(no subject)

[alex_thebigone]

i haven't thought about you recently
it's weird how one can so easily forget when something is gone from their everyday pattern
i miss that smile
that voice
even though i know it isn't for me
isn't at all like me
it just is what it is

keeping myself company is a drag
it's funny, i get invited places and then decline, or don't show up
and then i feel sad later, feel lonely and like no one wants me
but then i realize
i'm fucking over myself constantly

on school
on relationships
on groups
on people
on life in general

fucking over myself so often
then i complain about being lonely
but it's no one's fault but myself
maybe i just don't like having to deal with people

it just seems so weird that i long for contact
but decline it when it's offered

i've become such an ugly person
on the outside and inside

I find myself resenting the friends i hang out with often
why would someone resent the people they're most comfortable around?
is it cuz i think i'm better?
am i really one of those people who walks around thinking i'm better than everyone else?
i hate people like that, but i am one

i really wonder what went wrong somewhere in my life to make me end up as this person
i mean...in ways i'm good
but in many different ways i'm awkward
i can never connect and feel what so many people have, just friendship

goddamn third wheel mentality
this week i realized i was one in my group of three
guess i'm just sick of it