There's Nothing Like You and I, Baby [Part Three] (Suho/Kai)
Everything was different, yet somehow not all that much. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. A bit relieved, a bit disappointed. Kyungsoo and I roomed together, and Jongdae who lost a bet between him and Chanyeol and Baekhyun, was rooming with a Kim Minseok.
I got the lucky end of the stick, he’d say afterwards, growing close with his roommate.
Excuse you, Baekhyun and Chanyeol would say, hearing him, laughing, feigning annoyance.
Joonmyun started at a university much further from here, and though Jongdae would swear high and low that it didn’t happen, he cried when Joonmyun left.
Sehun was about twenty minutes away, so it’s not like we really got a chance to miss him, especially since he insisted on skyping nearly every day. Dear lord, Kyungsoo would grumble into his books every time the computer went off. He’d never miss a session though.
One day, a few months since the start, while skyping with Sehun, he seemed preoccupied. Not really thinking anything of it, this was a new ball game after all; I continued complaining about Jongdae, Kyungsoo throwing in some extra insults every now and then too.
“I mean, come on. He’s twenty already, but he’s still acting like-”
“An imbecile.”
“- a giant man child, with too much time on his hands, where does he even have the time to-”
“I kissed Sunyoung.”
“- play pra-oh.”
“Well, Sehunnie, great to see you’re all grown up, acting like an adult.” Kyungsoo said, not missing a beat.
There was a bit of silence, and looking at Kyungsoo, “you knew?” I asked, annoyed at being kept out of the loop.
“Yeah. Seungsoo attends the same place as Sehun does, remember? He told me Sehun was mumbling and stumbling through a drunken confession, like an idiot-”
“Hey!”
“- when Sunyoung took pity on him, and kissed him. So, actually, Sunyoung kissed him. He didn’t kiss her.”
“I kissed her again afterwards!” Sehun yelled, ears and face bright.
“Ah. Well done.” I said, resting my chin on my hands, grinning.
“Well done Sehun-chi.” Kyungsoo joined in, mimicking my pose.
“Uh... I guess...-wait! This isn’t Love Com!” he yelled, still getting red somehow.
We laughed. “That’s really great Sehun. We’re happy for you.” I said, smiling sincerely.
He smiled, looking relieved and happy, in a way I’ve never really seen him before. But beneath all that, I could see a different kind of worry in his eyes.
“Sehun.” Kyungsoo said.
“Yeah?”
“Are you worrying about useless things again?” he asked, leaning back.
Sehun looked down, exhaling softly. “It’s not fair, is all.” He whispered.
I smiled softly, “It’s not.” I said, “But it’s not the end of the world, either.”
He smiled, “Yeah.”
“It’ll be fine. We have you after all.” Kyungsoo said, smiling widely, lips stretching to reveal his teeth.
The rest of the night was filled with Sehun’s gushing, ears red, and cheeks flushed brightly. He seemed feverish with how happy he was, occasionally burying his hands in hair and pulling, and burying his face in his arms. And I honestly was happy for him. I loved seeing him like this, eyes crescents, cheeks pink, and smiling widely.
Of course, being happy for him doesn’t stop me from thinking about things I’d rather not. And feeling Kyungsoo’s hand squeezing mine, I smiled, and tuned back to Sehun’s rambling about Sunyoung’s pretty eyes, and the way she smiles and she’s just so kind--
I’ll be okay. We all will.
Sometimes, you get these days where you’re just kind of sad, without notice or reason. Everything seems to want to bring you to tears. And thinking about things you don’t really want to. Thoughts you’d rather avoid for the rest of your life.
Feeling out of it, like I didn’t really want to be anywhere, I found myself flipping to an empty page in a spare notebook.
I’m not sure there’s really anything wrong, nothing happened.
But I just feel a little sad today.
Snorting and feeling altogether pathetic, I forced myself into a pair of shoes, and made my way to a coffee shop. Not really paying attention to anything, I stood in line, staring blindly at the menu, even though I always took the same thing, not being much of a fan of either coffee or tea.
“Next!” I heard, and looked towards the cash register, and noticed the grumbling around me. Flushing slightly, I made my way to order, noticing the cashier, and being vaguely reminded of Sehun, just much prettier.
“Hi,” he said, smiling, really very pretty, “your order?”
“Uh... yeah. I’d like a white chocolate mocha frappucino, venti, please.”
“Sure. Coming up.” He said, writing my order on the cup.
“Name?”
“Jongin.”
“Okay, thank you.” he said, after telling me the total.
After paying, I stood to the side, still not really paying attention. Shifting from foot to foot, I looked around the cafe, without really seeing anything, and sighed.
[I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love.]
I laughed. Today was a terrible day.
[I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love.]
I glared at the carpet, scuffing it with my shoe, and forced myself to stop, annoyed. Since when do I scuff my shoes like a kid?
[Didn’t I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won’t last
Didn’t I give you
All that I’ve got to give baby]
I felt bitter, finding myself mouthing to the song, as if it didn’t bring about the things it did.
I exhaled harshly through my nose, not wanting to feel like this. Not wanting a song to be able to do this to me.
“Are you okay?” I heard distantly, and looking up, I saw the cashier looking at me worriedly. Or barista? Is he called the cashier or the barista?
“Barista.” He laughed.
Realizing I’d spoken out loud, I groaned feeling my tell tale blush burn its way across my ears.
He laughed again. “It’s okay. I don’t mind.” He said, making as if to hand me my coffee, and seemingly reconsidering. “Are you okay?” He asked again.
Smiling slightly, and feeling a little guilty at the sincerity in his eyes, I tried answering at least a little truthfully. “I’m fine. I just- I hate this song. I didn’t always hate-um. I just. I don’t like this song. It brings back things I don’t want to remember.” I said.
Things I can’t remember, I thought.
“Oh.” He said, looking surprised at my honesty, and I was, too. “That’s sad.” He said, the honesty written in his eyes. “It’s sad, when something beautiful, something that you used to be okay with, becomes a sad memory. Or something that brings you pain.” He said, a sad curve to his mouth.
Pursing his lips while looking down at the cup, he looked up and smiled at me, sticking out his hand. “My name’s Luhan.”
“Oh. I’m Jongin.”
“I know. You said, at the beginning. But you look so out of it, so I didn’t think you caught my name tag. It’s Luhan.” He said, laughing slightly.
I laughed softly. He smiled, happy with my reaction. Handing me my coffee, he looked hesitant again.
“Um-do you maybe want to exchange numbers? We can talk? Or maybe have lunch. Or coffee!” he said, mouthing working between pursing and smiling, looking like he didn’t know what to do. Oh, nervous. He was nervous.
I laughed again. He looked surprised, eyes wide. “Sure.” I said, sounding more calm and confident than I knew I actually was.
He grinned brightly, handing me his phone.
I noticed someone standing behind him, looking stern, and I had to suppress a laugh. After handing back his phone, leaning a little closer, and dropping my voice lower, “I think your boss isn’t so pleased right now.”
His head snapped up at me, and around, and an almost inaudible shit, he tucked his phone back in his apron and sent me a small wave. He bowed once to the manager, and made his way to the cashier again.
Making my way to the exit, I turned to look at him. He was helping a customer, but as if he felt my staring, he looked up. And catching my eyes, he smiled. I smiled back.
I didn’t have any expectations, I thought, but I was a bit happy when I got a text from him.
Hi. Luhan here. And a smiley emoticon.
And somewhere, in the back of my mind, it played on.
[This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love.]-
“Why do people have to be this lonely? What’s the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?”
- Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart
Our second year brought about a flurry of activity; music festivals, dance competitions, Kyungsoo questioning his life choices several times, hard to meet deadlines, and miraculously... well, a miracle.
“Why am I a part of this, now again?” Kyungsoo asked, collapsing on his bed. With the upcoming music festival this week, preparations and all, Kyungsoo came home every day looking a lot like a character from the walking dead. I laughed, which got me a pillow to my head.
“Uncool.” I pouted, munching on slightly old Cheetos.
“Whatever.” Kyungsoo mumbled against his pillow, sighing as well.
I laughed, “Hey, at least Jongdae’s there. As much as a pain he is, he is kind of useful at times.” I said, trying to cheer him up.
“I guess.” Kyungsoo said. I waited, anticipating some insults to be thrown in with the agreement. All I got was another sigh though.
“Hey,” I said, getting up, and sitting next to him on the bed, running my fingers through his hair, “you okay?”
Another sigh, and then he lifted his head, smiled and then laid his head down again. “Tired. I’m just tired, is all. Byun Baekhyun. He asked me out.” He said, running his fingers along the patterns on his duvet.
Baekhyun? “Oh. Did you-”
“No. I didn’t. It’s pointlessly cruel to string people along.” He answered, already knowing what I’d ask, already having had this conversation a few times before.
I smothered the guilt I felt when I thought of Luhan. I wasn’t being insincere, though I know Kyungsoo didn’t mean it that way.
“You-don’t you want to... try?” I asked, glancing at him, before getting back to my own bed, glancing at the ceiling, this one also covered in stars.
“No.” He whispered.
Never getting the chance to have his soul mate, and never getting the chance to have Jongdae, I wondered why things were sometimes so unfair. Shutting that thought out, and pushing it away, I rolled onto my side.
Pointless thoughts will always be pointless in the end.
“What song are you performing anyway? You never told me.” I asked, a little while later.
“Is There Somewhere?” Kyungsoo replied, staring blindly at his music sheets.
“By Halsey?” A nod. “Oh. I didn’t think you’d choose that kind of song. It’s different from your usual taste. Or is that what you’re going for? Something different?” I asked.
“Not really.” He said on an exhale, eyes finally refocusing. Turning to look at me, eyes focused and determined. And something else-- “Did you ever... Did you ever hear a song that kind of gives you a flash of déjà vu?” he asked me earnestly.
Oh. That’s what it was. Fear.
Feeling a lump in my throat, I sat up, not really knowing what to do or say. But for Kyungsoo, he just wanted someone who would listen.
“That’s why I chose this song. It-it hurts. I chose it because it hurts. That’s-that’s not right, is it?” he asked with a bitter laugh, “that’s not normal. How can it be normal? I just-I feel like I- like I don’t really feel the rest of the time, you know? And that’s weird, because I know I do. But I just want something more than what I have right now.” He broke off, breathing harshly.
“Kyungsoo-”
“I know. I know Jongdae doesn’t want me; he doesn’t want to want me, I know. What else can I do now? Zhang Yixing. He asked me out before. And he’s not the first. But I just can’t-I can’t like him, or anyone else. I-” he broke off, taking a deep breath, looking as if the whole world was coming to an end, “when I lost my soul mate, when I couldn’t hear them anymore, it was-- you know how it was. And with Jongdae, I didn’t think I’d ever-” he broke off, sounding frustrated, “I was okay with the crush, I figured it’d fizzle out somewhere along the way. Except it didn’t. It’s still here, only worse. But the thing is, the person I want, he might want be back, but he doesn’t want to. And that’s worse than a rejection would have been. And it’s so much worse than when I lost the song. How can that be? How can anything hurt this much?” he broke off with a sob, burying his face in his hands.
Getting up, I climbed onto his bed, wrapping my arms around him, feeling him shake in my arms. For a while all you could hear were his sobs, broken, and leaving a terrible ache. A resounding ache, when I thought of our loss, and a resounding ache when I thought of Luhan. But holding him closer, I didn’t know how to comfort him. There was no real comfort for this.
The sobs quieted down after a little while, only sniffles and hiccups, and a few mumbled sorry’s. Taking a deep breath, and letting it out softly, I rested my head atop his.
“I never told you this, or anyone else, but I always had a feeling Jongdae knew, though he never said anything.”
“Hm?” Kyungsoo hummed, breath still shaky.
“No Ordinary Love.” I whispered.
“No ordinary love?” Kyungsoo asked, lifting his head, looking confused.
“No Ordinary Love.” I repeated, smiling wistfully at him.
And then it clicked, and he smiled sadly, eyes down casted.
“That day, you remember? The game?” I whispered.
“Yeah.” He looked at me, eyes dark.
“I- that twitching. It was that, right? After I realized what happened, it stopped almost immediately. But I have no idea when it started. I only felt it then. After I got home, I thought maybe it was just an infection, or allergies or something, so I thought I’d relax a bit, and listen to some music. The pain wasn’t really strong as it was annoying anyway.
“And then No Ordinary Love came on, and I knew it somehow. Not that I haven’t listened to it before, but it wasn’t like that. This time it just felt different.” Pursing my lips, and blinking hard, I took a deep breath.
Kyungsoo wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me closer and looking at me softly. I managed a small smile, and carried on.
“It just felt different, and I didn’t know why. And then Jongdae said something, he said melody, and I remembered. I remembered that there was a song there, but I couldn’t remember the song at all. It- it slipped away.” I ended on a whisper, feeling so sorrowful.
“And Jongdae-he’s really stubborn. We both know that. He can’t forgive this betrayal, just like he can’t forgive his betrayal. He refuses to forgive himself; he blames himself more than anything. And being with you, openly loving you, honestly loving you? He won’t allow himself that, no matter what. He won’t let go of this anger.”
Kyungsoo looked down, at his hands, “I know. I’ve always known that.”
“I’m sorry Kyungsoo. I wish- I wish I could make this all better.” I whispered, holding his hands.
He smiled, not as sad, “I know. We’ll be okay.”
I know. But when?
When it finally arrived, everything was hectic, naturally. Preparations, outfits, make up, order, and lots of stress. A little complication was that it was an outdoor concert, where elements were a lot less controllable. A few mild panic attacks, a few miscalculations, and a few missing bits of wardrobe (what do you mean it’s not here?! He needs that! It brings out his eyes!) It didn’t help at all that the music teacher was kind of a perfectionist, on top of being slightly OCD. The show had to go on anyway.
Jongdae, Baekhyun and Chanyeol all performed, though not together. And I can honestly say I did not expect my brother’s rock performance. I was blown away in more ways than one. But I still didn’t appreciate his flirtatious wink at the end. Though the audience clearly disagreed with me, if their screams were anything to go by.
The concert was filled with students from all over, which I somehow found a bit intimidating, but seemed to be an obvious success. Our school’s concerts always were.
“When’s Kyungsoo performing?” Sehun asked, leg bouncing.
“I think he said, second last? About? But I think the line up had some last minute change ups. Jongdae performed later than he was supposed to.” I replied, replying to Luhan’s text while waiting for the next performance to start.
“Oh.” A bit of silence, and then, “Luhan again?” he asked, trying to feign nonchalance, but he’s Sehun, so he can’t.
“Yeah.” I answered.
“You didn’t invite him? He doesn’t attend here, does he?” Sehun asked, glancing between me and my phone.
“No, he doesn’t. I invited him, but he’s working, so.” I mumbled, not really wanting to talk about Luhan, and not sure why, but from the way Sehun was twitching, it was obvious he had something to say.
“I know you’re sincerely trying to date Luhan, and that’s awesome Jongin. I’m really happy for you.” He said, smiling slightly.
I smiled softly. “I like him, Sehun. I really do,” I said, turning to face Sehun better, “And I know he likes me enough too. And it’s hard. I’ve never done this before, I’ve never dated, I’ve never been interested or really considered dating anyone before. And I really hate myself when I still can’t stop myself from thinking about what could have been. But. I do like him.” I sighed.
It’s not like I expected things to be easy between us, just like I didn’t expect to ever really get over it completely, but I thought I would be better now. That things would be better by now.
“It’s going to be hard, you know? It’s going to take long.” He mumbled, then raised his voice a bit, to be heard over the rest of the crowd, “You lived with the idea of soul mate for most of your life. It-it’s going to hurt for a while. And then- then it can only get better, right?” he said, smiling at me, eyes curving.
I laughed, “Sehun, the optimist. You’re so adorable.” Ruffling his hair, I reached to pinch his cheek. He glared once, and then smacked my hand away gently.
“I’m being serious.” He pouted.
“I know. Thanks Sehun. That means a lot.” I smiled.
Suddenly arms wrapped around our necks, pulling us backwards. Groaning, I struggled to get out of it, but gave up soon enough. Glancing at Sehun, he didn’t even bother to try.
“Evening ladies.” Jongdae grinned, looking no different than the Cheshire cat. “Noodle, it’s been too long.” He said, wrapping both arms around Sehun. Again, Sehun just went lax, munching on some M&M’s.
“So, how’d I do?” He said, grinning, looking way too pleased with himself.
Rolling my eyes, I ignored his question. His ego was big enough. “What are you doing out here anyway?” I asked.
He laughed. “It’s not like they really need me for anything backstage. So I thought I’d come out here and enjoy the rest of the show with you guys.”
“You’re slacking, aren’t you?” Sehun mumbled, snacking on a bag of chips now.
“How rude and totally unfounded.” Jongdae sniffed, looking offended.
“So you’re slacking, huh.”
Jongdae laughed, “Actually, I’m not. I helped at the beginning. We’re doing it in shifts, mine’s over. Plus Kyungsoo’s up next, I think.” He said, taking the seat next to me, which wasn’t empty until he came.
“What song is he performing? I heard him practising some songs of The Manhattans.” Jongdae said, stretching his legs.
Confused, I looked at him. “He said he was performing something different though?”
“Oh? Well, guess I wasn’t there to hear that, then.” He mumbled, not really put out, but something else.
Cheers from the audience brought our attention back to the stage. And hearing a certain hitch from Jongdae, I figured out who it was before I saw. Kyungsoo. Dressed in a black and white shirt, and black slacks, hair coiffed up, looking nothing short of handsome.
Hearing Sehun whistle next to me, I grinned, and glanced at Jongdae. He had his hands folded in his lap, leaning forward, looking flush and short of breath.
Why are you so stubborn? I wondered, sighing. Sehun reached out to squeeze my leg, and smiled at me, and then he inclined his towards the stage with a wiggle of his eyebrows. Grinning, I also leaned forward in my seat, anticipating.
Though I couldn’t see Kyungsoo’s face clearly, I could see how nervous he was. From his twitching, from the way he kept touching his hair, and bouncing the end of the mic against his thigh. And then they gave his introduction, and the audience went quiet.
He didn’t start immediately, and you could hear him exhale against the mic. Sehun curled his hand into a fist against his thigh, leg still bouncing. Come one Kyungsoo, you can do it, I whispered. And looking at Jongdae, looking at the way he was watching Kyungsoo, the way he has almost always watched Kyungsoo, I wondered when he would forgive himself.
And then he breathed a sigh of relief as the music started, but looked confused. Shaking his head, he looked winded.
And then Kyungsoo sang.
[You were dancing in your tubes socks
In our hotel room
Flashing those eyes
Like highway signs]
(Kyungsoo breathed deeper, resting one hand over his heart.)
[Light one up and hand it over
Rest your head upon my shoulder
Just wanna feel your lips against my... skin]
“What?” Jongdae groaned, breathing heavily, clutching his chest. As if he couldn’t breathe.
[White sheets, bright lights
Crooked teeth and the night life
You told me this is right where it begins
But your lips hang heavy
Underneath me
And I promised myself I wouldn’t let you
Complete me]
(A swallow, and heavy blinking.)
(And Jongdae looked as if he was on the edge of tears.)
[I’m trying not to let it show
That I don’t want to let this go
Is there somewhere you can meet me?]
(Jongdae folded in on himself, as if he’d fall to pieces if he didn’t.)
[‘Cause I clutched your arms
Like stairway railings]
(And Kyungsoo staring at Jongdae, eyes wet--)
[And you clutched my brain
And eased my... ailing]
“Jongdae, are you okay?” I asked, as I wrapped my arms around his waist.
“No.” He sounded so wretched, still curling in on himself, but his eyes never left the stage, “I’m not Jongin. I’m not.”
Panicked, I looked at Sehun for help. He looked scared, because this isn’t something he’s ever seen, but he got up anyway, signalling to the exit.
“Jongdae, let’s go, okay? It’s too crowded-” I started, trying to lift him up.
“No,” he said, shaking head, “I need to hear this.”
“Jongdae-”
“No, Jongin. I need to hear this.” He said, clutching my arm, tears rolling down his face.
Exchanging a glance with Sehun, we sat back down. Jongdae was the same throughout the concert; pained, wretched, and angry again. Sehun was restless, not knowing what to do, looking between Jongdae, Kyungsoo on stage and me.
[I’m sorry but I fell in love tonight
I didn’t mean to fall in love tonight
You’re looking like you fell in love tonight
Could we pretend that we’re in love?]
The song ended with applause from the audience. But Jongdae didn’t even wait for Kyungsoo to leave the stage before he was pushing his way through the audience. Pulling Sehun, we went after him, right out of the football field, all the way to one of the hallways leading to the library. Jongdae leaned against the door, out of breath, in more ways than one.
“Jongdae-”
“What the fuck?” he snarled. “No, what the actual fuck? What the fuck?!” he screamed, laughing hysterically.
“Hyung.” I whispered scared, not knowing what else to say, not knowing what I should do.
“This whole time. This entire time-he’s been right there. He’s been right here. And I didn’t know. How did this happen?” Jongdae whispered, staring at his hands.
“What-”
“That’s!” he laughed again, not knowing what to do with his hands, stuck between dragging them across his face, or pulling at his hair.
“That’s- that’s my song, Jonginnie. That’s my song.” He whispered, smiling, but looking broken, laughing again.
His song. It’s been Kyungsoo this whole time? Since- since then? “Oh god.”
He laughed again. “Oh god.” He echoed.
Sehun looked a mix of starstrucked and shocked.
“What?” A new voice cut in. Kyungsoo.
Me and Sehun turned, staring between Kyungsoo and Jongdae, the air thick.
“What?” he said, again, stepping forward slowly, and with every step Jongdae seemed to cower in on himself.
“What did you say?” Kyungsoo hissed, fists balled up against his sides.
A horrible silence, Jongdae shaking his head, and looking around, as if the words he needs to say would be lying somewhere, but life’s not as easy as that. So he settled with the only words he knew to say at this moment.
“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry, Kyungsoo. I’m sorry.” Jongdae said, choked, tears still running down his face.
“You’re sorry? You’re sorry?! Do you think sorry can fix this? All this time- it’s been you all this time? I’ve been in love with you for years, just hurting over and over again. And now this. And all you can say is that you’re sorry? You’re fucking sorry?!” Kyungsoo yelled, voice raw, ears red, and eyes bloodshot.
“I-” Jongdae broke off, not knowing anything else to say.
“I hate you! I fucking hate you!” Kyungsoo yelled, tears running, pushing him angrily, until he was backed against the wall.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered.
“Just shut up!” Kyungsoo yelled, and grabbed him around the neck, and kissed him hard. Jongdae eyes widened, before they slid close, and he pulled Kyungsoo flush against him, arms wrapped around his waist. Feverish whispers in between feverish kisses.
I love you. I’m so sorry. I love you so much.
“Let’s go.” I whispered to Sehun.
It took a while for them to get to a place where they were okay, where they didn’t repeatedly open the same wounds, or knock into the same bruised areas. Kisses and apologies weren’t going to fix everything, after all. They finally got to a place where they could heal them instead. Heal them, and love them, with hearts warm and fingers intertwined.
But sometimes, when something good happens, something not so good tends to happen too, to balance it out. So, I can’t say I was really caught too off guard.
I thought at one time, that I’d be okay without a soul mate. Falling in love as if that sort of thing never existed. And Luhan, he agreed. Luhan was... he was nice. He was soft, but he was loud, too. He was gentle, and kind, and genuine. And that’s so hard to find.
Coffee turned into coffee dates. Coffee dates turned into lunch. Lunch turned into movies and dinners. And all that turned into a relationship, and I didn’t think I could ever have it like I did this. Shy, soft kisses, late nights that turned into sleepovers, gentle handholding. Everything was just so- so comfortable. And I liked that.
At one point, I wondered if it was settling, what I was doing. Settling just because it’s comfortable.
I don’t think that’s a bad thing, Luhan said when I asked him, eyes earnest.
Oh, I whispered. But, I’m not. I just... I really like you, is all.
A smile, cheeks pink and, I like you too.
And for a while, I could say I almost forgot the whole soul mate concept. I think Luhan did, too. Until someone came along.
Short, shy and quiet, kind in a gently strong way, sharp eyes that held you captive. And Luhan... Luhan was his. Anyone could see it. But for a while, he was unbothered, and uninterested, and I didn’t really understand why. But it’s a pull, is what some say.
It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. The song keeps playing, he said, head buried in his hands. I love you Jongin, no matter what, I need you to know that I love you. I do. But I can’t anymore. He’s-he’s mine, he said, with tears rolling down his face, looking sad and so beautiful.
I said I understood. I didn’t. I wanted to childishly bang against cupboards, begging someone to tell me why why why I couldn’t have this. Why.
But he left. He was his, after all.
It wasn’t easy for Luhan, either. Luhan pushed him away at first; Minseok, ignored him, ignored the hurt and pain on his face. And Minseok, my brother’s roommate and close friend (what a small world), was angry. Understandably.
Eventually though, sometimes I’d see Minseok and Luhan at cafes, both smiling, fingers locked under the table.
I guess, they were just tired, hurting on their own, is what Jongdae said.
And I was alone again. And I was hurt, for a while, but I got over it. It didn’t sting anymore, but the ache stayed for a while. And Luhan and Minseok, they were just so nice, I couldn’t hold a bit of resentment towards them at all.
For a while, Jongdae wouldn’t hang around Minseok too much, and I could see how that hurt the both of them. Don’t be an idiot, I’d tell him. I have Kyungsoo. And Kyungsoo still loves me more than you.
He’d smile. Brat.
After a while, I wondered what Luhan meant by the song keeps playing. It made me curious. It wasn’t that way for Jongdae and Kyungsoo, that was obvious. And I hardly remember. Just... curious.
And life did what it always did; it carried on.
Part Four/Final
I got the lucky end of the stick, he’d say afterwards, growing close with his roommate.
Excuse you, Baekhyun and Chanyeol would say, hearing him, laughing, feigning annoyance.
Joonmyun started at a university much further from here, and though Jongdae would swear high and low that it didn’t happen, he cried when Joonmyun left.
Sehun was about twenty minutes away, so it’s not like we really got a chance to miss him, especially since he insisted on skyping nearly every day. Dear lord, Kyungsoo would grumble into his books every time the computer went off. He’d never miss a session though.
One day, a few months since the start, while skyping with Sehun, he seemed preoccupied. Not really thinking anything of it, this was a new ball game after all; I continued complaining about Jongdae, Kyungsoo throwing in some extra insults every now and then too.
“I mean, come on. He’s twenty already, but he’s still acting like-”
“An imbecile.”
“- a giant man child, with too much time on his hands, where does he even have the time to-”
“I kissed Sunyoung.”
“- play pra-oh.”
“Well, Sehunnie, great to see you’re all grown up, acting like an adult.” Kyungsoo said, not missing a beat.
There was a bit of silence, and looking at Kyungsoo, “you knew?” I asked, annoyed at being kept out of the loop.
“Yeah. Seungsoo attends the same place as Sehun does, remember? He told me Sehun was mumbling and stumbling through a drunken confession, like an idiot-”
“Hey!”
“- when Sunyoung took pity on him, and kissed him. So, actually, Sunyoung kissed him. He didn’t kiss her.”
“I kissed her again afterwards!” Sehun yelled, ears and face bright.
“Ah. Well done.” I said, resting my chin on my hands, grinning.
“Well done Sehun-chi.” Kyungsoo joined in, mimicking my pose.
“Uh... I guess...-wait! This isn’t Love Com!” he yelled, still getting red somehow.
We laughed. “That’s really great Sehun. We’re happy for you.” I said, smiling sincerely.
He smiled, looking relieved and happy, in a way I’ve never really seen him before. But beneath all that, I could see a different kind of worry in his eyes.
“Sehun.” Kyungsoo said.
“Yeah?”
“Are you worrying about useless things again?” he asked, leaning back.
Sehun looked down, exhaling softly. “It’s not fair, is all.” He whispered.
I smiled softly, “It’s not.” I said, “But it’s not the end of the world, either.”
He smiled, “Yeah.”
“It’ll be fine. We have you after all.” Kyungsoo said, smiling widely, lips stretching to reveal his teeth.
The rest of the night was filled with Sehun’s gushing, ears red, and cheeks flushed brightly. He seemed feverish with how happy he was, occasionally burying his hands in hair and pulling, and burying his face in his arms. And I honestly was happy for him. I loved seeing him like this, eyes crescents, cheeks pink, and smiling widely.
Of course, being happy for him doesn’t stop me from thinking about things I’d rather not. And feeling Kyungsoo’s hand squeezing mine, I smiled, and tuned back to Sehun’s rambling about Sunyoung’s pretty eyes, and the way she smiles and she’s just so kind--
I’ll be okay. We all will.
Sometimes, you get these days where you’re just kind of sad, without notice or reason. Everything seems to want to bring you to tears. And thinking about things you don’t really want to. Thoughts you’d rather avoid for the rest of your life.
Feeling out of it, like I didn’t really want to be anywhere, I found myself flipping to an empty page in a spare notebook.
I’m not sure there’s really anything wrong, nothing happened.
But I just feel a little sad today.
Snorting and feeling altogether pathetic, I forced myself into a pair of shoes, and made my way to a coffee shop. Not really paying attention to anything, I stood in line, staring blindly at the menu, even though I always took the same thing, not being much of a fan of either coffee or tea.
“Next!” I heard, and looked towards the cash register, and noticed the grumbling around me. Flushing slightly, I made my way to order, noticing the cashier, and being vaguely reminded of Sehun, just much prettier.
“Hi,” he said, smiling, really very pretty, “your order?”
“Uh... yeah. I’d like a white chocolate mocha frappucino, venti, please.”
“Sure. Coming up.” He said, writing my order on the cup.
“Name?”
“Jongin.”
“Okay, thank you.” he said, after telling me the total.
After paying, I stood to the side, still not really paying attention. Shifting from foot to foot, I looked around the cafe, without really seeing anything, and sighed.
[I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love.]
I laughed. Today was a terrible day.
[I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love
You took my love.]
I glared at the carpet, scuffing it with my shoe, and forced myself to stop, annoyed. Since when do I scuff my shoes like a kid?
[Didn’t I tell you
What I believe
Did somebody say that
A love like that won’t last
Didn’t I give you
All that I’ve got to give baby]
I felt bitter, finding myself mouthing to the song, as if it didn’t bring about the things it did.
I exhaled harshly through my nose, not wanting to feel like this. Not wanting a song to be able to do this to me.
“Are you okay?” I heard distantly, and looking up, I saw the cashier looking at me worriedly. Or barista? Is he called the cashier or the barista?
“Barista.” He laughed.
Realizing I’d spoken out loud, I groaned feeling my tell tale blush burn its way across my ears.
He laughed again. “It’s okay. I don’t mind.” He said, making as if to hand me my coffee, and seemingly reconsidering. “Are you okay?” He asked again.
Smiling slightly, and feeling a little guilty at the sincerity in his eyes, I tried answering at least a little truthfully. “I’m fine. I just- I hate this song. I didn’t always hate-um. I just. I don’t like this song. It brings back things I don’t want to remember.” I said.
Things I can’t remember, I thought.
“Oh.” He said, looking surprised at my honesty, and I was, too. “That’s sad.” He said, the honesty written in his eyes. “It’s sad, when something beautiful, something that you used to be okay with, becomes a sad memory. Or something that brings you pain.” He said, a sad curve to his mouth.
Pursing his lips while looking down at the cup, he looked up and smiled at me, sticking out his hand. “My name’s Luhan.”
“Oh. I’m Jongin.”
“I know. You said, at the beginning. But you look so out of it, so I didn’t think you caught my name tag. It’s Luhan.” He said, laughing slightly.
I laughed softly. He smiled, happy with my reaction. Handing me my coffee, he looked hesitant again.
“Um-do you maybe want to exchange numbers? We can talk? Or maybe have lunch. Or coffee!” he said, mouthing working between pursing and smiling, looking like he didn’t know what to do. Oh, nervous. He was nervous.
I laughed again. He looked surprised, eyes wide. “Sure.” I said, sounding more calm and confident than I knew I actually was.
He grinned brightly, handing me his phone.
I noticed someone standing behind him, looking stern, and I had to suppress a laugh. After handing back his phone, leaning a little closer, and dropping my voice lower, “I think your boss isn’t so pleased right now.”
His head snapped up at me, and around, and an almost inaudible shit, he tucked his phone back in his apron and sent me a small wave. He bowed once to the manager, and made his way to the cashier again.
Making my way to the exit, I turned to look at him. He was helping a customer, but as if he felt my staring, he looked up. And catching my eyes, he smiled. I smiled back.
I didn’t have any expectations, I thought, but I was a bit happy when I got a text from him.
Hi. Luhan here. And a smiley emoticon.
And somewhere, in the back of my mind, it played on.
[This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love.]-
“Why do people have to be this lonely? What’s the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?”
- Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart
Our second year brought about a flurry of activity; music festivals, dance competitions, Kyungsoo questioning his life choices several times, hard to meet deadlines, and miraculously... well, a miracle.
“Why am I a part of this, now again?” Kyungsoo asked, collapsing on his bed. With the upcoming music festival this week, preparations and all, Kyungsoo came home every day looking a lot like a character from the walking dead. I laughed, which got me a pillow to my head.
“Uncool.” I pouted, munching on slightly old Cheetos.
“Whatever.” Kyungsoo mumbled against his pillow, sighing as well.
I laughed, “Hey, at least Jongdae’s there. As much as a pain he is, he is kind of useful at times.” I said, trying to cheer him up.
“I guess.” Kyungsoo said. I waited, anticipating some insults to be thrown in with the agreement. All I got was another sigh though.
“Hey,” I said, getting up, and sitting next to him on the bed, running my fingers through his hair, “you okay?”
Another sigh, and then he lifted his head, smiled and then laid his head down again. “Tired. I’m just tired, is all. Byun Baekhyun. He asked me out.” He said, running his fingers along the patterns on his duvet.
Baekhyun? “Oh. Did you-”
“No. I didn’t. It’s pointlessly cruel to string people along.” He answered, already knowing what I’d ask, already having had this conversation a few times before.
I smothered the guilt I felt when I thought of Luhan. I wasn’t being insincere, though I know Kyungsoo didn’t mean it that way.
“You-don’t you want to... try?” I asked, glancing at him, before getting back to my own bed, glancing at the ceiling, this one also covered in stars.
“No.” He whispered.
Never getting the chance to have his soul mate, and never getting the chance to have Jongdae, I wondered why things were sometimes so unfair. Shutting that thought out, and pushing it away, I rolled onto my side.
Pointless thoughts will always be pointless in the end.
“What song are you performing anyway? You never told me.” I asked, a little while later.
“Is There Somewhere?” Kyungsoo replied, staring blindly at his music sheets.
“By Halsey?” A nod. “Oh. I didn’t think you’d choose that kind of song. It’s different from your usual taste. Or is that what you’re going for? Something different?” I asked.
“Not really.” He said on an exhale, eyes finally refocusing. Turning to look at me, eyes focused and determined. And something else-- “Did you ever... Did you ever hear a song that kind of gives you a flash of déjà vu?” he asked me earnestly.
Oh. That’s what it was. Fear.
Feeling a lump in my throat, I sat up, not really knowing what to do or say. But for Kyungsoo, he just wanted someone who would listen.
“That’s why I chose this song. It-it hurts. I chose it because it hurts. That’s-that’s not right, is it?” he asked with a bitter laugh, “that’s not normal. How can it be normal? I just-I feel like I- like I don’t really feel the rest of the time, you know? And that’s weird, because I know I do. But I just want something more than what I have right now.” He broke off, breathing harshly.
“Kyungsoo-”
“I know. I know Jongdae doesn’t want me; he doesn’t want to want me, I know. What else can I do now? Zhang Yixing. He asked me out before. And he’s not the first. But I just can’t-I can’t like him, or anyone else. I-” he broke off, taking a deep breath, looking as if the whole world was coming to an end, “when I lost my soul mate, when I couldn’t hear them anymore, it was-- you know how it was. And with Jongdae, I didn’t think I’d ever-” he broke off, sounding frustrated, “I was okay with the crush, I figured it’d fizzle out somewhere along the way. Except it didn’t. It’s still here, only worse. But the thing is, the person I want, he might want be back, but he doesn’t want to. And that’s worse than a rejection would have been. And it’s so much worse than when I lost the song. How can that be? How can anything hurt this much?” he broke off with a sob, burying his face in his hands.
Getting up, I climbed onto his bed, wrapping my arms around him, feeling him shake in my arms. For a while all you could hear were his sobs, broken, and leaving a terrible ache. A resounding ache, when I thought of our loss, and a resounding ache when I thought of Luhan. But holding him closer, I didn’t know how to comfort him. There was no real comfort for this.
The sobs quieted down after a little while, only sniffles and hiccups, and a few mumbled sorry’s. Taking a deep breath, and letting it out softly, I rested my head atop his.
“I never told you this, or anyone else, but I always had a feeling Jongdae knew, though he never said anything.”
“Hm?” Kyungsoo hummed, breath still shaky.
“No Ordinary Love.” I whispered.
“No ordinary love?” Kyungsoo asked, lifting his head, looking confused.
“No Ordinary Love.” I repeated, smiling wistfully at him.
And then it clicked, and he smiled sadly, eyes down casted.
“That day, you remember? The game?” I whispered.
“Yeah.” He looked at me, eyes dark.
“I- that twitching. It was that, right? After I realized what happened, it stopped almost immediately. But I have no idea when it started. I only felt it then. After I got home, I thought maybe it was just an infection, or allergies or something, so I thought I’d relax a bit, and listen to some music. The pain wasn’t really strong as it was annoying anyway.
“And then No Ordinary Love came on, and I knew it somehow. Not that I haven’t listened to it before, but it wasn’t like that. This time it just felt different.” Pursing my lips, and blinking hard, I took a deep breath.
Kyungsoo wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me closer and looking at me softly. I managed a small smile, and carried on.
“It just felt different, and I didn’t know why. And then Jongdae said something, he said melody, and I remembered. I remembered that there was a song there, but I couldn’t remember the song at all. It- it slipped away.” I ended on a whisper, feeling so sorrowful.
“And Jongdae-he’s really stubborn. We both know that. He can’t forgive this betrayal, just like he can’t forgive his betrayal. He refuses to forgive himself; he blames himself more than anything. And being with you, openly loving you, honestly loving you? He won’t allow himself that, no matter what. He won’t let go of this anger.”
Kyungsoo looked down, at his hands, “I know. I’ve always known that.”
“I’m sorry Kyungsoo. I wish- I wish I could make this all better.” I whispered, holding his hands.
He smiled, not as sad, “I know. We’ll be okay.”
I know. But when?
When it finally arrived, everything was hectic, naturally. Preparations, outfits, make up, order, and lots of stress. A little complication was that it was an outdoor concert, where elements were a lot less controllable. A few mild panic attacks, a few miscalculations, and a few missing bits of wardrobe (what do you mean it’s not here?! He needs that! It brings out his eyes!) It didn’t help at all that the music teacher was kind of a perfectionist, on top of being slightly OCD. The show had to go on anyway.
Jongdae, Baekhyun and Chanyeol all performed, though not together. And I can honestly say I did not expect my brother’s rock performance. I was blown away in more ways than one. But I still didn’t appreciate his flirtatious wink at the end. Though the audience clearly disagreed with me, if their screams were anything to go by.
The concert was filled with students from all over, which I somehow found a bit intimidating, but seemed to be an obvious success. Our school’s concerts always were.
“When’s Kyungsoo performing?” Sehun asked, leg bouncing.
“I think he said, second last? About? But I think the line up had some last minute change ups. Jongdae performed later than he was supposed to.” I replied, replying to Luhan’s text while waiting for the next performance to start.
“Oh.” A bit of silence, and then, “Luhan again?” he asked, trying to feign nonchalance, but he’s Sehun, so he can’t.
“Yeah.” I answered.
“You didn’t invite him? He doesn’t attend here, does he?” Sehun asked, glancing between me and my phone.
“No, he doesn’t. I invited him, but he’s working, so.” I mumbled, not really wanting to talk about Luhan, and not sure why, but from the way Sehun was twitching, it was obvious he had something to say.
“I know you’re sincerely trying to date Luhan, and that’s awesome Jongin. I’m really happy for you.” He said, smiling slightly.
I smiled softly. “I like him, Sehun. I really do,” I said, turning to face Sehun better, “And I know he likes me enough too. And it’s hard. I’ve never done this before, I’ve never dated, I’ve never been interested or really considered dating anyone before. And I really hate myself when I still can’t stop myself from thinking about what could have been. But. I do like him.” I sighed.
It’s not like I expected things to be easy between us, just like I didn’t expect to ever really get over it completely, but I thought I would be better now. That things would be better by now.
“It’s going to be hard, you know? It’s going to take long.” He mumbled, then raised his voice a bit, to be heard over the rest of the crowd, “You lived with the idea of soul mate for most of your life. It-it’s going to hurt for a while. And then- then it can only get better, right?” he said, smiling at me, eyes curving.
I laughed, “Sehun, the optimist. You’re so adorable.” Ruffling his hair, I reached to pinch his cheek. He glared once, and then smacked my hand away gently.
“I’m being serious.” He pouted.
“I know. Thanks Sehun. That means a lot.” I smiled.
Suddenly arms wrapped around our necks, pulling us backwards. Groaning, I struggled to get out of it, but gave up soon enough. Glancing at Sehun, he didn’t even bother to try.
“Evening ladies.” Jongdae grinned, looking no different than the Cheshire cat. “Noodle, it’s been too long.” He said, wrapping both arms around Sehun. Again, Sehun just went lax, munching on some M&M’s.
“So, how’d I do?” He said, grinning, looking way too pleased with himself.
Rolling my eyes, I ignored his question. His ego was big enough. “What are you doing out here anyway?” I asked.
He laughed. “It’s not like they really need me for anything backstage. So I thought I’d come out here and enjoy the rest of the show with you guys.”
“You’re slacking, aren’t you?” Sehun mumbled, snacking on a bag of chips now.
“How rude and totally unfounded.” Jongdae sniffed, looking offended.
“So you’re slacking, huh.”
Jongdae laughed, “Actually, I’m not. I helped at the beginning. We’re doing it in shifts, mine’s over. Plus Kyungsoo’s up next, I think.” He said, taking the seat next to me, which wasn’t empty until he came.
“What song is he performing? I heard him practising some songs of The Manhattans.” Jongdae said, stretching his legs.
Confused, I looked at him. “He said he was performing something different though?”
“Oh? Well, guess I wasn’t there to hear that, then.” He mumbled, not really put out, but something else.
Cheers from the audience brought our attention back to the stage. And hearing a certain hitch from Jongdae, I figured out who it was before I saw. Kyungsoo. Dressed in a black and white shirt, and black slacks, hair coiffed up, looking nothing short of handsome.
Hearing Sehun whistle next to me, I grinned, and glanced at Jongdae. He had his hands folded in his lap, leaning forward, looking flush and short of breath.
Why are you so stubborn? I wondered, sighing. Sehun reached out to squeeze my leg, and smiled at me, and then he inclined his towards the stage with a wiggle of his eyebrows. Grinning, I also leaned forward in my seat, anticipating.
Though I couldn’t see Kyungsoo’s face clearly, I could see how nervous he was. From his twitching, from the way he kept touching his hair, and bouncing the end of the mic against his thigh. And then they gave his introduction, and the audience went quiet.
He didn’t start immediately, and you could hear him exhale against the mic. Sehun curled his hand into a fist against his thigh, leg still bouncing. Come one Kyungsoo, you can do it, I whispered. And looking at Jongdae, looking at the way he was watching Kyungsoo, the way he has almost always watched Kyungsoo, I wondered when he would forgive himself.
And then he breathed a sigh of relief as the music started, but looked confused. Shaking his head, he looked winded.
And then Kyungsoo sang.
[You were dancing in your tubes socks
In our hotel room
Flashing those eyes
Like highway signs]
(Kyungsoo breathed deeper, resting one hand over his heart.)
[Light one up and hand it over
Rest your head upon my shoulder
Just wanna feel your lips against my... skin]
“What?” Jongdae groaned, breathing heavily, clutching his chest. As if he couldn’t breathe.
[White sheets, bright lights
Crooked teeth and the night life
You told me this is right where it begins
But your lips hang heavy
Underneath me
And I promised myself I wouldn’t let you
Complete me]
(A swallow, and heavy blinking.)
(And Jongdae looked as if he was on the edge of tears.)
[I’m trying not to let it show
That I don’t want to let this go
Is there somewhere you can meet me?]
(Jongdae folded in on himself, as if he’d fall to pieces if he didn’t.)
[‘Cause I clutched your arms
Like stairway railings]
(And Kyungsoo staring at Jongdae, eyes wet--)
[And you clutched my brain
And eased my... ailing]
“Jongdae, are you okay?” I asked, as I wrapped my arms around his waist.
“No.” He sounded so wretched, still curling in on himself, but his eyes never left the stage, “I’m not Jongin. I’m not.”
Panicked, I looked at Sehun for help. He looked scared, because this isn’t something he’s ever seen, but he got up anyway, signalling to the exit.
“Jongdae, let’s go, okay? It’s too crowded-” I started, trying to lift him up.
“No,” he said, shaking head, “I need to hear this.”
“Jongdae-”
“No, Jongin. I need to hear this.” He said, clutching my arm, tears rolling down his face.
Exchanging a glance with Sehun, we sat back down. Jongdae was the same throughout the concert; pained, wretched, and angry again. Sehun was restless, not knowing what to do, looking between Jongdae, Kyungsoo on stage and me.
[I’m sorry but I fell in love tonight
I didn’t mean to fall in love tonight
You’re looking like you fell in love tonight
Could we pretend that we’re in love?]
The song ended with applause from the audience. But Jongdae didn’t even wait for Kyungsoo to leave the stage before he was pushing his way through the audience. Pulling Sehun, we went after him, right out of the football field, all the way to one of the hallways leading to the library. Jongdae leaned against the door, out of breath, in more ways than one.
“Jongdae-”
“What the fuck?” he snarled. “No, what the actual fuck? What the fuck?!” he screamed, laughing hysterically.
“Hyung.” I whispered scared, not knowing what else to say, not knowing what I should do.
“This whole time. This entire time-he’s been right there. He’s been right here. And I didn’t know. How did this happen?” Jongdae whispered, staring at his hands.
“What-”
“That’s!” he laughed again, not knowing what to do with his hands, stuck between dragging them across his face, or pulling at his hair.
“That’s- that’s my song, Jonginnie. That’s my song.” He whispered, smiling, but looking broken, laughing again.
His song. It’s been Kyungsoo this whole time? Since- since then? “Oh god.”
He laughed again. “Oh god.” He echoed.
Sehun looked a mix of starstrucked and shocked.
“What?” A new voice cut in. Kyungsoo.
Me and Sehun turned, staring between Kyungsoo and Jongdae, the air thick.
“What?” he said, again, stepping forward slowly, and with every step Jongdae seemed to cower in on himself.
“What did you say?” Kyungsoo hissed, fists balled up against his sides.
A horrible silence, Jongdae shaking his head, and looking around, as if the words he needs to say would be lying somewhere, but life’s not as easy as that. So he settled with the only words he knew to say at this moment.
“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry, Kyungsoo. I’m sorry.” Jongdae said, choked, tears still running down his face.
“You’re sorry? You’re sorry?! Do you think sorry can fix this? All this time- it’s been you all this time? I’ve been in love with you for years, just hurting over and over again. And now this. And all you can say is that you’re sorry? You’re fucking sorry?!” Kyungsoo yelled, voice raw, ears red, and eyes bloodshot.
“I-” Jongdae broke off, not knowing anything else to say.
“I hate you! I fucking hate you!” Kyungsoo yelled, tears running, pushing him angrily, until he was backed against the wall.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered.
“Just shut up!” Kyungsoo yelled, and grabbed him around the neck, and kissed him hard. Jongdae eyes widened, before they slid close, and he pulled Kyungsoo flush against him, arms wrapped around his waist. Feverish whispers in between feverish kisses.
I love you. I’m so sorry. I love you so much.
“Let’s go.” I whispered to Sehun.
It took a while for them to get to a place where they were okay, where they didn’t repeatedly open the same wounds, or knock into the same bruised areas. Kisses and apologies weren’t going to fix everything, after all. They finally got to a place where they could heal them instead. Heal them, and love them, with hearts warm and fingers intertwined.
But sometimes, when something good happens, something not so good tends to happen too, to balance it out. So, I can’t say I was really caught too off guard.
I thought at one time, that I’d be okay without a soul mate. Falling in love as if that sort of thing never existed. And Luhan, he agreed. Luhan was... he was nice. He was soft, but he was loud, too. He was gentle, and kind, and genuine. And that’s so hard to find.
Coffee turned into coffee dates. Coffee dates turned into lunch. Lunch turned into movies and dinners. And all that turned into a relationship, and I didn’t think I could ever have it like I did this. Shy, soft kisses, late nights that turned into sleepovers, gentle handholding. Everything was just so- so comfortable. And I liked that.
At one point, I wondered if it was settling, what I was doing. Settling just because it’s comfortable.
I don’t think that’s a bad thing, Luhan said when I asked him, eyes earnest.
Oh, I whispered. But, I’m not. I just... I really like you, is all.
A smile, cheeks pink and, I like you too.
And for a while, I could say I almost forgot the whole soul mate concept. I think Luhan did, too. Until someone came along.
Short, shy and quiet, kind in a gently strong way, sharp eyes that held you captive. And Luhan... Luhan was his. Anyone could see it. But for a while, he was unbothered, and uninterested, and I didn’t really understand why. But it’s a pull, is what some say.
It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. The song keeps playing, he said, head buried in his hands. I love you Jongin, no matter what, I need you to know that I love you. I do. But I can’t anymore. He’s-he’s mine, he said, with tears rolling down his face, looking sad and so beautiful.
I said I understood. I didn’t. I wanted to childishly bang against cupboards, begging someone to tell me why why why I couldn’t have this. Why.
But he left. He was his, after all.
It wasn’t easy for Luhan, either. Luhan pushed him away at first; Minseok, ignored him, ignored the hurt and pain on his face. And Minseok, my brother’s roommate and close friend (what a small world), was angry. Understandably.
Eventually though, sometimes I’d see Minseok and Luhan at cafes, both smiling, fingers locked under the table.
I guess, they were just tired, hurting on their own, is what Jongdae said.
And I was alone again. And I was hurt, for a while, but I got over it. It didn’t sting anymore, but the ache stayed for a while. And Luhan and Minseok, they were just so nice, I couldn’t hold a bit of resentment towards them at all.
For a while, Jongdae wouldn’t hang around Minseok too much, and I could see how that hurt the both of them. Don’t be an idiot, I’d tell him. I have Kyungsoo. And Kyungsoo still loves me more than you.
He’d smile. Brat.
After a while, I wondered what Luhan meant by the song keeps playing. It made me curious. It wasn’t that way for Jongdae and Kyungsoo, that was obvious. And I hardly remember. Just... curious.
And life did what it always did; it carried on.
Part Four/Final