A Day in the Life
You know I had thoughts that I wanted to put down in this journal. Me ranting and raving about how every day I feel sub-par. Inferior to those around me. I put all the effort I can muster into the things I actually care about and what is my return? Nil. I am always giving and giving and giving and giving. Trying to help those around me. Encouraging them to be the best. Whether through generous words or tough love, it doesn't matter. I get no benefit. If the encouragement does work. I get left behind in the dust to clean up without so much as a thank you. I get pulled away from school work for trivial things, and when I refuse, I get hounded for being mean and disrespectful. I am so used to getting taken advantage of, that nowadays whatever I put in, I expect nothing out of it. Why get my hopes up? Why dream of happiness? Doing so, puts me further into depression as my life in no ways can even compare to my dreams. I get further from reality. Upon realizing I am distancing myself from reality, I get further into depression as I realize my life will never stack up to even the bleakest of hopes. Maybe my standards are too high? Maybe I should lower them to the same level as my mentally disabled brethren. After the party we put on for young adults with Asperger's Syndrome, seeing very little hope. When I first met the group, I felt that I was higher up on the Autism Spectrum than they were. But now I feel that they might even have more going for them than I do. Ughh...I feel so alone even among friends. My mom says I "crowd surf" I stay to the outside of the group and don't put myself in the crowd enough. Its true, if I am ever at a party I am always on the outside. For instance, this past friday was my friend's birthday party. While we were all up in her dorm room, I stayed to the outside edge of the gathering. One good thing did come out of that, I hooked up with this girl and we spent the night alone in the study lounge all over each other. But it still felt so hollow. Why do all my endeavors feel so empty and useless? I never feel like I accomplish anything of any importance. I feel empty inside. So alone. I need somebody to love, someone to cuddle with. Maybe I should call this girl. She sent me a message and gave me her number, so maybe she is interested in me. and it wasn't just a "one night stand." Who am I kidding? nobody cares. I am to be used and then discarded. <- that sentence sums up my life.