you have a good evening.”
Once again, I am compelled to write…Even at 1:39 in he morning, after working relentlessly from 3:30 till 12 Midnight…I cant seem to sleep. There’s to many things going on in my mind…like a symbiote-It thinks and lives as a part of me until it is fulfilled, then it goes away…only to beg for sustenance later on down the line. I don’t know what it is…I have so much breaking through my head, and I don’t even know where to start. Its good I’m doing this, otherwise id hold it in and implode…like so many times I have done before.
Work has been brutal on my behalf, I’m now a courtesy clerk, or what I’d like to call a bagger, or a “cashier bitch.” Yesterday going over the floor seemed like FOREVER, and it was only 5 measly hours. What you do is you sweep the floor, take out the garbage (including the ones outside), and cleaning the restrooms. People can be very disgusting. I would rather do ANYTHING than to do it again for a long time. -Except for cutting off limbs, I need them for stuff o.o.
-Concerning college-
The question was popped about college, and I wanted to die in that split second. It looks like it’ll be about six months till I can move into a better job, and about a YEAR until I can remotely think about college. I want to be a pro artist, in the gaming industry, but that goal seems so far away right now. I had to bike my way to work today; you wouldn’t think it would be hard at all until you do it from where I live. Its like trying to move it with cement bricks tied to each foot. Sometimes, id be pleading so hard, yet not going faster than a walk, and I wanted so badly to throw the fucking mass of metal into a ditch and run the whole way…in then it would be easier. Mom is right though; it is motivating me to get my license more. What I don’t understand is why my parents want me to do chores more now that I have a job? I bust my ass, and they want me to do shit even on my off time. Now I see why all of those years why they we’re so disgruntled when they came home. I would personally want a thing of vodka and a nice recliner-but I suppose a shower will do me for now :P.
-Damn Cashier-
Then there was this cashier that I am not particularly fond of. At first I was neutral with her (because she was a bit pretty-oops. Whenever they are pretty, it always throws off my reading of them, which I’ve gotten good at.) She was being a complete bitch to a fellow employee. She walks off to her car with a cig in her mouth and even drives out like a bitch. Just then-I really hated myself for thinking that thing was cute. If only her outside matched her inside…shed probably die for feeling like a nice person.
-Couldnt sleep-
I tried falling asleep, and all I could think about was…. grocery bags. Not just their pseudo-poly help, but the items inside of them. Chips and bread stay on top-oh, and don’t forget the eggs. Bottled water and milk go in the larger chamber in the cart, and candy you give to the customers. Who needs this shit when you’re trying to fall asleep!?? It was carved into my mind so much today, that I was actually bagging groceries as I tried to sleep…and I also thought of my legs, how they we’re numb and throbbing.
Then…there was the woman, who was looking for bottled water. She didn’t actually exist, but she was practically in my prescience…and she hurt a bit. It figures…when I’m busy and I least expect it, that’s when she visits me. Its not when I’m happy, its when I’m totally, absolutely-SO miserable that I want to die, is when she’s there. She had been a trinket to gaze upon, to not feel so bad…as sad as that sounds…like a cut from a razor to the chest, she resides as a piercing scar from time to time. I hope that wherever she is, she’s well and happy, --that is what I truly care for. I miss her dearly.
-Aida and Nessa-
And then there is Aida and Vanessa. Nessa has been out of town, which feels like decades since I last saw her. Aida, however, has been busy with her job at the Green Tree dollar store. I’ve tried to get a hold of her long enough to set a date to see her, but whenever I do, I either forget or I am cut off by work. I miss her a lot too…sometimes I feel really bad, she’s done SOO much for me, and I cant even buy her something or have time off enough to see her. Money shouldn’t be much of a problem, but the timing…I don’t want to have her go back to N.A.U. without her ever seeing me-I care too much about her. Heh, she is a strong friend, one good enough to stand my falters, and I have quite a bit. She means a lot to me and I don’t even know how to show it…there is, however, a minute reason for that, but it shouldn’t hamper me at all. My worst fear is her never wanting to talk to me again, like so many of the past…
-Thoughts while being a cart bitch-
Getting carts is okay…I sing, and I’m getting pretty good at it, I think. I was home long enough during the summer to memorize practically every A Perfect Circle song, maybe Tool as well. On my small off time at home, I try to learn more of the guitar. It is a small dream of mine to play and sing good one day…perhaps, even known for my music. Nothing earth shattering or getting a certified gold album, I just have an urge to express myself, and I think I can make music if I try and want it hard enough. I’ve done drawing, and now I want to move on from there ya know-I want to branch out.
It was that feeling also while getting carts…like a bit of a failure. Each day is another I wish I could take back…things I never wish I hadn’t thought about, people I wish I had never seen, and optimism crushed, like a mallet to a head of lettuce…there I am thinking about groceries again >_<. Well, its 2:22am-make a wish!!! I know what I wish for…do you? Like I said, I’m sure ill feel A LOT better when I get my first check. Right now I’m running on ‘poor.’ I honestly don’t know what id do with so much money when I get it. I’m sure-give or take a month-which my dad will peel my near-broke ass for rent cash. Grocery Bag. Well, first off, id get food, and then, uhhhhhhhhh, I don’t know what else. Like Lettuce. Maybe eggs.
-Bitter aftertaste of today-
I’m so goddamn lost. I see the world for what it is-and I revolt at it. I feel empty too…everything I’ve wanted out of it has been miserably killed from my goals. I feel empty…I feel like…--a cart bitch. Rolling lettuce goes on the top, Ma’am. Empty…and the hole just keeps on rotting bigger…I cover it up with artwork, and work, and piles of grocery bags…The pit, it lures me in for a look, and it gets bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and bigger…and even then I still wish to live, to try what I haven’t experienced out of this hollowness. When will I learn that life isn’t illuminated by the candles of people, and that happiness is felt only as much as it is contained…1/2 milks go to to a bag, and on the wider chamber of the cart. I think that now decadence is a gift I cannot partake and eat from…there aren’t any blindfolds much anymore.
“Feed my will to feel this moment, urging me to cross the line…”
“Feed me here, fill me up again, temporarily pacify this hungering.”
“I am, surrendering, to gravity and the unknown. Catch me, heal me, lift me back up to the sun, I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live (x2)”
--Tomato’s are fragile, and should remain unscathed. Place them on the top portion of the cart next to the bread to prevent bruising. “Thank you Ma’am, you have a good evening.”