*grrrr*
First things first... I was tagged by Jamelet and Becky to do that song thing, so here it is.
- "Incomplete" by Backstreet Boys
- "Just A Lil Bit" by 50 Cent
- "Oh" by Ciara feat. Ludacris
- "Ass Like That" by Eminem
- "She's No You" by Jesse McCartney
And pretty much everyone I know has been tagged to do this already, so I'll just leave that part out.
So I'm irritated. I'm frustrated. I'm downright pissed. And I think everyone knows what about. I said something that I guess I shouldn't have. I didn't mean anything by it. Since I've talked with some people about it, I realize I mixed up the meanings of some terms. But when I say I'm sorry for doing something and the person I apologized to tells me "No, you're not"... it really pisses me off. I wouldn't apologize for doing something if I wasn't sorry for doing it. I realize I've been through this with this person before and I admit I messed up. But I wasn't aware that just mentioning someone's name in a conversation would make this person upset. Even if I say that I think he's talented or that he looked good in a video or sounds good in a song, this person gets all upset and bothered over it. I was never told that if I join a group I would never be "allowed" to mention someone's name again.
And okay, I get it. You "claimed" this person. But I don't think that it's fair that I can't even say this person's name without you getting upset! Like I said above, I realize what I said last night was wrong, and if I would've known the meaning of the terms of what I was saying, I never would've said it. But getting mad everytime I say his name... to me, that is a little overboard. Me giving him a compliment, saying he is talented.... that, since he is "yours", should feel like a compliment to you, not a threat or insult. When you tell me I "better shut up if I wanna chat" just for saying that he sounded good in a song, it makes me feel like I'm being punished for expressing my opinion, and I don't appreciate that. I wasn't told I could never mention him again... I was just told that he was yours in the chats and all. I was never told I couldn't say anything about him, no matter how miniscule. And I'm sorry, but that's how I feel I'm being treated.
I'm new to this group. I don't know all your "rules" or whatever. And so sometimes I mess up. Please don't think I'm doing it on purpose. Why would I intentionally want to make anyone mad? That doesn't make sense.
So what I'm getting to is... I don't know if I want to be in the TO chat anymore. I enjoy being a part of it, but there are so many things about it that also make me angry.
First of all, I want to thank everyone for welcoming me like they did. You didn't all have to be so nice to me-- I realize that. I am still very thankful for how you all treated me. But it seems now that only one person is still welcoming me, or at least that's how I feel. (You know who you are. Thank you.) I'm not saying anyone is rude to me--that's not the case at all, so please don't feel that way.
Another thing is I really don't feel like I belong. Yall have been friends for so long... and I feel like, even though I was invited to be a part of this group, that I am intruding in some way. Maybe it's just me being paranoid; maybe that's how yall feel too. I dunno how to explain it... you all have so many "things" and inside jokes... and have you ever been around a group of friends or a few people that are constantly laughing about things that you have no idea about? You'll ask them what's so funny, and they're like "Oh nothing, just kinda an inside joke thing." If you've ever been in this situation, you know how uncomfortable and awkward it makes you feel. And that's how I feel most of the time. And yall also have the apartment chat, which I'm not a part of, which also makes me feel left out sometimes. I understand that it's something yall do, and I'm not trying to intrude. I'm just letting you know how I feel.
I also feel like I can't be myself. For those of you that don't know me that well, I am a very cynical and sarcastic person. That's the kind of sense of humor I have. If you ever think I'm being rude... 99.9% of the time, I can guarantee you I'm just joking. I would never be rude on purpose. That's just how people are here, where I'm from. All of you are native Northerners, and maybe your senses of humor are different from ours down South. Sarcasm is a big thing here in Louisiana culture, so that's just how I am. That's how almost all of us are here.
Don't get me wrong-- I love being a part of the TO. I don't want to quit. And I definitely don't want to lose any of the friendships I've developed with any of you. But I just wanted to let everyone know where I'm coming from. I've been holding this in for a long time, and I just had to let you all know my side of the story.