Happiness is...
...finding out that actual homophobe Orson Scott Card's terrible, terrible version of Iron Man for the Ultimate universe has been retconned to be an in-universe licensed cartoon that everybody involved finds stupid and unrealistic.
There are all kinds of reasons that I don't like Orson Scott Card being involved with the Marvel Universe (any Marvel Universe), but even his politics (I won't say "personal politics" because that makes it sound like he's playing alone in his own sandbox, not hurting anyone) aside, the man clearly had no understanding of comic books, superheroes, or the character he was hired to write about.
Now, this is all from memory because there was no way I was going to pay to own an Orson Scott Card comic and once I'd read it once there would never be a reason to read it again. So I might be off on a few finer points, but the broadstrokes are all there.
First thing he does is basically say that Tony Stark being able to build the things he does (in or out of a cave, with or without a box of scraps) is unrealistic, unbelievable. There has to be a reason. There has to be an origin story for Tony before we get to the origin story for Iron Man. This ignores the fact that Tony Stark is not the most brilliant or unrealistic "super gadgeteer" in the Marvel Universe. So, again: the man has no understanding of the medium or universe he was working in.
So the backstory: Tony's parents were working on a regeneration treatment, to cure damaged limbs. They notice that brain tissue regenerates in a way that the rest of the body doesn't. (What?) So they figure out a way to make a human body that's basically entirely made out of brain tissue. (What what?) And because of convoluted and contrived reasons, they end up testing the formula on their own infant son (Of course.)
So now we have Tony Stark, the invincible Iron Man... who is physically functionally immortal. Any injury to his limbs or body instantly heals, because his whole body is brain tissue (this is why doctors recommend trying to land on your head if you fall, of course.)
Again: the man who will eventually design a force field-projecting suit of powered armor from some of the most advanced alloys on earth is immune to physical harm.
But he's in constant pain, because of all those nerve endings. You know how the brain totally has nerve endings that register pain? Well, it actually doesn't, but Tony Stark's brain-arms do. Because Orson Scott Card's not done yet. He needs to give Tony's parents a reason to invent a synthetic skin that covers his body like an invisible suit of armor, that protects his immortal entropy-reversing,conservation-defying superpowered body from the world.
(Not that I have a problem with superpowers that defy these things. But remember, kids: his goal was to make Iron Man more realistic and less comic-booky.)
Now let's pause a moment. We now have a superpowered Tony Stark who is invincible (regeneration) and covered with an armor shell (like a man of iron). If this were some alternate universe reimagining of the Invincible Iron Man, something like DC did with their Tanget Comics imprint (a universe where creators started with the name of a DC character and imagined a new character, based not on the original character but only what the name made them think of), this would have been a great stopping point. I wouldn't like OSC and I wouldn't approve of Marvel giving him a job, but I couldn't say he'd done it poorly.
But no. He's just getting started. At this point, he's created a Tony Stark he can believe in, and it's time to invent the armor. He takes a different route than the one we're familiar with, unless we're familiar with the works of Orson Scott Card because this route involves a special military-run school for genius children that has a pint sized sociopath trying to kill our hero.
Credit where credit is due: one of his attempts at "realism" that goes better than Stoneskin Salamander Stark (comes with everything you see here! Dolls do not walk or talk.) is having Tony design a moderate-sized mecha prototype version of the Iron Man, with the reasoning that the miniaturization necessary to make a man-sized suit of armor would be one of the trickier parts. Notable, most adaptations (including the movie) since then have used a version of this, making the cave version more of a walking tank than a suit. But, anyway, despite the different route, the final result is the same. You'd look at it and know you were looking at Iron Man.
And so we end up with an Iron Man who is mostly recognizable as a version of the same character we know from the 616 universe (or that even more of us know from the cinematic universe)... but inside, he's absolutely the last man on earth who needs a suit of armor.
I'd say that this was clearly the story that Orson Scott Card was least suitable to write, but since I know what he did to Hamlet, I can't say that. Dunning-Kruger effect in full swing, clearly.
This entry automatically cross-posted from http://alexandraerin.dreamwidth.org/379219.html. Comment hither or thither. Void where yon.
There are all kinds of reasons that I don't like Orson Scott Card being involved with the Marvel Universe (any Marvel Universe), but even his politics (I won't say "personal politics" because that makes it sound like he's playing alone in his own sandbox, not hurting anyone) aside, the man clearly had no understanding of comic books, superheroes, or the character he was hired to write about.
Now, this is all from memory because there was no way I was going to pay to own an Orson Scott Card comic and once I'd read it once there would never be a reason to read it again. So I might be off on a few finer points, but the broadstrokes are all there.
First thing he does is basically say that Tony Stark being able to build the things he does (in or out of a cave, with or without a box of scraps) is unrealistic, unbelievable. There has to be a reason. There has to be an origin story for Tony before we get to the origin story for Iron Man. This ignores the fact that Tony Stark is not the most brilliant or unrealistic "super gadgeteer" in the Marvel Universe. So, again: the man has no understanding of the medium or universe he was working in.
So the backstory: Tony's parents were working on a regeneration treatment, to cure damaged limbs. They notice that brain tissue regenerates in a way that the rest of the body doesn't. (What?) So they figure out a way to make a human body that's basically entirely made out of brain tissue. (What what?) And because of convoluted and contrived reasons, they end up testing the formula on their own infant son (Of course.)
So now we have Tony Stark, the invincible Iron Man... who is physically functionally immortal. Any injury to his limbs or body instantly heals, because his whole body is brain tissue (this is why doctors recommend trying to land on your head if you fall, of course.)
Again: the man who will eventually design a force field-projecting suit of powered armor from some of the most advanced alloys on earth is immune to physical harm.
But he's in constant pain, because of all those nerve endings. You know how the brain totally has nerve endings that register pain? Well, it actually doesn't, but Tony Stark's brain-arms do. Because Orson Scott Card's not done yet. He needs to give Tony's parents a reason to invent a synthetic skin that covers his body like an invisible suit of armor, that protects his immortal entropy-reversing,conservation-defying superpowered body from the world.
(Not that I have a problem with superpowers that defy these things. But remember, kids: his goal was to make Iron Man more realistic and less comic-booky.)
Now let's pause a moment. We now have a superpowered Tony Stark who is invincible (regeneration) and covered with an armor shell (like a man of iron). If this were some alternate universe reimagining of the Invincible Iron Man, something like DC did with their Tanget Comics imprint (a universe where creators started with the name of a DC character and imagined a new character, based not on the original character but only what the name made them think of), this would have been a great stopping point. I wouldn't like OSC and I wouldn't approve of Marvel giving him a job, but I couldn't say he'd done it poorly.
But no. He's just getting started. At this point, he's created a Tony Stark he can believe in, and it's time to invent the armor. He takes a different route than the one we're familiar with, unless we're familiar with the works of Orson Scott Card because this route involves a special military-run school for genius children that has a pint sized sociopath trying to kill our hero.
Credit where credit is due: one of his attempts at "realism" that goes better than Stoneskin Salamander Stark (comes with everything you see here! Dolls do not walk or talk.) is having Tony design a moderate-sized mecha prototype version of the Iron Man, with the reasoning that the miniaturization necessary to make a man-sized suit of armor would be one of the trickier parts. Notable, most adaptations (including the movie) since then have used a version of this, making the cave version more of a walking tank than a suit. But, anyway, despite the different route, the final result is the same. You'd look at it and know you were looking at Iron Man.
And so we end up with an Iron Man who is mostly recognizable as a version of the same character we know from the 616 universe (or that even more of us know from the cinematic universe)... but inside, he's absolutely the last man on earth who needs a suit of armor.
I'd say that this was clearly the story that Orson Scott Card was least suitable to write, but since I know what he did to Hamlet, I can't say that. Dunning-Kruger effect in full swing, clearly.
This entry automatically cross-posted from http://alexandraerin.dreamwidth.org/379219.html. Comment hither or thither. Void where yon.