(no subject)
fairly sure that severe depression returned from the depths...like an invisible train it has ripped me from my limbs and left a liquified mass to spoil in the heat of tomorrow's sunlight.
why doesn't anyone want me? i know some would beg to differ on the subject, but i know the truth. i need someone to want me purely and simply. i don't want the difficulties of having to put up fronts...lies. i'm sick of the self-righteous liars (myself included). i don't want to feel like i should just sell everything and get the fuck out. i just can't help it. the need to claw out my eyes and destroy my "girl parts" naggs me daily. i must find a way of getting out. more walks in the cemetary. more cleaning. a second/third job. i'm not in the least sure of what will subdue these viscious cravings. screaming? that used to be the simplest of problem solvers. any tension is lost with a good wail. that, or getting the piss beatten out of you.
i would really like to be okay with myself again. i only ask fo okay. stunning is not neccesary. i must find something to admire. something in me that isn't disgust or disarray. more or less, i would liek to prove a point. i can survive on my own. fat chance of the opportunity for that ever happening. i always put myself in situations where i'm stuck. always surrounded by other people...or at least one. i end up taking care of them and never focusing on myself. i think that's why i'm so freakin scared right now. i'm basically alone. yes, i live with joe, but we're rarely home at the same time. when we are, we don't speak much...at least not about anything of substance. no true feelings involved. is it possible that i'm just regaining my heartlessness against my will? quite. maybe that's something to think about. i haven't really gottn down to the root of me in years. i believe i'm buried under the rubble of hatred. one of my least favorite feelings. i don't want to touch it for fear of it contaminating my aura. too bad it's not even visible anymore. any glow i once had is overcast by the shell i've constructed. pitty me. HA! always with the sarcasm. i guess i'm really just not up for this whole soul-searching thing. it's such a bore.
why doesn't anyone want me? i know some would beg to differ on the subject, but i know the truth. i need someone to want me purely and simply. i don't want the difficulties of having to put up fronts...lies. i'm sick of the self-righteous liars (myself included). i don't want to feel like i should just sell everything and get the fuck out. i just can't help it. the need to claw out my eyes and destroy my "girl parts" naggs me daily. i must find a way of getting out. more walks in the cemetary. more cleaning. a second/third job. i'm not in the least sure of what will subdue these viscious cravings. screaming? that used to be the simplest of problem solvers. any tension is lost with a good wail. that, or getting the piss beatten out of you.
i would really like to be okay with myself again. i only ask fo okay. stunning is not neccesary. i must find something to admire. something in me that isn't disgust or disarray. more or less, i would liek to prove a point. i can survive on my own. fat chance of the opportunity for that ever happening. i always put myself in situations where i'm stuck. always surrounded by other people...or at least one. i end up taking care of them and never focusing on myself. i think that's why i'm so freakin scared right now. i'm basically alone. yes, i live with joe, but we're rarely home at the same time. when we are, we don't speak much...at least not about anything of substance. no true feelings involved. is it possible that i'm just regaining my heartlessness against my will? quite. maybe that's something to think about. i haven't really gottn down to the root of me in years. i believe i'm buried under the rubble of hatred. one of my least favorite feelings. i don't want to touch it for fear of it contaminating my aura. too bad it's not even visible anymore. any glow i once had is overcast by the shell i've constructed. pitty me. HA! always with the sarcasm. i guess i'm really just not up for this whole soul-searching thing. it's such a bore.