Life as of now.
It is only when the silence becomes oppressive that I notice the weight of feeling alone. Make no mistake, lonely and alone are vastly different. I had one of the best Fridays I have had in a while last week. My old friend who just moved back to Seattle and I jaunted about all afternoon. We walked around downtown, had dinner, got coffee, and went to see a movie. I didn't return to my apartment until midnight and even though I was exhausted I couldn't help but wonder when the last time I had that kind of fun with another person had been. I didn't necessarily have the time to spare or the money with school and work, but I was out all day anyway. I think I get too caught up in the harried pace of everyday. Real loneliness I don't think is limited to when you are alone. I don't necessarily feel lonely, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to return to my apartment and have someone there.
My parents suddenly tried to plan a trip to come over with my sister at the beginning of November but decided that since my sister was staying with a friend (which is her reason for coming over anyway) that they would just stay with me for the duration of the weekend. Friday, Saturday, and a Sunday night is my tiny studio with my parents. Oh, that sounds lovely. I think they severely overestimate the size of my apartment. I understand the want to save the money you would spend on a hotel but I am in school and my boss already informed me I probably wouldn't be able to have that weekend off. When my Dad stayed here by himself when he visited that was already more than enough bodies in my room. Both of my parents? Just, no. They just called and said they aren't going to come anymore, this makes me sad but at the same time not quite. I haven't seen my parents for months and I guess I won't be seeing them until January. That's okay.
My brother lost his job. He came over to Seattle with a friend a about a week ago. My brother and I are so different it is almost painful. He just feels too much. We are out to lunch and he starts crying because his everyday is so slow now that he doesn't have anything to do when he gets up. I want to hit him sometimes. If he was busy, then he would complain about being busy. I wonder sometimes if he has any idea how much I have to do in a day. I like being busy, but sometimes I really wish I could sit and do nothing for an extended period. I also don't understand why both my brother and sister keep friends that obviously aren't worth the effort. How much pain does one person have to cause you before you finally get rid of them? Oh well. Maybe I am the only person who thinks life is too short and precious to waste time on people who aren't worth it.
I am sorry I have been busy but that is truly the heart of the matter; I am busy. I have a paper to write today actually and an outline and two tests for this week that I need to get going on. I will try to post bits of my life more regularly, I think it helps me think.