theres a part i know well
as i sit here and reflect on what the fuck is going on in my life, i feel so in the dark. But, there is a part i can't tell, about that darkness i know well.
I worked the queen mary shipwreck this year and met some amazing people. But out of those people i was reconnected with someone who i used to know barely. I asked him out and we had the most amazing first date. I picked him up and we drove down to the movie theaters. The movie concierge was deserted and the overwhelming fog all around us made things so omnious. We ran inside before anyone could see us, and ran into the first movie that seemed appealing to us on that side of the theater. Max Payne is what we ran into and to sit there, in an empty movie theater with him, i felt so happy. He was explaining to me what the characters were, who they were, and the simliarities between the game and the movie.He was the first one to wish me a happy birthday on my birtday. But i guess the reality is, we need denial. After the movies we went back to my apartment, and we decorated the entire apartment. I never have decorated a christmas tree, nor put up christmas lights, so i was left in the dark for my nightmare before christmas themed party. I put on Across the Universe, and i just watched my living room transform, with beautiful colors and spider webs, and the lights on his face made me smile and for the first time in a long long time i felt at home. We lied down on my bed, his heart against mine, lips and tounge washed in and out, with the sounds of long beach in the background, i was his, and i felt so in touch. He stopped, and asked, what am i doing? without a second thought i replied, I don't what I'm doing either. He kissed me, and we made love that night. After, on the way home, i let him know that i need a friend more than anythign right now at this very moment. I need someone to talk to about anything, someone to be there for me, and someone to love. He let me know that this could never happen again, that what had happened wasn't a part of who he was, and so while my life would continue and so would his, i knew that from that moment things would be different. And they were, the farthest it ever went after that was at a halloween party with all those losers from high school who said the most stupidest things in the world (they were all rolling), at the party his leg touched mine, and he let it stay there, and i felt so reconnected. And i was so excited, because he invited me to hard festival, and we made plans, and everything was going to work out. Come the day before the rave, i find out that he isn't talking to the girl with the tickets bc he didn't feel like going, and i was embarressed bc he invited me +1, and i just felt so dumb, and what a sketchy thing for him to do. He warned me. He let me know how much of a terrible friend he is. He let me know that he lies and honestly i believe that he saw how much of a great time we had together, and that scared him, so much to distance himself from me to his girlfriend, so much to hurt me if okay, and i just wonder if he is as reminded of me as i am of him.
picture of the day
