(no subject)
I was looking through Dustin's livejournal and came across this entry;
May 20th, 2004
"i'm afraid.
it's no longer confusing it's just bad
trying so hard is something thats not worth doing it doesnt work i cant help a situation i have realized that in a huge way, trying for soemthing or some one you care about doesnt work i thought this was suppossed to be good, i'm losing all my friends and it's partly my fault, i wish they would get off drugs it really messes a person up, ihave ruined so many things for myself with drugs that it's not even explainable they cant see it but it really is messing them up too, and hurts me so much, i dont know if its the reaction from comming off of drugs that ive been on for so long that is making everything hightened and so difficult, i thought this is supposed to make my life better i have to stick with it though because i cant turn back to the thing i regret the most, the thing that hurt me forever, there used to be an escape, my friends; going out with them talking with them being with them, but i'm afraid that the only escape i will have is to be alone. there were things i lived for things i said would payoff in the end and would be the things that would make me happy and be worth the effort to keep going. they are dissapating and i fear they will all be lost if even one thing could work its self out and i had one thing to hold onto..it feels like everything ive worked for and i hold dear is going to crumble in my hands i want the ones i care about to care for me the same way i dont know if thats selfish but i'm sorry thats how i feel becasue i have no one to turn to and no one to hold me, i am trying to support so many its just so fucking tough. i'm sorry i ruin everything. i'm sorry i fucking tried. i'm sorry i'm fucking alive
maybe it would be good if no one had to deal with me ya thats probably the right thing so i cant ruin things and i can just be alnoe and it would just be ok becasue i wouldnt be another thing to deal with
this is my one and only life, what have i done
i dont know whats wrong with me!"
And then there's this one...
April 16th, 2004.
"i like how i feel like dying and how i'm a mopy bitch and am dragging everyone down; being a complete asshole (i used the fucking semi colon right), and how i want to do something with my life so i can no longer be looked at as a waste and a failure by anybody, i like how i have this weird feeling but i dont know if it will go anywhere for usually my ambitions go no where, i hope this one works out, i just want to be a good journalist, musician, and friend. i want to make it in the world of Journalism, i want to go to school and actually learn something for once and to take it beyond the classroom and be succesful, i want to play music for the rest of my life and to always be a part of that, i have had one dream since 4th grade and thats to be in a band that made it i want to fulfill my dream, but right now i dont really care as long as i am no longer a junkie and a burn out, and i no longer am just in it for my own satisfation but to show the world who i am and that i am not just someones else, i want to love, i want to be loved, and i want to suppport a family one day, i want to teach someone, my kids, and make a difference in young peoples minds when i get older, i am so eshausted, yesterday i went to bed at about 545pm and i was going to go to bed at about 8pm today, but i decided to be sociable, cuz i try really hard to be now a days, so i watched a movie with my parents , becasue i try to be normal and energized, and sometimes i am, i really am, i dont want to waste anytime any more, i have done enough of that already in my life way too much so i am ready to do this and i am ready to make the change please help me i'm exhausted"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't April 16th the day he went missing? :[
I wish I would have been there for him more often.
May 20th, 2004
"i'm afraid.
it's no longer confusing it's just bad
trying so hard is something thats not worth doing it doesnt work i cant help a situation i have realized that in a huge way, trying for soemthing or some one you care about doesnt work i thought this was suppossed to be good, i'm losing all my friends and it's partly my fault, i wish they would get off drugs it really messes a person up, ihave ruined so many things for myself with drugs that it's not even explainable they cant see it but it really is messing them up too, and hurts me so much, i dont know if its the reaction from comming off of drugs that ive been on for so long that is making everything hightened and so difficult, i thought this is supposed to make my life better i have to stick with it though because i cant turn back to the thing i regret the most, the thing that hurt me forever, there used to be an escape, my friends; going out with them talking with them being with them, but i'm afraid that the only escape i will have is to be alone. there were things i lived for things i said would payoff in the end and would be the things that would make me happy and be worth the effort to keep going. they are dissapating and i fear they will all be lost if even one thing could work its self out and i had one thing to hold onto..it feels like everything ive worked for and i hold dear is going to crumble in my hands i want the ones i care about to care for me the same way i dont know if thats selfish but i'm sorry thats how i feel becasue i have no one to turn to and no one to hold me, i am trying to support so many its just so fucking tough. i'm sorry i ruin everything. i'm sorry i fucking tried. i'm sorry i'm fucking alive
maybe it would be good if no one had to deal with me ya thats probably the right thing so i cant ruin things and i can just be alnoe and it would just be ok becasue i wouldnt be another thing to deal with
this is my one and only life, what have i done
i dont know whats wrong with me!"
And then there's this one...
April 16th, 2004.
"i like how i feel like dying and how i'm a mopy bitch and am dragging everyone down; being a complete asshole (i used the fucking semi colon right), and how i want to do something with my life so i can no longer be looked at as a waste and a failure by anybody, i like how i have this weird feeling but i dont know if it will go anywhere for usually my ambitions go no where, i hope this one works out, i just want to be a good journalist, musician, and friend. i want to make it in the world of Journalism, i want to go to school and actually learn something for once and to take it beyond the classroom and be succesful, i want to play music for the rest of my life and to always be a part of that, i have had one dream since 4th grade and thats to be in a band that made it i want to fulfill my dream, but right now i dont really care as long as i am no longer a junkie and a burn out, and i no longer am just in it for my own satisfation but to show the world who i am and that i am not just someones else, i want to love, i want to be loved, and i want to suppport a family one day, i want to teach someone, my kids, and make a difference in young peoples minds when i get older, i am so eshausted, yesterday i went to bed at about 545pm and i was going to go to bed at about 8pm today, but i decided to be sociable, cuz i try really hard to be now a days, so i watched a movie with my parents , becasue i try to be normal and energized, and sometimes i am, i really am, i dont want to waste anytime any more, i have done enough of that already in my life way too much so i am ready to do this and i am ready to make the change please help me i'm exhausted"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't April 16th the day he went missing? :[
I wish I would have been there for him more often.