(no subject)
God, let me just tell you, allot can happen in a month. And allot has. I have no idea WHAT a normal day is, and i'm not lying.
So last i left the audience, I had just told Iris good, that she has a reason to go. That night really was the push of the dominoe that led to me not speaking to dillon today or yesteday or the day before that. Things got real bad between me and kelsey, real bad. She started to become a different person when she was with iris, and i noticed it when she was around her. I loved kelsey, i really did, but now i feel so jaded against just people for handling my expendable friendship as she did. I told Erin that Kelsey had cheated on her with iris, and that it was a known fact for this creature iris to be std positive. Erin flipped. I told iris that kelsey had cheated on her with a married woman, um, her name not rememberable to me at this point of time, and iris flipped. Sometimes i guess you just have to watch who you fuck with. the other day, erin told me she saw kelsey at a bar, and Yes, she was with iris. But they weren't talking to each other any bit. They came together, but Kelsey was walking around the bar the whole night drinking all by herself, no one paying her any attention, not even the girl she would die for Iris. It's just a sad story. She texted me, "come get your shit or else i'll throw it away". so i get to her house before seeing my cousin jr one day, and so i get there and she texts me i'm not giving you anything until my parents get here. Wtf? So i wait, almost fucking 3 hours for her parents to get there, and her trashy disgusting piece of a father gets in my face and is screaming at me, telling me all these things to my face. I went right up to him, and told him, Mister. I'm not scared of you. Her trashy mom came out crying grabbing her husband screaming "goodbye AJ!!! goodbye ajj!!!" I looked in my box, which was filled of clothes, but not all my clothes. I banged hard as fuck on the door. Excuse me, friends, I say, My brown courdoroys arn't there, and my angels in america book isn't either. She goes to her car and gets them out of backpack. What the fuck? So i look at her into her eyes, and say "My laptop is not in that box." She runs in the house, and then i say "I'm sorry, i must of been mistakin. You can just put it in that box. You know, that laptop you borrowed to me, Oh? You sold it to pawnshop? Without me knowing? Did i put a word in? Oh, that's okay kels! Just pay me for it, okay?!" Her mom was crying and her dad was screaming that the cops were coming. How dramatic. I just don't need trashy friends who sell your stuff for trashy reasons.
So i've been getting real close with my cousin jr. I like him because i know he is trapped. He HAS to love me and be okay with me. We're so opposites, but we along so well. He had a break from his girlfriend, and we were planning to come back to my place and just get drunk off of whiskey and be depressed drinking buddies. On our back from pedro to long beach, i see a strip club. Without a second thought, we were turned into the lot, walking into the middle of nowhere strip joint. From the moment we walked past the velvet curtains, we definately stood out from all the other just off of work middle class factory workers. We ended up taking a stripper home. Railed a pink pill, listened to music, and just chilled. She'd text me for the next couple of weeks.
You're all probably wondering about what happend to Andrew and Dillon. I went to andrew's sister Lorri's birthday party. The same day that Dillon got back to Texas. So i was pretty anxious. I wrote him right before he left
"how's your california escape so far? i hope you're feeling better....! Kelsey texted Iris from my phone "I think it's disrespectful what to you did to Dillon."....my god this bitch went off on me. Your a stupid boy this, your a stupid boy that. Totally dissing on you. She called me, looking for a fight, and got it, ...I made her cry. Both their worlds are on fire right now, with the ghosts that i've let out of the closet free.
...And i don't care what you think about me... you are still my friend, and no matter what, nobody talks shit about anybody i remotely care about. I'd rather stand up for somebody who makes me feel good and infinite about myself even for a second than somebody who will bring me attempt to break me down with unjustice. one of my biggest pet peeves is people not standing up for somebody they love, family...friends.....it's like i'm not a hypocrite, and there is a reason we have the friends we do in the first place...
i guess the only thing that's getting through this is the thought of you having my back. I get it. The whole emotionally cold complex. Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist. Be safe, come home safe. Let me know when you get in, vader gave me a package from yoda with your name on it? Yeah, wierd right? " he replies "
your such a dork....
i sock that bitch up..
please, i believe in equality...
just give me another reason... .All i could think in my head was what more reasons do you need Dillon? I love you, can't that be enough? I'm me, i'm down for you no matter what, can't that be enough? I'll give anything to you, my heart, my life my world, can't that be enough? I can't give another reason, i thought in my head. I can't keep doing this to myself. We are never going to be equal. I am never going to be good enough.... So my cousin, his girlfriend Dani, and her two dykes friends come with me. We meet andrew at the locked entrance gate and get inside. Nothing but sweaty hot hot csulb bros and bro hoes. I was paying more attention trying to get my friends comfortable than with paying attention to andrew while all my mind was thinking he's back he's back. We got our hands on some weed and smoked out in the bedroom. dani started saying all these weird things about who she / my cousin loves and it got really wierd to be high/emotional at that distinct time. This funny white girls came in and told us to get out or not look, because she hid jello shots in the room, and we promised we didn't even see, and then as soon as they left everyone got a red or blue one. LOL that night was a trip, then i saw andrew sitting there just talking, and my cousin told me he was going to leave, so i pick andrews hand up and i say, I need to talk to you. He immediately became super flushed and it hurt to hold his hands. I'm like well, come over here. So we go in the hallway, and i look at his eyes, and he says, what's wrong? What's wrong? and say "I just can't be your boyfriend right now" "Why?" he breathes out. " I just can't be your boyfriend." I kiss him, and he says on an inward breath "Oh, that's okay. Thats cool."and then tried to kiss me again. Where i pulled away from contact and left out the door. And then I heard his name. Well, i was talking to Shawna, the stripper from the night before last, and she asked me, "who's dillon?" I forgot that I had didn't log off of shawna signing into my computer. So i thought he deleted me, so i readded myself. Only, i didn't re-add myself, I added shawna. But i didn't realize it. Until way later. So i call dillon, and i'm like wtf are you messaging shawna for? Like seriously, that's like me messaging one of your girlfriends. idk if your trying to get with her or what? but that's just fucking stupid. He kept on saying I don't know what your talking you. I don't know what your talking about. Then on about the 4th or 5th time he told me that, he goes on to say, "She tried to add me and I said she looked familiar. " Then i realized what i mentioned before, and I couldn't let him think that everyone thinks he is god, i couldn't let him think that he was wanted by something i wanted, and i told him, well it was me and you handled the situation exactly how i thought you would. He replies with
" I never gave you the impression but our friendship which you seem to want to throw away talkn shit. I love you kid but i don't need drama. peace."
"I'm yours and will always be yurs. I gave you my whole body something ive ever only given to you i'm so sorry for anything to come between our friendship. Its so hard when the emotion is so electric. Ill do anything for you inlcuding deleting your number at the end of this text. I once had the most purest form of emotion for you dillon. it hurts so much to love you and it stilldoes. i know i will never love such a friend like i did you , but what more reasons can i give? There is none. Theres only one and you already know it. Goodbye, Get home safe, and be a good unlce to isabella, and dream..no more nightmares."
So again, firm believer of everything happening for a reason. *sigh.
from that sad day in march i was depressed and i still kind of am. right before the first of the month in the middle of the night i sent him a letter.
"
You have a way of coming easily to me.........
&when you take, you take the very best of me......
so I start a fight because I need to feel something......
&you do what you want because I'm not what you wanted......
as we walked we were talking, I didn't say half the things I wanted to....
its so hard not to call you
numbers written on my hand for weeks.....
its so hard not to think about you
memories carved in my heart forever.....
its so hard not to believe in you.....
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through,
I've never been anywhere cold as you.
I took a chance, i took a shot...
& you might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not....
You took a swing, i took it hard...
And down here from the ground i see who you are.
Every smile you fake is so condescending.....
& you come away with a great little story of a
mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.....
But I cried for you.....
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died for you........
.....no use defending words that you will never say.....
Breaking down and coming undone.....
it’s a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much......
And that’s the way I loved you.
Was I out of line?
did I say something way too honest?
that made you run and hide like a scared little boy....
I looked into your eyes; thought I knew you for a minute......
now I’m not so sure....
so here’s to everything....
coming down to nothing....
Here’s to silence that cuts me to the core.
where is this going? thought I knew for a minute
but I don’t anymore........
You tell me that that you love me then cut me down...
i got no one to believe in.
You tell me that you want me, then push me around....
And I need you like a heartbeat..
Yes, I remember what you said last night......
And I know that you see what you're doing to me....
It's a sad picture;
The final blow hits you.
Somebody else gets what you wanted again,
You know it's all the same,
Another time and place,
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it.
So I've got some things to say to you
I've seen it all, so I thought........
But I've never seen no body shine the way you do
The way you walk, way you talk, way you say my name
It's beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings
They're in my rear view mirror,
Disappearing now.
Its not this simple.... never easy....
I don't know a single soul who would want to feel that....
No one wants to feel completely unwanted
by some one they love and look up to.....
If you ever read this,
I want you to know that no matter what,
I will always love you."
So now i'm here and it was really tough to read through that last letter. This past week i've really been doing allot of myself finding. From being so trying to change who i was so bad to get someone, some people, people i know, people i don't know, to like me to just not giving a flying FUCK about changing a single thing. I think i've grown the most in these past couple of weeks than i have done in a while. I went out thursday, friday and saturday of this week. Right now it's monday, but for me it's still sunday night. :P I slept in till almost 7 pm today, i was that tired. Thursday i went to le tigre with damaris's sister yazmin. I got into the VIP guestlist line and have a cute chat about astrology, and i had found out that it was her (ingenue's birthday) and remembered it was so close to jenna's birthday. An Aries, my solar opposite! We got into the club, and i'm feeling so nervous. I wore Eman's thick boots, skinny levi's dark jeans, a pink v-neck from old school urban outfitters, and my heart on my sleeve. :p Oh taylor, if only you knew how much your music means to me sometimes. I'm seeing all these good people that i used to know before i wished my life away, and it was so good to see old friends. I was standing across from this guy who i saw from when i first walked into the club, and we got into such a conversation and i kissed him and he was mine for a good portion of the night. He was wearing this baby blue shirt, and his little swimmer's body and natural blue eyes just pierced me. He left early, and to cut that story short he asked me to come to newport and fuck in a really nice bathroom across the street from the house. Yeah, click. See, my life, so sex & the city. It would make a cute vigette. Especially the part where i left out about him trying to have fun sex with me. Oh and at tigerheat I find out that my mom got a dui and smashed her car into a pole. Yeah, not cute. Friday night was disastrous, i picked up half of an eighth, and left to pedro to pick up my cousin to go to this party in whittier. well i didn't know his entouage would include over 8. So I bring yazmin again out, jr, and his friend in my car while they met up with us in whittier. They wanted to jack a grocery store for alchohol, so i bring them to follow me right to the store then pulled a quick bitch and got onto the freeway because i wasn't drinking, you know? So we get to whittier, and i see that it's the guy who invite me friends party. so the little entourage of 9 go in and hit the drinks, and everyone is just staring. One of the little blonde girls got on the nerves of one of the mean latina girls and they asked us to leave. So we bailed, they told me i could come back, but they took some alchohol then peed pretty much all around the perimeter of the house, and the cats were already running to get their spots taken before someone else did. I slammed the door on my way out, because my friends were in no wrong whatsoever, and it's not their fault that the party you wanted to have like in mean girls didn't end up happening because no one wanted to it anyway. Right? You forget. I think.
We made our own party and head back to long beach. I knew that hamburger mary's was having a 5 dollar night so i took my straight cousin and his friend along. They hated it. They were absollutely repulsed. It was way funny, until i found a little cute girl for them to stare out. You know, one of those bombshells who follows around some asian twink to the dance clubs? I saw cody there, the boy from forever ago who once told everyone that he was going to marry me. He got all bad because one day i called him, and said "I miss you cody." "I miss you too.......it's sad" I left it at that because i was thinking oh, it's sad that you are engaged to some other guy and can't even hang out with me. Yeh, he was wearing the ring and everything. Whatever! Jokingly he walked away and told me he wanted a divorce, but that kinda hurt the way he said it. Don't even know how i got home that night, but the night was unreal. Singing I'm a brat. And I talk back. & i'm not listening to ANYTHING you SAY! " i forget who sings it, but it's my new anthem. Thank you, australia. At midnight i put on high school musical, and wished jenna a happy birthday. IDK if she felt it or anything, but there is no alert for "Someone is honestly thinking about you!" *sigh.Love you girl. Saturday night went to go see Brand New at USC and i ran into tiffanie, some girl who i'd fucked living in orange. She asked my cousin, hey, does that guy work at disneyland? pointing at me. later to find out she admitted she only said that to get at my cousin. Well Brand New was amazing, and we head over to Malia's goodbye. So happy, because who do i see? Michael. :) Even though, i texted him earlier and he told me he wasn't go to go, which was either a play of me on my part or he last minute decided to go. Anyways i'm chatting with everyone i know, the dimmed out supernovas of my disney days. I feel like a fucking child actor. You were somebody, but now you're nobody. So anyways talking to joe and i see my cousin hardcore kissing tiffanie. which was wierder to see than to talk about. Like, i kissed her, you know? Anyways, they go into their car and i smoke another bowl. LOL Just talking about life with josiah and joe, hearing about malia's trip and everything. so excited for her to go. I really want to go, especially because through her i get mad mad mad discounts.
so that's where i am now. i don't know if i'm any closer or further than from where I want to be, but the music sound good, the air breathes fresh and the city is so beautiful. I wish you could see it now.
So last i left the audience, I had just told Iris good, that she has a reason to go. That night really was the push of the dominoe that led to me not speaking to dillon today or yesteday or the day before that. Things got real bad between me and kelsey, real bad. She started to become a different person when she was with iris, and i noticed it when she was around her. I loved kelsey, i really did, but now i feel so jaded against just people for handling my expendable friendship as she did. I told Erin that Kelsey had cheated on her with iris, and that it was a known fact for this creature iris to be std positive. Erin flipped. I told iris that kelsey had cheated on her with a married woman, um, her name not rememberable to me at this point of time, and iris flipped. Sometimes i guess you just have to watch who you fuck with. the other day, erin told me she saw kelsey at a bar, and Yes, she was with iris. But they weren't talking to each other any bit. They came together, but Kelsey was walking around the bar the whole night drinking all by herself, no one paying her any attention, not even the girl she would die for Iris. It's just a sad story. She texted me, "come get your shit or else i'll throw it away". so i get to her house before seeing my cousin jr one day, and so i get there and she texts me i'm not giving you anything until my parents get here. Wtf? So i wait, almost fucking 3 hours for her parents to get there, and her trashy disgusting piece of a father gets in my face and is screaming at me, telling me all these things to my face. I went right up to him, and told him, Mister. I'm not scared of you. Her trashy mom came out crying grabbing her husband screaming "goodbye AJ!!! goodbye ajj!!!" I looked in my box, which was filled of clothes, but not all my clothes. I banged hard as fuck on the door. Excuse me, friends, I say, My brown courdoroys arn't there, and my angels in america book isn't either. She goes to her car and gets them out of backpack. What the fuck? So i look at her into her eyes, and say "My laptop is not in that box." She runs in the house, and then i say "I'm sorry, i must of been mistakin. You can just put it in that box. You know, that laptop you borrowed to me, Oh? You sold it to pawnshop? Without me knowing? Did i put a word in? Oh, that's okay kels! Just pay me for it, okay?!" Her mom was crying and her dad was screaming that the cops were coming. How dramatic. I just don't need trashy friends who sell your stuff for trashy reasons.
So i've been getting real close with my cousin jr. I like him because i know he is trapped. He HAS to love me and be okay with me. We're so opposites, but we along so well. He had a break from his girlfriend, and we were planning to come back to my place and just get drunk off of whiskey and be depressed drinking buddies. On our back from pedro to long beach, i see a strip club. Without a second thought, we were turned into the lot, walking into the middle of nowhere strip joint. From the moment we walked past the velvet curtains, we definately stood out from all the other just off of work middle class factory workers. We ended up taking a stripper home. Railed a pink pill, listened to music, and just chilled. She'd text me for the next couple of weeks.
You're all probably wondering about what happend to Andrew and Dillon. I went to andrew's sister Lorri's birthday party. The same day that Dillon got back to Texas. So i was pretty anxious. I wrote him right before he left
"how's your california escape so far? i hope you're feeling better....! Kelsey texted Iris from my phone "I think it's disrespectful what to you did to Dillon."....my god this bitch went off on me. Your a stupid boy this, your a stupid boy that. Totally dissing on you. She called me, looking for a fight, and got it, ...I made her cry. Both their worlds are on fire right now, with the ghosts that i've let out of the closet free.
...And i don't care what you think about me... you are still my friend, and no matter what, nobody talks shit about anybody i remotely care about. I'd rather stand up for somebody who makes me feel good and infinite about myself even for a second than somebody who will bring me attempt to break me down with unjustice. one of my biggest pet peeves is people not standing up for somebody they love, family...friends.....it's like i'm not a hypocrite, and there is a reason we have the friends we do in the first place...
i guess the only thing that's getting through this is the thought of you having my back. I get it. The whole emotionally cold complex. Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist. Be safe, come home safe. Let me know when you get in, vader gave me a package from yoda with your name on it? Yeah, wierd right? " he replies "
your such a dork....
i sock that bitch up..
please, i believe in equality...
just give me another reason... .All i could think in my head was what more reasons do you need Dillon? I love you, can't that be enough? I'm me, i'm down for you no matter what, can't that be enough? I'll give anything to you, my heart, my life my world, can't that be enough? I can't give another reason, i thought in my head. I can't keep doing this to myself. We are never going to be equal. I am never going to be good enough.... So my cousin, his girlfriend Dani, and her two dykes friends come with me. We meet andrew at the locked entrance gate and get inside. Nothing but sweaty hot hot csulb bros and bro hoes. I was paying more attention trying to get my friends comfortable than with paying attention to andrew while all my mind was thinking he's back he's back. We got our hands on some weed and smoked out in the bedroom. dani started saying all these weird things about who she / my cousin loves and it got really wierd to be high/emotional at that distinct time. This funny white girls came in and told us to get out or not look, because she hid jello shots in the room, and we promised we didn't even see, and then as soon as they left everyone got a red or blue one. LOL that night was a trip, then i saw andrew sitting there just talking, and my cousin told me he was going to leave, so i pick andrews hand up and i say, I need to talk to you. He immediately became super flushed and it hurt to hold his hands. I'm like well, come over here. So we go in the hallway, and i look at his eyes, and he says, what's wrong? What's wrong? and say "I just can't be your boyfriend right now" "Why?" he breathes out. " I just can't be your boyfriend." I kiss him, and he says on an inward breath "Oh, that's okay. Thats cool."and then tried to kiss me again. Where i pulled away from contact and left out the door. And then I heard his name. Well, i was talking to Shawna, the stripper from the night before last, and she asked me, "who's dillon?" I forgot that I had didn't log off of shawna signing into my computer. So i thought he deleted me, so i readded myself. Only, i didn't re-add myself, I added shawna. But i didn't realize it. Until way later. So i call dillon, and i'm like wtf are you messaging shawna for? Like seriously, that's like me messaging one of your girlfriends. idk if your trying to get with her or what? but that's just fucking stupid. He kept on saying I don't know what your talking you. I don't know what your talking about. Then on about the 4th or 5th time he told me that, he goes on to say, "She tried to add me and I said she looked familiar. " Then i realized what i mentioned before, and I couldn't let him think that everyone thinks he is god, i couldn't let him think that he was wanted by something i wanted, and i told him, well it was me and you handled the situation exactly how i thought you would. He replies with
" I never gave you the impression but our friendship which you seem to want to throw away talkn shit. I love you kid but i don't need drama. peace."
"I'm yours and will always be yurs. I gave you my whole body something ive ever only given to you i'm so sorry for anything to come between our friendship. Its so hard when the emotion is so electric. Ill do anything for you inlcuding deleting your number at the end of this text. I once had the most purest form of emotion for you dillon. it hurts so much to love you and it stilldoes. i know i will never love such a friend like i did you , but what more reasons can i give? There is none. Theres only one and you already know it. Goodbye, Get home safe, and be a good unlce to isabella, and dream..no more nightmares."
So again, firm believer of everything happening for a reason. *sigh.
from that sad day in march i was depressed and i still kind of am. right before the first of the month in the middle of the night i sent him a letter.
"
You have a way of coming easily to me.........
&when you take, you take the very best of me......
so I start a fight because I need to feel something......
&you do what you want because I'm not what you wanted......
as we walked we were talking, I didn't say half the things I wanted to....
its so hard not to call you
numbers written on my hand for weeks.....
its so hard not to think about you
memories carved in my heart forever.....
its so hard not to believe in you.....
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through,
I've never been anywhere cold as you.
I took a chance, i took a shot...
& you might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not....
You took a swing, i took it hard...
And down here from the ground i see who you are.
Every smile you fake is so condescending.....
& you come away with a great little story of a
mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.....
But I cried for you.....
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died for you........
.....no use defending words that you will never say.....
Breaking down and coming undone.....
it’s a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much......
And that’s the way I loved you.
Was I out of line?
did I say something way too honest?
that made you run and hide like a scared little boy....
I looked into your eyes; thought I knew you for a minute......
now I’m not so sure....
so here’s to everything....
coming down to nothing....
Here’s to silence that cuts me to the core.
where is this going? thought I knew for a minute
but I don’t anymore........
You tell me that that you love me then cut me down...
i got no one to believe in.
You tell me that you want me, then push me around....
And I need you like a heartbeat..
Yes, I remember what you said last night......
And I know that you see what you're doing to me....
It's a sad picture;
The final blow hits you.
Somebody else gets what you wanted again,
You know it's all the same,
Another time and place,
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it.
So I've got some things to say to you
I've seen it all, so I thought........
But I've never seen no body shine the way you do
The way you walk, way you talk, way you say my name
It's beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings
They're in my rear view mirror,
Disappearing now.
Its not this simple.... never easy....
I don't know a single soul who would want to feel that....
No one wants to feel completely unwanted
by some one they love and look up to.....
If you ever read this,
I want you to know that no matter what,
I will always love you."
So now i'm here and it was really tough to read through that last letter. This past week i've really been doing allot of myself finding. From being so trying to change who i was so bad to get someone, some people, people i know, people i don't know, to like me to just not giving a flying FUCK about changing a single thing. I think i've grown the most in these past couple of weeks than i have done in a while. I went out thursday, friday and saturday of this week. Right now it's monday, but for me it's still sunday night. :P I slept in till almost 7 pm today, i was that tired. Thursday i went to le tigre with damaris's sister yazmin. I got into the VIP guestlist line and have a cute chat about astrology, and i had found out that it was her (ingenue's birthday) and remembered it was so close to jenna's birthday. An Aries, my solar opposite! We got into the club, and i'm feeling so nervous. I wore Eman's thick boots, skinny levi's dark jeans, a pink v-neck from old school urban outfitters, and my heart on my sleeve. :p Oh taylor, if only you knew how much your music means to me sometimes. I'm seeing all these good people that i used to know before i wished my life away, and it was so good to see old friends. I was standing across from this guy who i saw from when i first walked into the club, and we got into such a conversation and i kissed him and he was mine for a good portion of the night. He was wearing this baby blue shirt, and his little swimmer's body and natural blue eyes just pierced me. He left early, and to cut that story short he asked me to come to newport and fuck in a really nice bathroom across the street from the house. Yeah, click. See, my life, so sex & the city. It would make a cute vigette. Especially the part where i left out about him trying to have fun sex with me. Oh and at tigerheat I find out that my mom got a dui and smashed her car into a pole. Yeah, not cute. Friday night was disastrous, i picked up half of an eighth, and left to pedro to pick up my cousin to go to this party in whittier. well i didn't know his entouage would include over 8. So I bring yazmin again out, jr, and his friend in my car while they met up with us in whittier. They wanted to jack a grocery store for alchohol, so i bring them to follow me right to the store then pulled a quick bitch and got onto the freeway because i wasn't drinking, you know? So we get to whittier, and i see that it's the guy who invite me friends party. so the little entourage of 9 go in and hit the drinks, and everyone is just staring. One of the little blonde girls got on the nerves of one of the mean latina girls and they asked us to leave. So we bailed, they told me i could come back, but they took some alchohol then peed pretty much all around the perimeter of the house, and the cats were already running to get their spots taken before someone else did. I slammed the door on my way out, because my friends were in no wrong whatsoever, and it's not their fault that the party you wanted to have like in mean girls didn't end up happening because no one wanted to it anyway. Right? You forget. I think.
We made our own party and head back to long beach. I knew that hamburger mary's was having a 5 dollar night so i took my straight cousin and his friend along. They hated it. They were absollutely repulsed. It was way funny, until i found a little cute girl for them to stare out. You know, one of those bombshells who follows around some asian twink to the dance clubs? I saw cody there, the boy from forever ago who once told everyone that he was going to marry me. He got all bad because one day i called him, and said "I miss you cody." "I miss you too.......it's sad" I left it at that because i was thinking oh, it's sad that you are engaged to some other guy and can't even hang out with me. Yeh, he was wearing the ring and everything. Whatever! Jokingly he walked away and told me he wanted a divorce, but that kinda hurt the way he said it. Don't even know how i got home that night, but the night was unreal. Singing I'm a brat. And I talk back. & i'm not listening to ANYTHING you SAY! " i forget who sings it, but it's my new anthem. Thank you, australia. At midnight i put on high school musical, and wished jenna a happy birthday. IDK if she felt it or anything, but there is no alert for "Someone is honestly thinking about you!" *sigh.Love you girl. Saturday night went to go see Brand New at USC and i ran into tiffanie, some girl who i'd fucked living in orange. She asked my cousin, hey, does that guy work at disneyland? pointing at me. later to find out she admitted she only said that to get at my cousin. Well Brand New was amazing, and we head over to Malia's goodbye. So happy, because who do i see? Michael. :) Even though, i texted him earlier and he told me he wasn't go to go, which was either a play of me on my part or he last minute decided to go. Anyways i'm chatting with everyone i know, the dimmed out supernovas of my disney days. I feel like a fucking child actor. You were somebody, but now you're nobody. So anyways talking to joe and i see my cousin hardcore kissing tiffanie. which was wierder to see than to talk about. Like, i kissed her, you know? Anyways, they go into their car and i smoke another bowl. LOL Just talking about life with josiah and joe, hearing about malia's trip and everything. so excited for her to go. I really want to go, especially because through her i get mad mad mad discounts.
so that's where i am now. i don't know if i'm any closer or further than from where I want to be, but the music sound good, the air breathes fresh and the city is so beautiful. I wish you could see it now.