Andy gives his hand a gentle squeeze, speaking slowly, “Only gay dudes want to bang Nicole Kidman.”
Semi-New Guys
Pairings: Samberg/Hader
Notes: Just the boys. Part 2 of the Samberg/Hader love. This has been brewing for forever and a lifetime.
It is Jorma who says something first. When they’d all first been hired, Andy couldn’t have imagined a more perfect scenario. His two best friends in the entire world and him all living this crazy dream together. It was almost too good to be true. He hadn’t factored in long hours and late nights and not seeing Jorma or Akiva because of conflicting schedules and skits to be written and that silly line of separation between “the writers” and “the cast.” “It gets better,” Tina tells him when she returns to the show, “The cast and the writers thing. We all really love each other.” Andy doesn’t doubt it; of course, it’s just different that’s all. He just misses the three of them and their private lonely island.
Thursday afternoon, Jorma comes up behind him while he’s pouring his eighth or ninth Sprite of the day. Bill is over in some corner talking to somebody Andy doesn’t recognize. A tech guy, maybe. He chuckles to himself. Bill needs to seriously loosen up.
“So.” Jorma says, walking around him as he talks like some sort of Cheshire cat, “You think if you look at him hard enough, you’ll just eye-fuck his clothes off?” He grins, letting his fingers flutter in the air until they’ve rested under his chin. He seriously looks like a mad scientist analyzing his latest project.
Andy sighs, sipping his soda, “I’m not eye-fucking, smartass.” He says, a hint of sarcasm tinges the truth, “I’m undressing with my eyes.”
Jorma raises his eyebrows and strokes his non-existent beard. Andy finishes his soda and crushes the Styrofoam cup against his friend’s forehead for good measure.
+
It is Andy’s idea for the four of them to hang out and so they do. They sit at bar and eat chicken wings and ignore the weird looks their table gets when Akiva asks the bartender to change the channel so he can catch Star Trek.
“My VCR broke last week.” He says, around a mouthful of celery, “Who knows how much I’ve missed?”
Bill nods like he understands but in actuality, he’s never felt more completely lost. It’s like the three of them speak their own special little language of weird that Bill couldn’t possibly hope to understand. If he’d thought Andy was quirky, he’d obviously never met Jorma or Akiva. He’s rapidly finding out random tidbits about Andy from this night that he doesn’t think would have had the opportunity to come up any other way. Andy apparently knows all the words to Ms. Jackson by Outkast. Andy’s got some kind of weird friendship with Keifer Sutherland. Andy’s parents are ridiculously liberal hippie stoner type Jews and Andy’s surprised he didn’t end up being named something like Starshine or Moonbeam.
“Like Frank Zappa’s kids.” He laughs, “Fucking Dweezil and Moonunit.”
Akiva shifts in his chair, laughing as he straightens his glasses on his nose, “What was the name of that chick you dated for like three years? She had a fucked up name.”
“Ladybug Sunflower,” Andy says, chuckling under his breath, “That was her real name. I called her Lady though.”
Bill takes a sip from his beer mug and tries to get back into the conversation, “You had a girlfriend?” He says, turning in towards Andy.
Andy’s light laughter continues, “I did.” He says, like he’s admitting to something dirty and unusual, “With breasts and everything.”
He turns in as well and when Bill catches his eyes, they are sparkling with the future of a million untold jokes.
+
When Andy asks him what’s wrong outside the bar and once Jorma and Akiva have headed off in search of a place to get Akiva’s VCR fixed, Bill decides he’d better just come out with it.
“Nothing.” He says, shoving his hands into his pockets, “I feel a little like Yoko Ono. That’s all.”
Andy rolls his head, “What?” He says, incredulously and speaking louder than he probably means to, “No. Bill, come on. I can’t believe you don’t get it. You’re not Yoko Ono. You’re not breaking up the band!” He laughs, throwing his hands up into the air, “Dude, you’re Ringo! You’re the cool, new addition! Akiva’s George and Jorma’s Paul and I’m John.” He counts off on his fingers before dropping his hands to look at Bill seriously for maybe the second time since they’ve known each other, “Don’t you see?” He says, “It all works out perfectly.”
Bill draws his lips together and silently berates himself for being so paranoid and stupid, “I wasn’t aware Ringo and John were sleeping together.” He jokes, briefly wondering if that was inappropriate for a first verbal acknowledgment of their relationship.
“Oh?” Andy says casually, “I don’t know. Nothing would surprise me.” He pauses, “Bill. Hey, you’re not an alien, are you? Because at this point, you’d be morally obligated to tell me if you were.”
Bill stares at him for a second before he slowly and honestly says, “I promise you I am not an alien.”
Andy’s shoulders slump, “Well good.” He says. He seems strangely relaxed, “Walk me back to the studio?” He says and Bill nods without hesitation.
+
When Andy goes to kiss him again outside Studio 8H, Bill pulls away and puts his hands on Andy’s shoulder successfully holding his lips away from his…lips, “No,” He says, “This is stupid. I hardly know anything about you.”
Andy leans back on his heels and takes a deep breath, shoving his hands into the pockets of his track jacket, “Okay, okay so ask me something.”
“Are you gay?” It slips out sounding more accusing than Bill means it to. After everything, he hopes to God that Andy knows he’s not going to be a prick about it.
In response, Andy grins full on, “Nope.”
Bill scrunches his eyebrows together, “So if Shannon Doherty wanted to fuck you, you’d say…?”
“Hell yes.” Andy nods, still grinning in that way that makes Bill’s skin flush, “I’d say hell yes.”
Bill thinks for a second, chewing on the end of his thumbnail, “So, okay.” He says, spitting it out onto the curb, “What are we then?”
Andy laughs, gesturing between them, “This isn’t a gay thing.” Bill raises his eyebrows as if to say “Oh really?” and Andy nods harder, “No, yeah. It’s a new guy thing.” Bill sighs. Whatever. He’s not even going to try and figure it out. Andy takes a step closer, ending up back into Bill’s personal space and looks down at his hands in front of him and then back at Bill’s face. “My turn. If you could have sex with any female in the world and me who would it be?”
Bill laughs lightly and Andy sees it form in the air more than hears it, “And you?” He repeats.
“Dude, yes.” Andy’s eyes bulge slightly from his head as if it’s the most obvious question in the world, “I’d have to be there. Moral support and whatever.”
Bill nods, “Right. Okay. Nicole Kidman.” He says and Andy cracks up laughing. “What?” He asks, confused by the outburst, “What?”
Andy smiles at him and wiggles his eyebrows taking back his place in Bill’s personal bubble of space, “Oh, you would like Nicole Kidman.” He says.
Bill frowns, “What’s wrong with Nicole Kidman?”
“Nothing,” Andy chuckles, reaching down and threading his fingers through Bill’s. Neither of them are wearing gloves but Bill simply hadn’t noticed how cold his fingers had been until now. “You might as well have said Cher.”
Bill’s frown grows on his face, “What?”
Andy gives his hand a gentle squeeze, speaking slowly, “Only gay dudes want to bang Nicole Kidman.”
Bill looks down at what Andy is looking down at. They’re holding stands outside the building and talking practically into each other’s mouths. Right, he thinks, not gay at all. “That makes no sense.” He says defensively, “Nicole Kidman is a beautiful woman.”
Andy breathes out sharply, “Whatever.” He says, “It’s a moot point since I wouldn’t bang her.”
Bill looks up at Andy’s face and is startled to find Andy looking back at him, “I thought we were talking about me.” He says and he hears it as an almost-whisper.
Andy, it seems, is moving closer, “Right,” He says and Bill is sure he’s whispering. They both are, “But since I’m part of this “hypothetical threesome” I think I should get veto rights.”
Bill blinks, “No.” He says, “No way. What happens when it’s your turn to pick the hypothetical girl and I veto her?”
“You wouldn’t veto my pick,” Andy flashes him a devious smile full of teeth and upper lip and Bill thinks he must be the only person crazy enough to find Coke stains on a tee-shirt beautiful, “Because my pick would be hot.”
Bill’s voice is still defensive but now he’s smiling, “Nicole Kidman is hot!” He says.
Andy scoffs, “Lukewarm at best.”
They stand in comfortable silence for a few moments before Bill gets the courage to look back and once again meet Andy’s eyes, “You’re gay because you don’t like Nicole Kidman.” He says and to him it almost sounds romantic.
Andy smiles back, never missing a beat, “And you’re gay because you do.” He says, squeezing Bill’s fingers with his own, “Want to find a closet or something and make out?”
It’s cold outside and Andy’s hand is warm and Andy’s shirt is covered in stains that Bill wants to personally Tide Bleach Pen out for him every day for the rest of their natural born lives. Okay. Maybe it’s more than a little gay. “…Yeah.” He says, grabbing for Andy’s other hand, “Yeah. Okay.”
Pairings: Samberg/Hader
Notes: Just the boys. Part 2 of the Samberg/Hader love. This has been brewing for forever and a lifetime.
It is Jorma who says something first. When they’d all first been hired, Andy couldn’t have imagined a more perfect scenario. His two best friends in the entire world and him all living this crazy dream together. It was almost too good to be true. He hadn’t factored in long hours and late nights and not seeing Jorma or Akiva because of conflicting schedules and skits to be written and that silly line of separation between “the writers” and “the cast.” “It gets better,” Tina tells him when she returns to the show, “The cast and the writers thing. We all really love each other.” Andy doesn’t doubt it; of course, it’s just different that’s all. He just misses the three of them and their private lonely island.
Thursday afternoon, Jorma comes up behind him while he’s pouring his eighth or ninth Sprite of the day. Bill is over in some corner talking to somebody Andy doesn’t recognize. A tech guy, maybe. He chuckles to himself. Bill needs to seriously loosen up.
“So.” Jorma says, walking around him as he talks like some sort of Cheshire cat, “You think if you look at him hard enough, you’ll just eye-fuck his clothes off?” He grins, letting his fingers flutter in the air until they’ve rested under his chin. He seriously looks like a mad scientist analyzing his latest project.
Andy sighs, sipping his soda, “I’m not eye-fucking, smartass.” He says, a hint of sarcasm tinges the truth, “I’m undressing with my eyes.”
Jorma raises his eyebrows and strokes his non-existent beard. Andy finishes his soda and crushes the Styrofoam cup against his friend’s forehead for good measure.
+
It is Andy’s idea for the four of them to hang out and so they do. They sit at bar and eat chicken wings and ignore the weird looks their table gets when Akiva asks the bartender to change the channel so he can catch Star Trek.
“My VCR broke last week.” He says, around a mouthful of celery, “Who knows how much I’ve missed?”
Bill nods like he understands but in actuality, he’s never felt more completely lost. It’s like the three of them speak their own special little language of weird that Bill couldn’t possibly hope to understand. If he’d thought Andy was quirky, he’d obviously never met Jorma or Akiva. He’s rapidly finding out random tidbits about Andy from this night that he doesn’t think would have had the opportunity to come up any other way. Andy apparently knows all the words to Ms. Jackson by Outkast. Andy’s got some kind of weird friendship with Keifer Sutherland. Andy’s parents are ridiculously liberal hippie stoner type Jews and Andy’s surprised he didn’t end up being named something like Starshine or Moonbeam.
“Like Frank Zappa’s kids.” He laughs, “Fucking Dweezil and Moonunit.”
Akiva shifts in his chair, laughing as he straightens his glasses on his nose, “What was the name of that chick you dated for like three years? She had a fucked up name.”
“Ladybug Sunflower,” Andy says, chuckling under his breath, “That was her real name. I called her Lady though.”
Bill takes a sip from his beer mug and tries to get back into the conversation, “You had a girlfriend?” He says, turning in towards Andy.
Andy’s light laughter continues, “I did.” He says, like he’s admitting to something dirty and unusual, “With breasts and everything.”
He turns in as well and when Bill catches his eyes, they are sparkling with the future of a million untold jokes.
+
When Andy asks him what’s wrong outside the bar and once Jorma and Akiva have headed off in search of a place to get Akiva’s VCR fixed, Bill decides he’d better just come out with it.
“Nothing.” He says, shoving his hands into his pockets, “I feel a little like Yoko Ono. That’s all.”
Andy rolls his head, “What?” He says, incredulously and speaking louder than he probably means to, “No. Bill, come on. I can’t believe you don’t get it. You’re not Yoko Ono. You’re not breaking up the band!” He laughs, throwing his hands up into the air, “Dude, you’re Ringo! You’re the cool, new addition! Akiva’s George and Jorma’s Paul and I’m John.” He counts off on his fingers before dropping his hands to look at Bill seriously for maybe the second time since they’ve known each other, “Don’t you see?” He says, “It all works out perfectly.”
Bill draws his lips together and silently berates himself for being so paranoid and stupid, “I wasn’t aware Ringo and John were sleeping together.” He jokes, briefly wondering if that was inappropriate for a first verbal acknowledgment of their relationship.
“Oh?” Andy says casually, “I don’t know. Nothing would surprise me.” He pauses, “Bill. Hey, you’re not an alien, are you? Because at this point, you’d be morally obligated to tell me if you were.”
Bill stares at him for a second before he slowly and honestly says, “I promise you I am not an alien.”
Andy’s shoulders slump, “Well good.” He says. He seems strangely relaxed, “Walk me back to the studio?” He says and Bill nods without hesitation.
+
When Andy goes to kiss him again outside Studio 8H, Bill pulls away and puts his hands on Andy’s shoulder successfully holding his lips away from his…lips, “No,” He says, “This is stupid. I hardly know anything about you.”
Andy leans back on his heels and takes a deep breath, shoving his hands into the pockets of his track jacket, “Okay, okay so ask me something.”
“Are you gay?” It slips out sounding more accusing than Bill means it to. After everything, he hopes to God that Andy knows he’s not going to be a prick about it.
In response, Andy grins full on, “Nope.”
Bill scrunches his eyebrows together, “So if Shannon Doherty wanted to fuck you, you’d say…?”
“Hell yes.” Andy nods, still grinning in that way that makes Bill’s skin flush, “I’d say hell yes.”
Bill thinks for a second, chewing on the end of his thumbnail, “So, okay.” He says, spitting it out onto the curb, “What are we then?”
Andy laughs, gesturing between them, “This isn’t a gay thing.” Bill raises his eyebrows as if to say “Oh really?” and Andy nods harder, “No, yeah. It’s a new guy thing.” Bill sighs. Whatever. He’s not even going to try and figure it out. Andy takes a step closer, ending up back into Bill’s personal space and looks down at his hands in front of him and then back at Bill’s face. “My turn. If you could have sex with any female in the world and me who would it be?”
Bill laughs lightly and Andy sees it form in the air more than hears it, “And you?” He repeats.
“Dude, yes.” Andy’s eyes bulge slightly from his head as if it’s the most obvious question in the world, “I’d have to be there. Moral support and whatever.”
Bill nods, “Right. Okay. Nicole Kidman.” He says and Andy cracks up laughing. “What?” He asks, confused by the outburst, “What?”
Andy smiles at him and wiggles his eyebrows taking back his place in Bill’s personal bubble of space, “Oh, you would like Nicole Kidman.” He says.
Bill frowns, “What’s wrong with Nicole Kidman?”
“Nothing,” Andy chuckles, reaching down and threading his fingers through Bill’s. Neither of them are wearing gloves but Bill simply hadn’t noticed how cold his fingers had been until now. “You might as well have said Cher.”
Bill’s frown grows on his face, “What?”
Andy gives his hand a gentle squeeze, speaking slowly, “Only gay dudes want to bang Nicole Kidman.”
Bill looks down at what Andy is looking down at. They’re holding stands outside the building and talking practically into each other’s mouths. Right, he thinks, not gay at all. “That makes no sense.” He says defensively, “Nicole Kidman is a beautiful woman.”
Andy breathes out sharply, “Whatever.” He says, “It’s a moot point since I wouldn’t bang her.”
Bill looks up at Andy’s face and is startled to find Andy looking back at him, “I thought we were talking about me.” He says and he hears it as an almost-whisper.
Andy, it seems, is moving closer, “Right,” He says and Bill is sure he’s whispering. They both are, “But since I’m part of this “hypothetical threesome” I think I should get veto rights.”
Bill blinks, “No.” He says, “No way. What happens when it’s your turn to pick the hypothetical girl and I veto her?”
“You wouldn’t veto my pick,” Andy flashes him a devious smile full of teeth and upper lip and Bill thinks he must be the only person crazy enough to find Coke stains on a tee-shirt beautiful, “Because my pick would be hot.”
Bill’s voice is still defensive but now he’s smiling, “Nicole Kidman is hot!” He says.
Andy scoffs, “Lukewarm at best.”
They stand in comfortable silence for a few moments before Bill gets the courage to look back and once again meet Andy’s eyes, “You’re gay because you don’t like Nicole Kidman.” He says and to him it almost sounds romantic.
Andy smiles back, never missing a beat, “And you’re gay because you do.” He says, squeezing Bill’s fingers with his own, “Want to find a closet or something and make out?”
It’s cold outside and Andy’s hand is warm and Andy’s shirt is covered in stains that Bill wants to personally Tide Bleach Pen out for him every day for the rest of their natural born lives. Okay. Maybe it’s more than a little gay. “…Yeah.” He says, grabbing for Andy’s other hand, “Yeah. Okay.”