awakening
10th floor at my friends' apartment in Binh Thanh
I'll be honest, I've been thinkin' of goin' back to the states for a couple of months now. I've been thinkin' of how tired I am of Vietnam, but then taking it back because I'm not ready to leave. I just get tired. I get tired of the traffic. I get tired of exhaust blowin' at my face clogging my pores and damaging my lungs. I get tired of having to bargain. I get tired of hearing I look like I'm Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Singaporean, etc. I get tired of going places and having the service talk and ask questions to my Vietnamese friends, but handing me the check... or better yet, I pay and my Vietnamese friends get the change. WTF?
I'm American. I'm Vietnamese. Yes, really, Vietnamese. Yes, I know I look Japanese. I'm 30. I'm not married. I dunno when I'll be. I dunno how long I'll be here for.
JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!
I mean... it's been 3.25 years of this, dudes. It's hard to keep up the act of it bein' my first time ever hearin' these questions.
I bumped into a friend the other day who's been here for probably over 2 years now. When I first met her I think she was still on her first year. Still optimistic, still nice. I realized that when we were catching up, every response she had to whatever I said was disappointingly pessimistic, yet she was thinking exactly what I was thinking. After living here for so long, we have become hateful, incredibly skeptical, and having no trace of any hope that we held when we were first here. I talked to another friend I hadn't talked to in awhile and had pretty similar responses and conversations. It's sad. We've been beaten down. I remember when I first got here, the 2-3+ year people were so incredibly jaded. They definitely understood Ho Chi Minh and the culture here, but they just weren't so nice and they were ready to leave. Sometimes I think back to when I first got here, all starry eyed taking pictures and blogging so much, wishing I could be that person again. So fresh. So energetic.
Now I don't even know if it's just my spirit or it's actually my health. Granted, I'm not as fit as I used to be when I had much more free time, but I get sick quite often now. I think I average once every 3 months when I used to average once or twice a year. I used to smile more. I used to go out more and want to get to know more people. Now I just hold back wonderin' what's the use of getting to know people who would just leave in three months or so.
I'm jaded, I am. I admit it.
Good news is, I've realized what happened. I'm not built to work for "the man". In fact, I think I have an allergy to working full time, ya know, bein' a bitch. I just can't do it anymore. I decided to get into full time work to get some stable income, but it's caused me to feel as if I've wasted a year and I'm in the same position I was when I was the states. I didn't come here for this. I didn't come here to dread every fuckin' day I go to work. I left my career in the states because I didn't want that.
And now look at me! Different job, same soul drenching situation.
What a friggin' waste.
Good thing is, I'll be done with my contract in 3 weeks. I've been lookin' into traveling to Indonesia for some AMAZING diving and some adventure travel. I wanna do 4 weeks, but I think I can only afford 3 or less with all the things I wanna do. After doin' so much research and realizing I'm going to have so much more free time, I realized again (I forgot AGAIN) that I live in Southeast Asia. I can fly to other exotic countries for less than 100 bucks roundtrip and eat for less than 15 a day with hotel and food. What the hell have I been doin' workin' like a friggin' slave hatin' every day I go to work for a friggin' year?!!! Ugh.
Anyway. Almost done. After that I really hope to be myself again.