Post-purge reflection
It struck me just now that I used to be a much better person. I used to care about important things and I loved learning, and surrounding myself with different types of people and I had so much more substance, whatever the hell that means. I would dread my hair on a whim, take an 8 hour road trip at 2 am with my friends because we wanted to, and scour thrift shops and people's closets for weird and interesting things to wear. I was always surrounded by the most intelligent, unique, and free-spirited people and I immersed myself in everything quirky and odd because it felt good to not be like everyone else. OK, so I probably wasn't any more "different" than any other teenager who decides to buck conformity but I liked to think I was. Everything felt brand-new and exciting and everything we did was an adventure. We did some drug experimentation, but probably nothing more unusual than anyone else my age. We were all so curiously naive that for the most part the experiences were very pure and it never felt wrong. I remember taking mushrooms and lying on my back in my friend's yard for hours, marvelling at how beautiful everything was and how peaceful I felt. Maybe my friends that were there don't look back on these times as fondly as I do, maybe they see it completely differently. But I doubt it. I know that everything wasn't perfect, it never is; I was still really struggling with depression (although I didn't have an eating disorder yet, which is amazing in itself since I can't even remember what that feels like), but I also feel like I was a better person back then. Not as jaded, less superficial, more innocent.
I'm so different now. That sense of spontaneity and newness is completely gone from my life. Everything is more structured, which I both love and loathe. I have a Monday-Friday job at an office and I look and dress like everyone else. I can no longer take off across the state just because I want to, or pierce my face, or dye my hair blue. Those days are long behind me.
Maybe that's all a part of growing up and gaining responsibility, but I still miss the old me. It's 4:30 and I still haven't done anything today, apart from throw up everything I've eaten.
I'm so different now. That sense of spontaneity and newness is completely gone from my life. Everything is more structured, which I both love and loathe. I have a Monday-Friday job at an office and I look and dress like everyone else. I can no longer take off across the state just because I want to, or pierce my face, or dye my hair blue. Those days are long behind me.
Maybe that's all a part of growing up and gaining responsibility, but I still miss the old me. It's 4:30 and I still haven't done anything today, apart from throw up everything I've eaten.