Dreams
I had another dream about Jessica just now. It's funny how true to life dreams can be. I actually woke up and said thank god this wasn't real. Not that real life is any different. Apparently I was driving my car but I had her iPod and Andrew was telling her that they had to cover a song where she could be more sexual and she didn't like it . But where it gets weird is I went to return her iPod in the dream , return it to her in a bar that was also a muddy feild. And as soon as I saw her from afar Kristin ran up and told me I shouldn't be there and when I asked why I saw how openly Jessica was crying. Tears were pouring down her face and clothes and I felt , much like I do in real life , so guilty and worthless. And walked back to my car, but in the dream I had my brothers phone and so I was going to text her to say something like , I'm sorry I make you feel this way I love you I hope you feel better , but when I started to text this she came up to my car and grabbed muchaels phone out of my hand and ran away , I didn't scream or chase her because it's Jessica you know how could I ever be aggressive , instead I got out of the car and paced in circles in the muddy field before jermaine came along and asked me if I wanted to eat something , as usual, and I remember walking with jermaine and passing tully and cave who were on a baseball field , and saying yall need that tully kind of reverb or some other band reference I can't remember , then I woke up. I guess I shouldn't sleep at 8;30 anymore . I just refuse to drink in the name of sadness. Sure I'm sad because she hates me or won't talk to me or something but I'd rather feel that misery in it's fullest intensity and then therefore know the extent of my longing and love then drink and pretend . Mom wants me to go to UNO , I can't do that . This one bedroom is nice. Music and time to read and think. I only wish I could call her and talk about this dream and every dream . What the he'll did I do to be such a terrible thing... I'm going to try to sleep again. Here goes nothing.