(no subject)
Today at 11:31... all of my stress will be gone. All I'll have to think about is chemistry, which I like to do :-)
Thanks for staying up all night with me Mike, and thanks Matt, Jeremy and Mike for reading my papers. You guys are awesome!
Well at least now I can't say my life didn't have meaning. I had horrible dreams for the last three hours. The worst part was they didn't feel like dreams, since I kept coming in and out of consciousness. They were like...thoughts I couldn't control. They ran the gamut of my insecurities, peaking right before my alarm went off with a scenario of me going back home a failure whose parents had even given up on him. My father had a shiny black lamborghini in his driveway that he no doubt paid for with my tuition refund check(I guess he decided against the boat he really does have picked out). I recall at one point my mother and I talking about my options in school, but she lacked her usual fire instead seeming vacant and uncaring. When she asked about my plans and I gave her the 'I will go down with this ship, I am going to try until the end and not give up in this program' speech she returned that at this point it justs costed them more of their money since I had lost my scholarships. Things were hardly over when I woke up though... When I got in the shower the idea darted across my mind to make a mix of all the things I thought were beautiful, and end it with a suicide note. I'm not that extreme of a person, nor that far down on my rope yet...I guess my mind was just still dreaming. And you guys fault me for not sleeping, it keeps me sane. I set my alarm for the wrong time...I just realized that...at least it was early instead of late. Maybe I should wake up at this time every day, assuming I sleep. I want to get black streaks in my hair, i'm tossing the idea around, maybe I'll call my stylist. I'm debating whether I should post this, I've really been in a state lately, and I don't want anyone worrying, or calling my psychiatrist (haha), or getting me baker acted or anything. Hyperballad is such a great song. She would jump off a cliff just to hear what it would sound like. I think that's beautiful. Probably what spurred the scene in the shower was the thought in my mind when I woke up, "if it were me in Braden's place, who would be my Matt Davis?" Yeah I'm definitely not posting this one...
Thanks for staying up all night with me Mike, and thanks Matt, Jeremy and Mike for reading my papers. You guys are awesome!
Well at least now I can't say my life didn't have meaning. I had horrible dreams for the last three hours. The worst part was they didn't feel like dreams, since I kept coming in and out of consciousness. They were like...thoughts I couldn't control. They ran the gamut of my insecurities, peaking right before my alarm went off with a scenario of me going back home a failure whose parents had even given up on him. My father had a shiny black lamborghini in his driveway that he no doubt paid for with my tuition refund check(I guess he decided against the boat he really does have picked out). I recall at one point my mother and I talking about my options in school, but she lacked her usual fire instead seeming vacant and uncaring. When she asked about my plans and I gave her the 'I will go down with this ship, I am going to try until the end and not give up in this program' speech she returned that at this point it justs costed them more of their money since I had lost my scholarships. Things were hardly over when I woke up though... When I got in the shower the idea darted across my mind to make a mix of all the things I thought were beautiful, and end it with a suicide note. I'm not that extreme of a person, nor that far down on my rope yet...I guess my mind was just still dreaming. And you guys fault me for not sleeping, it keeps me sane. I set my alarm for the wrong time...I just realized that...at least it was early instead of late. Maybe I should wake up at this time every day, assuming I sleep. I want to get black streaks in my hair, i'm tossing the idea around, maybe I'll call my stylist. I'm debating whether I should post this, I've really been in a state lately, and I don't want anyone worrying, or calling my psychiatrist (haha), or getting me baker acted or anything. Hyperballad is such a great song. She would jump off a cliff just to hear what it would sound like. I think that's beautiful. Probably what spurred the scene in the shower was the thought in my mind when I woke up, "if it were me in Braden's place, who would be my Matt Davis?" Yeah I'm definitely not posting this one...