TORI AMOS
Was here. In my city. Last night. And I MISSED IT!!! And I'm actually distraught enough to be posting about it, because, well...how did I NOT know about this? I have been that woman's biggest fan since I was 8 years old. Seeing her in concert two years ago was almost a spiritual experience. I know how pretentious and ridiculous that sounds but I don't even know how else to describe it...it was so surreal to be seeing this woman I had idolized for so many years right in front of my eyes, in the same building as me. I don't get starstruck, but she's so far beyond that since I've put her on this pedestal since I was a little girl. She's like, superhuman to me. Ok... /uber creepy rant.
I'm really going to try my hardest to get past this but at least this news distracted me from feeling fat and useless for two seconds. For the past few days I have not been feeling well, and I wake up today with a full-blown cold at the same time I am supposed to be getting to work. In the 7 months I have worked here I have not been late, and now it happens twice in one week? So that was not a good start to my day. I was planning on going to spinning tonight considering I've been feeling under the weather and consequently have not been to the gym all week but now that's out and I'm just so frustrated.
I am CHUBBY. I've gained weight and I can feel it. Every morning I wake up and it's the first thing on my mind. If I've been good for the past few days I feel hopeful, optimistic. I may not be anywhere near where I want to be, but at least I'm on my way to successfully transforming myself. I get out of bed, stand in front of the mirror with my shirt up and run my hand over my stomach and hipbones. Then I get ready for work. Every morning this is my ritual. If I feel I've been eating too much or not working out enough it is the first thing I feel before I even open my eyes. It's this oppressive, hopeless feeling, and I can't even describe it. I know if I gain weight I can lose it, I've done it before, obviously, because my weight has fluctuated all over the place. But the fact that in the past few days, weeks, however long it may be, I haven't been doing anything to actively change myself is so unbearable sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but I'm really trying to get this out of my head and articulate this feeling because it's how I live my life. Every single day it cycles like that. A lot of days it becomes so overwhelming that I don't even want to live anymore because it is so, so exhausting being controlled by this...force.
And it's not really helping matters that my doctor still has not given the pharmacy authorization to refill my prescription. How long does it take to fax a form back? I'm starting to get really panicked thinking about the single pill I have left. I should taken it today, but I didn't because I like the security of knowing I have at least one left.
I hope I am feeling better by tomorrow, I have a jam-packed weekend. There are parties every night. I am turning down tonight's festivities to rest up because tomorrow is the party at the Hard Rock, which I have been looking forward to for forever. The pictures from my holiday party are up on our company's hard drive and about half of them are of me dancing, making crazy poses, arms in the air, and generally looking like a drunken sorority girl on spring break. Fortunately everyone I work with thinks it's funny. And I definitely was not the drunkest person there, not even close. I didn't get sloppy or incoherent whatsoever. But I was probably the most fun. It's great because all night people were coming up to my best friend and telling her how quiet and reserved I am at work, which she found hilarious since I'm probably the wildest out of all of our friends. It has always been that way. There may be a lot of things I don't like about myself but I do pride myself on the fact that everyone has always been able to count on me for a good time. Maybe that's part of my crazy genes, ha. All crazy people are fun. When I get in my zone I'm impulsive, spontaneous, uninhibited, a blast to be around. The downside is that these qualities also happen to be my vices and have gotten me in trouble. I feel everything very intensely. When I'm happy, I'm over the moon, I'm unstoppable. When I'm depressed, forget it, I'm down a rabbit hole and there's nothing anyone can do for me or that I can do for myself until it subsides.
I've also been raised in the theatre, and theatre people are a different breed all together. We're all lunatics, seriously.
Sometimes it will take me a little while to come out of my shell when I first meet people and I probably come off as a bit shy. Especially in a work setting, because I want to be seen as professional. But now all my coworkers have seen my true colors, and maybe it's my imagination, but I think everyone feels like they know me better and like me a lot more for it.
However, my friend did request that I tone down the crazy just a little for her party tomorrow because they are a more reserved lot. =]
I'm really going to try my hardest to get past this but at least this news distracted me from feeling fat and useless for two seconds. For the past few days I have not been feeling well, and I wake up today with a full-blown cold at the same time I am supposed to be getting to work. In the 7 months I have worked here I have not been late, and now it happens twice in one week? So that was not a good start to my day. I was planning on going to spinning tonight considering I've been feeling under the weather and consequently have not been to the gym all week but now that's out and I'm just so frustrated.
I am CHUBBY. I've gained weight and I can feel it. Every morning I wake up and it's the first thing on my mind. If I've been good for the past few days I feel hopeful, optimistic. I may not be anywhere near where I want to be, but at least I'm on my way to successfully transforming myself. I get out of bed, stand in front of the mirror with my shirt up and run my hand over my stomach and hipbones. Then I get ready for work. Every morning this is my ritual. If I feel I've been eating too much or not working out enough it is the first thing I feel before I even open my eyes. It's this oppressive, hopeless feeling, and I can't even describe it. I know if I gain weight I can lose it, I've done it before, obviously, because my weight has fluctuated all over the place. But the fact that in the past few days, weeks, however long it may be, I haven't been doing anything to actively change myself is so unbearable sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but I'm really trying to get this out of my head and articulate this feeling because it's how I live my life. Every single day it cycles like that. A lot of days it becomes so overwhelming that I don't even want to live anymore because it is so, so exhausting being controlled by this...force.
And it's not really helping matters that my doctor still has not given the pharmacy authorization to refill my prescription. How long does it take to fax a form back? I'm starting to get really panicked thinking about the single pill I have left. I should taken it today, but I didn't because I like the security of knowing I have at least one left.
I hope I am feeling better by tomorrow, I have a jam-packed weekend. There are parties every night. I am turning down tonight's festivities to rest up because tomorrow is the party at the Hard Rock, which I have been looking forward to for forever. The pictures from my holiday party are up on our company's hard drive and about half of them are of me dancing, making crazy poses, arms in the air, and generally looking like a drunken sorority girl on spring break. Fortunately everyone I work with thinks it's funny. And I definitely was not the drunkest person there, not even close. I didn't get sloppy or incoherent whatsoever. But I was probably the most fun. It's great because all night people were coming up to my best friend and telling her how quiet and reserved I am at work, which she found hilarious since I'm probably the wildest out of all of our friends. It has always been that way. There may be a lot of things I don't like about myself but I do pride myself on the fact that everyone has always been able to count on me for a good time. Maybe that's part of my crazy genes, ha. All crazy people are fun. When I get in my zone I'm impulsive, spontaneous, uninhibited, a blast to be around. The downside is that these qualities also happen to be my vices and have gotten me in trouble. I feel everything very intensely. When I'm happy, I'm over the moon, I'm unstoppable. When I'm depressed, forget it, I'm down a rabbit hole and there's nothing anyone can do for me or that I can do for myself until it subsides.
I've also been raised in the theatre, and theatre people are a different breed all together. We're all lunatics, seriously.
Sometimes it will take me a little while to come out of my shell when I first meet people and I probably come off as a bit shy. Especially in a work setting, because I want to be seen as professional. But now all my coworkers have seen my true colors, and maybe it's my imagination, but I think everyone feels like they know me better and like me a lot more for it.
However, my friend did request that I tone down the crazy just a little for her party tomorrow because they are a more reserved lot. =]