participation.
i recently reread one of my favorite books of all time. and i loved every minute of it. "the perks of being a wallflower" has the ability to take me to a plane of thought i've never been able to visit before. and i can't even begin to get over it:
"once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it "chops"
because that was the name of his dog
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star.
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts.
that was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo.
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed a lot.
and the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant.
and his father always tucked him in bed at night
and was always there to do it.
once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it "autumn"
because that was the name of the season.
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly.
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint.
and the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
and sometimes they would burn holes.
that was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus.
and the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot.
and his father never tucked him in bed at night
and his father got mad when he cried for him to do it.
once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
and he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl.
and that's what it was all about
and his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look.
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed her.
that was the year that Father Tracy died.
and he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went.
and he caught his sister making out on the back porch
and his mother and father never kissed or even talked
and the girl around the corner wore too much makeup
that made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway because that was the thing to do.
and at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed,
his father snoring soundly.
that's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem.
and he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
because that's what it was really all about.
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen."
it's really interesting how much this book means to me. really interesting, and mildly frightening.
i'm stuck and i need to get out of wherever i am. i'm falling back on things that i hate and i keep thinking the same thoughts about how much i hate my family and where i have to go once everything ends. i'm stuck in a mindless rut of hopes that don't get me anywhere and cordial faces that smile back when i see them. they don't know that i'm pretending, and the ones who may have an idea won't speak their minds.
i just feel like saying "no" to everything and nobody wants to hear it. i disappoint myself with my cowardice every day.
"once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it "chops"
because that was the name of his dog
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star.
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts.
that was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo.
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed a lot.
and the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant.
and his father always tucked him in bed at night
and was always there to do it.
once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it "autumn"
because that was the name of the season.
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly.
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint.
and the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
and sometimes they would burn holes.
that was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus.
and the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot.
and his father never tucked him in bed at night
and his father got mad when he cried for him to do it.
once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
and he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl.
and that's what it was all about
and his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look.
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed her.
that was the year that Father Tracy died.
and he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went.
and he caught his sister making out on the back porch
and his mother and father never kissed or even talked
and the girl around the corner wore too much makeup
that made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway because that was the thing to do.
and at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed,
his father snoring soundly.
that's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem.
and he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
because that's what it was really all about.
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen."
it's really interesting how much this book means to me. really interesting, and mildly frightening.
i'm stuck and i need to get out of wherever i am. i'm falling back on things that i hate and i keep thinking the same thoughts about how much i hate my family and where i have to go once everything ends. i'm stuck in a mindless rut of hopes that don't get me anywhere and cordial faces that smile back when i see them. they don't know that i'm pretending, and the ones who may have an idea won't speak their minds.
i just feel like saying "no" to everything and nobody wants to hear it. i disappoint myself with my cowardice every day.