(no subject)
how do you count the number of faces that you've seen. you know you've seen a lot but you can't remember any of those passing faces i bet. and you realise that you're one of those faces to everyone else.
how melodramatic.
i just want to feel like i've done something. something i haven't ruined in the end...and i always do somehow. i break people...i'm just too violent with our relationships. i wish i could look at myself and feel content with at least one thing i've done. one thing i've helped someone else with...even just something i said that helped them that they couldn't have figured out on their own. and i can't. i'm a master at stating the obvious and rephrasing it so no one gives me a dirty look as if to say 'are you new?'
i'm so tired of everything. people see me but they never actually see me. people say 'oh you're lazy and you don't do anything ever' and i play it up because that way people never seem to stop and wonder why i don't need to do anything.
i'm tired of fighting all these battles i can't win, but i'm too stubborn to give up. i'm tired of reaching out to people only to have them let go of me right when i need them the most. i'm tired of having big dreams that i know i'm too small to pull off. i'm just so tired of it all. i just...i guess i've never had such an urge just to give up.
i've always hated giving up and yet i've given up on more things in the past year than in the entire rest of my life. i'd rather never even try something than give up on it.
i never learned how to do any cool tricks. i never learned how to ride a unicycle. i never learned how to do that ball under the cup thing. i never learned how to cartwheel or dislocate my shoulder or shoot a basketball from standing backwards. i never learned how to build a card house. i never learned how to juggle.
i hate me a lot sometimes. all the time.
sorry.
bye.
<3
xxx
how melodramatic.
i just want to feel like i've done something. something i haven't ruined in the end...and i always do somehow. i break people...i'm just too violent with our relationships. i wish i could look at myself and feel content with at least one thing i've done. one thing i've helped someone else with...even just something i said that helped them that they couldn't have figured out on their own. and i can't. i'm a master at stating the obvious and rephrasing it so no one gives me a dirty look as if to say 'are you new?'
i'm so tired of everything. people see me but they never actually see me. people say 'oh you're lazy and you don't do anything ever' and i play it up because that way people never seem to stop and wonder why i don't need to do anything.
i'm tired of fighting all these battles i can't win, but i'm too stubborn to give up. i'm tired of reaching out to people only to have them let go of me right when i need them the most. i'm tired of having big dreams that i know i'm too small to pull off. i'm just so tired of it all. i just...i guess i've never had such an urge just to give up.
i've always hated giving up and yet i've given up on more things in the past year than in the entire rest of my life. i'd rather never even try something than give up on it.
i never learned how to do any cool tricks. i never learned how to ride a unicycle. i never learned how to do that ball under the cup thing. i never learned how to cartwheel or dislocate my shoulder or shoot a basketball from standing backwards. i never learned how to build a card house. i never learned how to juggle.
i hate me a lot sometimes. all the time.
sorry.
bye.
<3
xxx