(no subject)
i feel so much older than "soon to be 20"
it feels like just the other week that i was sitting in my child hood bedroom collecting rocks, baseball cards and god knows what else. funny. i don't really remember why i collected so many things. the was no objective. i just liked putting the baseball cards in order. i liked comparing the stats and creating multiple games out of the senseless numbers.
ryan and i used to anticipate every friday afternoon trip to the baseball card store. i can't remember what it was called. it was family run.
we would run in ... and carefully pick out packs, not for the want of having more cards, but for the want of having more stats to change our "games" around a little.
essentially what i THINK i'm trying to get at (because i don't really know ... i just started typing) is that i miss my brother ... i miss my childhood ... i miss giving a fuck what people thought of me.
some days when i look in the mirror all i see is a stubborn angsty half assed social rebel.
other days i see i tired old man ... gripping on to whatever definition of reality he's invented for himself on that particular day ... and sometimes ... sometimes i see a scared little kid breathing shallow and anxious from fear of everything.
it feels like just the other week that i was sitting in my child hood bedroom collecting rocks, baseball cards and god knows what else. funny. i don't really remember why i collected so many things. the was no objective. i just liked putting the baseball cards in order. i liked comparing the stats and creating multiple games out of the senseless numbers.
ryan and i used to anticipate every friday afternoon trip to the baseball card store. i can't remember what it was called. it was family run.
we would run in ... and carefully pick out packs, not for the want of having more cards, but for the want of having more stats to change our "games" around a little.
essentially what i THINK i'm trying to get at (because i don't really know ... i just started typing) is that i miss my brother ... i miss my childhood ... i miss giving a fuck what people thought of me.
some days when i look in the mirror all i see is a stubborn angsty half assed social rebel.
other days i see i tired old man ... gripping on to whatever definition of reality he's invented for himself on that particular day ... and sometimes ... sometimes i see a scared little kid breathing shallow and anxious from fear of everything.