I'm happy for you.
My phone is in a predicament. Truly it is. It can only read texts, but cannot send out. It can only receive calls, but not make them. Puts me in a certain imposition. I read this FML quote the other day chilling with my neighbor (Yes, the same one who backed into my saturn) It was like, Today, my phone hasn't rang in 2 weeks. My mom called me, but she said it was an accident she called, and hung up. FML. *sigh.
So i woke up yesterday, and got cute. My mom came to pick my little sister up, and I all quick status had her drop me off at the train station from Long Beach to Downtown Los Angeles. She didn't stop talking the whole way, so that was a good thing. I wore my cordoroy shorts i just got from American Apparel , and my white v-neck and dia de los muertos belt i got from urban. I'm on the blue line, just listening to my ipod. There was this really pretty mexican girl, and she just smiled at me. I think she read the words off of my mouth when i was mouthing the words to Spring Awakening. She had a hearing aid, so i'm most certain. About 3 guys came up to her and started talking in spanish, and she made me chuckle by demonstrating to me she lowering the volume to the piece in her ear that the guys couldn't see because she was facing across, and the open seat was facing forward, looking toward the city. She smiled at me when she got off midway and I gave her a nod, the kind of nod that says a thousand words, but most importantly, "I understand you. I feel you. Thank you, for being a friend, even if for a moment."
The older gay guy with gold hoops in his ears kept checking me out sitting right across from me. An tweaked out 1980's clothing inspired black man walked in the subway, and almost got eaten by the shutting train door. Every step he took had a certain beat and bounce to it, that in no way matched up to the music blasting in my ear. I heard the quiet whistle of Elle Driver, (my ringtone). I answer and it's Andrew, the guy who i've never talked to in my entire life, until today. I was heading up to the city to hang out, then later he'd drive back to long beach, because a band he knew of was playing some local dive bar. So i pick up, and he tells me he's at the public library, and I tell him i'm 15 minutes to arriving at 7th and flower. I hang up, but keep my phone in my hand. I'm observing this older mexican guy walk into the train, with a huge, aged, painted over and over again...Chello. The first thing that popped into my head was Dillon telling me how much he loved the Chello. And me saying how resonate the sound was, how deep and beautiful it was. It looked like the wood was breaking, and the paint that was covering the wood and somewhat holding it together was the same kind of paint you would fingerpaint with in like the 9th grade. It was kindof dream like seeing such an aged and broken down chello. Idk what it meant, if it meant anything. That dillon is the chello? Or that dillon is the sound of the chello, hitting so hard to your every bone inside. I gave up when "Word of your body" came up on my shuffle. End of the line.
Totally empty halls. Everyone went to catch the Red Line, but i went up the stairs. There was no one in the entire station. I lit up a cigarette when i was still inside, riding up two flights of escalators. I came to the very top and looked up at all the big buildings. It was dark, and you could see rain wanting to fall so badly. I get a call from A.
Where are you?
I'm here. 7th and flower.
I am too. I don't see you.
I see you. Turn around.
Just find me. Bye.
We embrace with a slight hug, and we get into his car, his rear view window hanging on by ducktape. I could definitely tell he was flustered. I think by the time we got back to his apartment, he smoked half a pack. We walked up to his doorstep, and i met his viola-davis looking neighbor. She was smoking, and i reached my hand out.
My you have a strong handshake. My hand about broke when you grabbed me...I swear boy, i havn't felt such a firm handshake like that in years. You must have a hold on life.
Fuck. I wish. I said that, but without the fuck. He opened the door and he had warned me that his cat would be terribly shy and hide from me the whole night, as it had done to all the other house guests. I find the fridge and grab a beer, and sit on the couch. The cat was warm with me, playing with the string on the wire and being curious to whatever feeling my auora gave off. The oscars, right about to start. He sits next to me on the couch while I comment on how gay Hugh jackman is. Like really, Super gay. Andrew's arm finds my left shoulder and as i'm talking to him, i feel his fingers going blind.
I mean, i knew you were cute, but i didn't know you were THIS Cute.
I laughed. I held his cheeks as i kissed him. By this time, Zac & Vanessa were singing Spring Musical Medley. Which i find stupid, because they didn't even sing that song in HSM3... they could of sang Right Here, or Can i have this Dance, or even the finale. His hands went across and through my white vneck while i tried to hold on my bottle of beer. He kissed me all over my neck, held my body so tightly to the couch and his touch just made me feel so beautiful, as if he didn't want to let me go. He sustained himself, and went to get a drink, but when he came back i stood up to get another beer, and he kissed me right infront of his bed and i threw the beer on the table as we fell into his bed. My arms were pinned down and he was kissing my neck and i couldn't stop him. He unbuttoned my pants, but we had to go. We just had to. I finished my beer, grabbed my phone and ipod and said goodbye to the cat, and departed to long beach.
We get to long beach. I see an old friend of a friend i used to be close with, and we drop off andrew's car and hop into his. I had another cigarette and just a little hit of tree. I call Kelsey, from A's phone, and let her know that i'm headed back to Long Beach, and that if i couldn't get into Que Sera, then i'd head over, because Cathy had texted me inviting me over to watch the oscars and drink. She stops me,
Wait a while, Did you ask Cathy if you can come over? We are watching the oscars and drinking, but i just think, I don't think she was boys over. Shouldn't you ask her before you decide to come over??.
She texted me, inviting me, fool, wtf are you trying to say? I've never made you, my fucking best friend feel unwanted. When i've gone to all boy parties or anywhere, i've never told you that you wern't wanted there.
I tell her i g2g and i get a a text saying to Call cathy. I call cathy and i let her know whats up that i still have my fake id, and if that didn't work, then i'd stop by and say hi. She was totally cool with that, and i ask her to give the phone to Kelsey, Thanks for making me feel like shit, fuck you. And then i hung up. I'm tired of people making me feel like shit. I'll forget what you tell me. I'll forget what you do to me. But i'll never forget how you made me feel. We get to Que Sera, and i'm freaking out because I don't think Eman's id is going to work. And i've had it for so long now, when i brought it out, the picture ID was no where to be found. I searched my entire wallet. ugh.
I'm sorry sir, i said to thedoorman, buzzed as fuck, I lost my ID and this is the only identification i have. My birthday 04/04/1987 is right here. (I'm so not an aries. LOL.) He let me in, but said
I'm not supposed to accept this. But tonight, i'm not going to stop you.
Nothing stopped me that night. I walked in and saw some band setting up and a light dimmly lighting up a pool table. I stood by the chalk while andrew and his friend played a game. He came up and just touched me so subtly. I had this d&g-esque picture in my head of me by the chalk board keeping score with a big piece of chalk, and andrew shooting a pool ball with chalk all over his ass and leg in hand prints. Hot huh? lol The band was about to start. I sat front row, because that's all there was, one front row across the entire bar. They played, Avi's band, and they were really good. They made me feel similiar to how arcade fire made feel, so i named them baby arcade fire. During their last song, the drummer, in all her awkward water polo manly body gave me a quick glance. I had this wierd sexy hot idea for a music video, a fantasy beat driven exploration of thought and imagination, where I would check out the drummer, and everyone would be oblivious to the fact that we were having a hot hot makeout session throughout the stage and bar and then we'd start getting into it, her curly hair everywhere with barely lit 80's or early 90's political statements on our bodies. But at the end, she'd give me an awkward look and i'd snap out of it. So they finished, and we went outside. I used to live right across from this bar. It was so wierd, being here. I hopped and skipped. I still saw Erin's 2009 scion TC. That son of a bitch liar. She's still living there. If you've read my previous entries, she's the long shoreman who took me in after I left Peter's apartment, and basically became the living devil after a series of dramatic events. I knocked on her door and ran. I think she knew it was me, because who else would do something like that? haha. I went over to the 5th and rose apartments that i used to feel so at home at. It's where i had my thanksgiving at, because my family really doesn't celebrate it. I told andrew to wait by the shed while i go check and see who's home. Usually there's a drinking party downstairs, or an intellectual conversation outside on the patio, cigarrettes mostly in everyone's hand. I go up and see Jason and Taylor. Two sick college kids...sick and sweaty in their pajamas in the middle of a hallway. They were happy to see me, but i was buzzed as fuck, and heard their life story then left knowing we couldn't come here and chill. I see andrew by the gate. Without a word he kissed me and threw me against the shed. Pinned against the shed i felt so turned on as he kissed my neck and i grabbed the right and left belt hoops and pulled him into me so hard. I pushed him away then pulled him towards me, but crashing toward the fence as well. He was pinned against the aluminum and he kissed me so hard. My pants came down as i could see cars passing, and then his pants came down, but that ended quick status when i had a sudden urgency to get back to civilization. We get back to the bar and listen to a horrible band playing. They sounded like New Found Glory and but all the fat white guys were dressed like Avril Lavringe... No kiddding. The miley cyrus inspired striped long socks and gloves and discolored hair and ties....oh the ties. When they were finished, i screamed, Hey! Can you play Sk8ter Boy? The whole bar got my joke and chuckled. We left, and headed back to get andrews' car. He took me home, and we started kissing. I debated coming over, but knowing i'd be hung over and having to be on a train at 6:30 am on a monday morning kind of made me want to stay. We tried going to LA, but every exit was closed, and the heater made me feel nauseous, so by the time we got back to my house, i said peace and stumbled into my house. Took unknown vitamins and drunk a whole bottle of water. Put on the paramore, and then passed the fuck out. Heh. :)
Woke up to the window guy wanting to get paid for the window, and fell back asleep. it was so cute, i made a call to the mexican restaurant ordering my grandparents food, and i put on Cadillac Records and my grandpa & Quammy were dancing in the livingroom. I then went to get food, and got followed by a cop for about 5 blocks. (I still have unpaid registration). He made a right, and my heart started to beat again. The waiter from the restaurant helped me carry out the four or 5 orders i had picked up, and brought it to my car. I felt kinda cute. haha. I watched the Reader, and started to really think about sex. of all the beautiful experiences i've had thus far. Like, Dillon. I'd send him recorded books if he couldn't read and was in prison for life. I really would. Destiny. *sigh. And then i watched Revolutionary Road and cried. I hate fighting. I hate confrontation. Im really good in an argument, but i'd rather avoid it. But the feelings when Kate winslet was screaming, just touched .
" So now I'm crazy because I don't love you, right? Is that the point?
No! Wrong! You're not crazy, and you do love me. That's the point, April.
But I don't. I hate you. You were just some boy who made me laugh at a party once, and now I loathe the sight of you. In fact, if you come any closer, if you touch me or anything, I think I'll scream.
....You're not worth the powder it would take to blow you up. You are an empty, empty, hollow shell of a woman. I mean, what the hell are you doing in my house if you hate me so much? Why the hell are you married to me? What the hell are you doing carrying my child? I mean, why didn't you just get rid of it when you had the chance? Because listen to me, listen to me, I got news for you - I wish to God that you had! "
.. It reminded me of an argument that me and d had once. Over me saying that when i dream of him i wake up and i feel depressed, and him questioning his role in my life and me telling him how much i cared for him and him saying why do you like me? A love song, i swear. .I had this wierd dream that this movie reminded me of too.. I couldn't get D out of me. Something inside of me was growing and when it came out of my soul, i fell in love with it. It was him. The boy i never remembered, but once hugged. He didn't have a father, but i had to explain to the kid that i was his father. It was really wierd, and i woke up and felt so ugly and displaced. He once said that it's up to me if he is a good decision or bad one. It's up to me how i feel about him, and what i do with it. I've just been hurt so much i don't know who the fuck to trust, you know? But it's in the past, and as of now, i'm moving, i'm moving on.
I also watched Bolt and it made me feel good because bolt is so cute and the cat made me crack up in the first scene it was in and i liked the hampster and the movie made me feel disney happy and i havn't been reminded of what it was like to live that happy-go-lucky fantasy in a long long time. Okay i'm out. It's late, and i feel wierd.
Picture of the Day: avi buffalo at que sera. beautiful set. (baby boy and girl arcade fire)
