1 month
That is about all the time it took to wipe out any optimism for a future I had left. I've lost a swath of good friends, my mental health and mental health care are teetering on the edge, and my financial opportunities have been torpedoed, perhaps permanently.
My avenues for escape are dwindling, and I am feeling pushed to resign myself to a life of destitution and despair. Suicide is now a daily contemplation. Even if no action or intent exists to do so, thinking about a sudden end to my worldly concerns and existence with a dreamy sigh is every kind of red flag.
My doctors are color blind though. They actually downgraded my medication when I told them I needed something stronger or more effective. After I told them how many suicidal thoughts I had been having, they intentionally, with me telling them how bad an idea it was and how I did not want it, proscribed me a medication we already know does not work well for me.
I'm miserable. I don't feel alive, even when people tell me how much they love me. Anger, bitterness, resentment, viciousness...these all come to me many times more easily than love, contentment, relaxation...That is not normal for me. I feel like the only way to get the care I need is to do something revoltingly stupid and irresponsible.
I'm resolved not to do so, regardless of the immense temptation...I just hope my resolve continues to trump my desperation.
In all of this, I feel worst for those who are standing by me, supporting me, and loving me. Those feelings can barely touch me right now, and the effect is highly finite. It is unfair to them, but I do not know how to fix any of this. I wish I did. I wish I was functional. I wish so many things...
My avenues for escape are dwindling, and I am feeling pushed to resign myself to a life of destitution and despair. Suicide is now a daily contemplation. Even if no action or intent exists to do so, thinking about a sudden end to my worldly concerns and existence with a dreamy sigh is every kind of red flag.
My doctors are color blind though. They actually downgraded my medication when I told them I needed something stronger or more effective. After I told them how many suicidal thoughts I had been having, they intentionally, with me telling them how bad an idea it was and how I did not want it, proscribed me a medication we already know does not work well for me.
I'm miserable. I don't feel alive, even when people tell me how much they love me. Anger, bitterness, resentment, viciousness...these all come to me many times more easily than love, contentment, relaxation...That is not normal for me. I feel like the only way to get the care I need is to do something revoltingly stupid and irresponsible.
I'm resolved not to do so, regardless of the immense temptation...I just hope my resolve continues to trump my desperation.
In all of this, I feel worst for those who are standing by me, supporting me, and loving me. Those feelings can barely touch me right now, and the effect is highly finite. It is unfair to them, but I do not know how to fix any of this. I wish I did. I wish I was functional. I wish so many things...