A Woman Undone: Part 77 of 77
Wow, this is it. Can you believe it? Part 77 of 77. I owe every thanks to all of you who read this story from day one, November 10th of 2007, as well as to those of you who marathon read and just kept going. We’ve made it a journey together, the entire AWU gang - FedEx driving, gutter dwelling, Robin hating, Dick despising, smut sluts! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support and enthusiasm and encouragement. The people I’ve met, the friends I’ve made, the relationships we’ve nurtured - I will remember this experience always. You made this what it is, and it has truly been my honor to be a part of it. And so…without further ado, here is Part 77, and with love in my heart and a smile on my face, I bid you all goodnight…
Part 77
“Has the jury reached a verdict?” the judge asked sternly, peering at the twelve members from behind his thick-rimmed glasses.
“We have, your Honor,” a middle aged woman replied as she stood up to address the court.
“Will the defendant rise?” the judge ordered, the defendant and his attorney standing up as instructed.
“In the matter of the People vs. Wade,” the woman spoke slowly, “We find the defendant, Alan Wade…not guilty.”
As soon as the verdict was announced, the courtroom filled with noise and shouts and gasps while the judge hammered his gavel loudly to quiet everyone down.
“Members of the jury, we thank you for your services. Mr. Wade, you are free to go. Court is adjourned.”
Alan Wade turned to his attorney with a beaming smile on his face and shook his hand aggressively. “Lewis, you are pure genius,” he exclaimed as he pulled him into a hug and breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Richard congratulated his client on their victory, and the two men walked outside of the courthouse to greet the waiting press.
“Senator Wade, Senator Wade!” a woman with a microphone hollered from amongst the crowd, “How does it feel to leave here a free man?”
“It feels indescribable,” he replied with a wide grin, “But the credit goes to this man right here.”
Turning to his lawyer who was standing beside him, Wade gave him a little nudge in front of the eager crowd of reporters. As soon as he stepped forward, everyone quieted down and listened intently. Richard gave the speech that he’d written the night before, emphasizing all the right words in all the right places, playing to the crowd of reporters and journalists who were hungry for his every word. Though he paid his respects to the victim and his family, he couldn’t help but be arrogant in his victory. It was, after all, a shocking verdict - a surprise to everyone except Richard, hence the well-manufactured speech he was reciting at that moment. The punch lines were the best - things like, “Justice on our side,” and “Upholding the law.” No matter what he said, the reporters recorded every word, and Richard knew that come the next morning, his name would be everywhere, and it would be this recognition that would get him where he wanted to go.
Finishing up the last few words of his speech, the reporters crowded in even closer, clamoring for just a few more answers to their questions, but their efforts were in vain as Richard let his client take center stage. Stepping back to watch Senator Wade take some of the heat, Richard whispered something in the ear of a beautiful blonde woman standing beside him before giving her a kiss on the cheek. She smiled at him with excitement in her eyes as he took her hand in his own and listened to the senator speak.
“How does that verdict make you feel?” Elliot asked as he and his partner stood staring at the chaos from the other side of the street.
“You know he did it. You know Wade killed the guy,” Olivia answered as she watched the scene play out in front of the courthouse. “The wife may be defending him, but it’s probably just because she’s afraid not to. She’s probably afraid she’ll be next. First the boyfriend then the wife.”
“Well, maybe he didn’t do it.”
“Or he did, and he’s just got one hell of an attorney,” Olivia said with a grimace.
“Yeah, too bad he’s not one of the good guys,” Elliot joked as he opened the car door and climbed into the driver’s seat.
“Yeah, too bad,” Olivia agreed, taking one last look at the Senator and his attorney before sliding into the passenger seat and shutting the door.
* * *
The sound of the gunshot echoed in the streets, bouncing off the tall buildings that crowded in on the four of them from all sides. The noise was startling to Alex, causing her to jump, and as she stood there she couldn’t recall ever having heard a gun be fired before. She hadn’t expected it to be so loud. She hadn’t expected it to be so sudden. And she hadn’t expected it to go off. But the moment it did, the struggle going on in front of her came to an immediate halt. Tommy released the grip he had on Richard’s arm and gave him a shove backwards, looking down at himself and then over at Olivia. The detective took a step backwards and looked behind her at Alex. Richard, the pistol still in his hand, suddenly dropped the gun, the metal hitting the cement making a loud ringing in everyone’s ears. And Alex stood frozen in space and in time with a stunned expression on her face as she stared back at Olivia. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t speak. She could barely even breathe.
“Alex.”
* * *
“Alex, wake up, Alex!” Olivia said, gently shaking her as she lay there asleep on the couch. “Sweetie, wake up.”
“Is it over?” Alex asked groggily as her eyes slowly opened and focused on her surroundings.
“Yeah, it’s over,” Olivia laughed. “You missed pretty much all of it.”
“Well, I thought you said it was a good movie.”
“It is a good movie. It’s Lawrence of Arabia. It’s a classic.”
Alex just looked at her with a scowl on her face and shrugged her shoulders, completely disagreeing with her.
“What? Were you expecting to see a bunch of hot women riding around in the desert?” Olivia joked with her.
“Well, I was kind of hoping there’d be at least one woman who spoke in the three hours the thing was on our TV. You do realize that, don’t you?”
“Realize what?” Olivia asked as she pushed the stop button on the remote control.
“That for three hours not a single woman ever spoke a line.”
“How would you know? You fell asleep three minutes into it.”
“Just a little bit of trivia I know,” Alex said with a cocky grin. “Why else do you think I fell asleep?”
“Alright fine, Miss smarty pants. Next time, you choose the movie,” Olivia said, pretending to pout on her end of the couch.
“Fine, I will,” Alex answered, playing to Olivia’s sulky behavior just perfectly. “And next time it will have something to look at other than endless miles of sand. That wasn’t the kind of hot I was talking about, you know?”
Without hesitation, Olivia grabbed the pillow beside her and smacked Alex in the head with it. With her blonde hair flying across her face, Alex just sat there, stunned at first, but then very slowly turned her head in Olivia’s direction.
“Oh, you’re going to pay for that, Olivia Benson. Don’t think I won’t crawl across this couch and come over there.”
“No you won’t. You’re too tired, remember?”
“Well, I just had a very nice nap thanks to your Mr. Lawrence, so I am very refreshed and full of energy.”
Seeing the challenging look in Alex’s eyes, Olivia suddenly pushed off the armrest of the couch and quickly closed the distance between them. With one arm on each side of Alex’s body, she hovered above her for a moment before slowly laying down on top of her.
“Don’t you think there might be a better use for all of that energy you have?” Olivia asked with a sweet, seductive smile spread across her lips. “You know, make love, not war.”
“Mmm,” Alex moaned as she reached up and gently kissed Olivia on the mouth, “You want to make love?”
“I want to make love.”
* * *
“Alex,” Olivia said in a voice barely above a whisper.
Her heart felt like it stopped beating as she stood there and saw the blood seeping through her clothes. It felt like the life had been sucked out of her the moment she saw her fall to the ground. Her mind raced with no other thought than to get to her as fast as she could.
“Olivia!” Alex screamed as she rushed to her body and knelt down beside her.
In an absolute panic, Alex frantically grabbed Olivia in her arms, her hands shaky, unsure of what to do first. Should she call 911? Should she scream for help? Should she press down on the wound? The blood was already seeping heavily even through Olivia’s outer layer of clothing, a dark red, not bright like a surface level flesh wound. What should she do? What could she do?
As she knelt there cradling Olivia’s body and with the world seemingly spinning twice as fast, Alex could hear herself yelling at someone to call an ambulance. She could hear the cry in her voice - the fear, the anguish. And as if she was standing on the outside looking in, she could even see it in her eyes and on her face - the panic and the desperation. Only in her heart did she not see the wound the bullet had caused. Only in her heart did she not see the pain on Olivia’s face. Only in her heart did she hope that this was all just a horrible dream. But the world around her suddenly came rushing back into focus, and the inevitable was still lying in her arms.
“Olivia,” she whispered.
Alex had always been so good with words. She’d spent her entire life perfecting it as an art. Even in the most pressured situations, she usually knew what to say and how to say it, but now, in the most important moment of her life, she was at a loss. Nothing seemed good enough. “I love you,” was too small. “I need you” was too simple. “Don’t leave me” was too plain. What does a person say in a moment like that? As Alex searched desperately for the right words, Olivia gently grabbed her hand and stared up at her, only a bit of light still shining from her soulful brown eyes.
“Am I okay?” she asked, her voice calm but weak and with a slight tremor.
Alex closed her eyes and tried to fight back her tears, but they poured down her cheeks nonetheless. Olivia squeezed her hand and slowly reached up to touch the side of Alex’s tear-stained cheek.
“Am I okay?” she asked again, though this time she said it as more of a statement than a question.
Alex took a deep breath and smiled ever so faintly. “Yes, you’re okay,” she whispered as she leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips. “You’re my one and only, Olivia Benson. You are my heart, and you always will be.”
Seeing Olivia lying on the sidewalk, Alex trying to hold onto her for dear life, Tommy was filled with an uncontrollable rage and an inner strength he’d never felt in all his life. Before Richard could even move an inch, Tommy kicked the gun to the side, grabbed him by the collar, and violently slammed his back up against the metal lamppost.
“Oh, look at you,” Richard scoffed.
“Shut up, just shut up!” Tommy yelled in his face, his anger seething in ways that it never had before. “I’ve spent too many years of my life hating you, despising you for what you did to me, too many years wanting to take revenge, too many years thinking of ways to bring you down. But now, I don’t have to plot anymore.” Tommy tightened his grip on Richard’s throat as the sound of sirens suddenly broke through the night. “Now it’s your time to suffer,” he growled. “You may have stopped me from testifying back then, but rest assured you are not going to stop me from testifying now.”
“You really think that’s a viable threat, Billy?” Richard asked with a smirk. “Some psycho kid who’s afraid of his own shadow?”
“I’m not a kid anymore, and I’m not afraid,” Tommy said as he shook him again. “I’ll be there, and everything that happened here tonight, an entire courtroom is going to hear about.”
“Well again, Billy, it’s just your word, and the weight of that is minimal.”
Tommy grinned and shook his head as he stared at Richard with hatred in his eyes. “What was it you said to me the night before I was supposed to testify - your scare tactic? Big brother is always watching? Well, guess what? He was watching tonight too. See?” he asked as he pointed to the small, almost invisible, camera attached to the corner of the building. “Say hi to big brother, you fucking son of a bitch.”
* * *
It seemed like it took forever for the ambulance and the police to arrive. Their sirens sounded so close yet so far at the same time, and even with the noise of the street, the cars passing by, and the people crowding around, only two voices were heard speaking to one another as one still lay in the other’s arms, their tears mixing together as one’s heart began to beat slower than the other’s.
“Am I okay?”
“You’re okay. You’re going to be okay. Stay with me.”
“I’m with you. I’ve always been with you.”
“I know.”
* * *
Blood.
Sirens.
Voices.
And then…
* * *
Alex had never spent much time in hospitals or doctors’ offices or any place where the color white was so jarring to the senses. Everywhere she looked she saw white - doctors dressed in white, nurses dressed in white, white walls, white floors, white linens, white lights. Even her own dress was white, though now it was stained with red while her cheeks were stained with tears and her heart was stained with black. Never before had two simple words devastated her so much, leaving her feeling empty, lost, and alone in a way that she would never wish on even her worst enemy.
“I’m sorry,” the doctor had said with a sorrowful expression on his face that couldn’t even begin to compare with her own.
She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted to get on her knees and bargain with anyone who would listen if she thought it would get her back. How could this happen? How could this be her fate? This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t justice. This was the cruel irony of the chaotic world we live in. She didn’t want to believe it, but no matter how many questions she asked, no matter how many arguments she made, the harsh reality of the night was inescapable. She was gone.
As if in a daze, Alex turned around slowly to see Elliot and Cragen standing a ways in front of her. She had called Elliot once she’d reached the hospital and was told by the ER staff to wait in the lobby while the doctors did everything they could for Olivia. When he showed up with Cragen following not far behind, they both had done well in comforting her, in being optimistic, in being there for her. But she didn’t want to turn to them now. She didn’t want their comfort. How could they possibly understand? Who could possibly understand?
As Alex made her way towards them, her steps feeling like she was trudging through tar, a gentle hand suddenly rested softly on her shoulder. Before she even looked, she knew who it was, and when she turned her head, she was as relieved as she could be to see Madison standing there beside her. Neither of them spoke a word. Who really knew what to say? But as if she could hear Alex telling her, “I need your strength,” Madison wrapped her arms around the woman’s shoulders and held her close. She could understand. She did understand.
She understood the love that Alex had felt and the love that Alex had now lost. She understood the heartache, the emptiness, the complete devastation. She understood that feeling of not wanting to believe and not wanting to let go, that feeling of perfection in your grasp but then having it torn away just as it brushes the fingertips, that helpless feeling of the dark crowding in on the light, that feeling of wanting to cry to the rain and scream to the sky. That feeling.
She understood.
She was gone.
* * *
Standing in front of her casket, Alex folded her hands in front of her and stared at the ground. The funeral had been solemn of course, but it was comforting to see so many people pay their respects: Elliot, his wife Kathy, Cragen, Madison, Tommy, and dozens of others who knew and loved her well. And so many people spoke too. Elliot spoke of her loyalty and compassion. Cragen talked about her strength and her devotion. Madison remembered her kindness and her humor. And Alex…Alex spoke of her love and her heart and the human side of her that she’d been privileged to get to know, and though she was honest in front of everyone, there were still certain things that were meant for only Olivia to hear, and so after the crowds left and silence filled the air, she came back all alone.
“Hi, Liv,” Alex started nervously. “I wanted to come back and…” she paused. “I just wanted to come back.”
Shifting in her stance, Alex took a deep breath and slowly let it out. She looked up at the sky peeking in between the trees and felt the wind’s gentle breeze surround her, and feeling calmer and more prepared to say what she came back to say, she started again.
“You always told me that you’d wait for me - a million chances - but I think I was the one who’d been waiting for you. I’d been waiting all my life, in fact. Who knew that the choice I made that night to go to that bar would change everything forever, but then suddenly there you were, sitting beside me in that damn leather jacket that always made me stop and stare and probably drool a little bit,” she added with a laugh before going on. “You changed my life, Liv, you know that? You made me stronger and braver. You made me feel alive and real. You helped me become the person I’m meant to be, and I wish I could share that with you. I wish you could see that person and that she could share a life with you. But for now, that strength that I found in you - that you gave me - it’s going to have to be used for another purpose, but I promise you it will be used, Liv. I promise you we’ll make it through this - I’ll make it through this - and I’ll do it because of you, so…” Alex said as she took another deep breath, relaxing in its effect. “So, I’m not going to say goodbye, not like that, at least. I’ll spend for now mourning you, but I’ll spend forever and a day remembering you and loving the amazing woman you are.
Alex paused and stared at the casket, the flowers laid on top, and as she did she remembered Olivia’s last words to her, “I’m with you. I’ve always been with you,” and they brought tears to her eyes, but she didn’t make any efforts to brush them away. She let them fall, freely.
“I’ll talk to you soon, Liv,” she said with a faint smile through her tears before slowly walking away. “Oh, and hey,” she called as she turned around and looked back one last time, “Thank you.”
Sometimes you have to let go of the one thing you want more than anything. Sometimes all arrows, all avenues point to that one undeniable, unavoidable end. And even though there are no other options, no other alternatives, you try desperately to find another way. But none exist. Such as it was for Alex. All arrows pointed to this one path. And no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t help becoming…A Woman Undone.
Part 77
“Has the jury reached a verdict?” the judge asked sternly, peering at the twelve members from behind his thick-rimmed glasses.
“We have, your Honor,” a middle aged woman replied as she stood up to address the court.
“Will the defendant rise?” the judge ordered, the defendant and his attorney standing up as instructed.
“In the matter of the People vs. Wade,” the woman spoke slowly, “We find the defendant, Alan Wade…not guilty.”
As soon as the verdict was announced, the courtroom filled with noise and shouts and gasps while the judge hammered his gavel loudly to quiet everyone down.
“Members of the jury, we thank you for your services. Mr. Wade, you are free to go. Court is adjourned.”
Alan Wade turned to his attorney with a beaming smile on his face and shook his hand aggressively. “Lewis, you are pure genius,” he exclaimed as he pulled him into a hug and breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Richard congratulated his client on their victory, and the two men walked outside of the courthouse to greet the waiting press.
“Senator Wade, Senator Wade!” a woman with a microphone hollered from amongst the crowd, “How does it feel to leave here a free man?”
“It feels indescribable,” he replied with a wide grin, “But the credit goes to this man right here.”
Turning to his lawyer who was standing beside him, Wade gave him a little nudge in front of the eager crowd of reporters. As soon as he stepped forward, everyone quieted down and listened intently. Richard gave the speech that he’d written the night before, emphasizing all the right words in all the right places, playing to the crowd of reporters and journalists who were hungry for his every word. Though he paid his respects to the victim and his family, he couldn’t help but be arrogant in his victory. It was, after all, a shocking verdict - a surprise to everyone except Richard, hence the well-manufactured speech he was reciting at that moment. The punch lines were the best - things like, “Justice on our side,” and “Upholding the law.” No matter what he said, the reporters recorded every word, and Richard knew that come the next morning, his name would be everywhere, and it would be this recognition that would get him where he wanted to go.
Finishing up the last few words of his speech, the reporters crowded in even closer, clamoring for just a few more answers to their questions, but their efforts were in vain as Richard let his client take center stage. Stepping back to watch Senator Wade take some of the heat, Richard whispered something in the ear of a beautiful blonde woman standing beside him before giving her a kiss on the cheek. She smiled at him with excitement in her eyes as he took her hand in his own and listened to the senator speak.
“How does that verdict make you feel?” Elliot asked as he and his partner stood staring at the chaos from the other side of the street.
“You know he did it. You know Wade killed the guy,” Olivia answered as she watched the scene play out in front of the courthouse. “The wife may be defending him, but it’s probably just because she’s afraid not to. She’s probably afraid she’ll be next. First the boyfriend then the wife.”
“Well, maybe he didn’t do it.”
“Or he did, and he’s just got one hell of an attorney,” Olivia said with a grimace.
“Yeah, too bad he’s not one of the good guys,” Elliot joked as he opened the car door and climbed into the driver’s seat.
“Yeah, too bad,” Olivia agreed, taking one last look at the Senator and his attorney before sliding into the passenger seat and shutting the door.
* * *
The sound of the gunshot echoed in the streets, bouncing off the tall buildings that crowded in on the four of them from all sides. The noise was startling to Alex, causing her to jump, and as she stood there she couldn’t recall ever having heard a gun be fired before. She hadn’t expected it to be so loud. She hadn’t expected it to be so sudden. And she hadn’t expected it to go off. But the moment it did, the struggle going on in front of her came to an immediate halt. Tommy released the grip he had on Richard’s arm and gave him a shove backwards, looking down at himself and then over at Olivia. The detective took a step backwards and looked behind her at Alex. Richard, the pistol still in his hand, suddenly dropped the gun, the metal hitting the cement making a loud ringing in everyone’s ears. And Alex stood frozen in space and in time with a stunned expression on her face as she stared back at Olivia. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t speak. She could barely even breathe.
“Alex.”
* * *
“Alex, wake up, Alex!” Olivia said, gently shaking her as she lay there asleep on the couch. “Sweetie, wake up.”
“Is it over?” Alex asked groggily as her eyes slowly opened and focused on her surroundings.
“Yeah, it’s over,” Olivia laughed. “You missed pretty much all of it.”
“Well, I thought you said it was a good movie.”
“It is a good movie. It’s Lawrence of Arabia. It’s a classic.”
Alex just looked at her with a scowl on her face and shrugged her shoulders, completely disagreeing with her.
“What? Were you expecting to see a bunch of hot women riding around in the desert?” Olivia joked with her.
“Well, I was kind of hoping there’d be at least one woman who spoke in the three hours the thing was on our TV. You do realize that, don’t you?”
“Realize what?” Olivia asked as she pushed the stop button on the remote control.
“That for three hours not a single woman ever spoke a line.”
“How would you know? You fell asleep three minutes into it.”
“Just a little bit of trivia I know,” Alex said with a cocky grin. “Why else do you think I fell asleep?”
“Alright fine, Miss smarty pants. Next time, you choose the movie,” Olivia said, pretending to pout on her end of the couch.
“Fine, I will,” Alex answered, playing to Olivia’s sulky behavior just perfectly. “And next time it will have something to look at other than endless miles of sand. That wasn’t the kind of hot I was talking about, you know?”
Without hesitation, Olivia grabbed the pillow beside her and smacked Alex in the head with it. With her blonde hair flying across her face, Alex just sat there, stunned at first, but then very slowly turned her head in Olivia’s direction.
“Oh, you’re going to pay for that, Olivia Benson. Don’t think I won’t crawl across this couch and come over there.”
“No you won’t. You’re too tired, remember?”
“Well, I just had a very nice nap thanks to your Mr. Lawrence, so I am very refreshed and full of energy.”
Seeing the challenging look in Alex’s eyes, Olivia suddenly pushed off the armrest of the couch and quickly closed the distance between them. With one arm on each side of Alex’s body, she hovered above her for a moment before slowly laying down on top of her.
“Don’t you think there might be a better use for all of that energy you have?” Olivia asked with a sweet, seductive smile spread across her lips. “You know, make love, not war.”
“Mmm,” Alex moaned as she reached up and gently kissed Olivia on the mouth, “You want to make love?”
“I want to make love.”
* * *
“Alex,” Olivia said in a voice barely above a whisper.
Her heart felt like it stopped beating as she stood there and saw the blood seeping through her clothes. It felt like the life had been sucked out of her the moment she saw her fall to the ground. Her mind raced with no other thought than to get to her as fast as she could.
“Olivia!” Alex screamed as she rushed to her body and knelt down beside her.
In an absolute panic, Alex frantically grabbed Olivia in her arms, her hands shaky, unsure of what to do first. Should she call 911? Should she scream for help? Should she press down on the wound? The blood was already seeping heavily even through Olivia’s outer layer of clothing, a dark red, not bright like a surface level flesh wound. What should she do? What could she do?
As she knelt there cradling Olivia’s body and with the world seemingly spinning twice as fast, Alex could hear herself yelling at someone to call an ambulance. She could hear the cry in her voice - the fear, the anguish. And as if she was standing on the outside looking in, she could even see it in her eyes and on her face - the panic and the desperation. Only in her heart did she not see the wound the bullet had caused. Only in her heart did she not see the pain on Olivia’s face. Only in her heart did she hope that this was all just a horrible dream. But the world around her suddenly came rushing back into focus, and the inevitable was still lying in her arms.
“Olivia,” she whispered.
Alex had always been so good with words. She’d spent her entire life perfecting it as an art. Even in the most pressured situations, she usually knew what to say and how to say it, but now, in the most important moment of her life, she was at a loss. Nothing seemed good enough. “I love you,” was too small. “I need you” was too simple. “Don’t leave me” was too plain. What does a person say in a moment like that? As Alex searched desperately for the right words, Olivia gently grabbed her hand and stared up at her, only a bit of light still shining from her soulful brown eyes.
“Am I okay?” she asked, her voice calm but weak and with a slight tremor.
Alex closed her eyes and tried to fight back her tears, but they poured down her cheeks nonetheless. Olivia squeezed her hand and slowly reached up to touch the side of Alex’s tear-stained cheek.
“Am I okay?” she asked again, though this time she said it as more of a statement than a question.
Alex took a deep breath and smiled ever so faintly. “Yes, you’re okay,” she whispered as she leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips. “You’re my one and only, Olivia Benson. You are my heart, and you always will be.”
Seeing Olivia lying on the sidewalk, Alex trying to hold onto her for dear life, Tommy was filled with an uncontrollable rage and an inner strength he’d never felt in all his life. Before Richard could even move an inch, Tommy kicked the gun to the side, grabbed him by the collar, and violently slammed his back up against the metal lamppost.
“Oh, look at you,” Richard scoffed.
“Shut up, just shut up!” Tommy yelled in his face, his anger seething in ways that it never had before. “I’ve spent too many years of my life hating you, despising you for what you did to me, too many years wanting to take revenge, too many years thinking of ways to bring you down. But now, I don’t have to plot anymore.” Tommy tightened his grip on Richard’s throat as the sound of sirens suddenly broke through the night. “Now it’s your time to suffer,” he growled. “You may have stopped me from testifying back then, but rest assured you are not going to stop me from testifying now.”
“You really think that’s a viable threat, Billy?” Richard asked with a smirk. “Some psycho kid who’s afraid of his own shadow?”
“I’m not a kid anymore, and I’m not afraid,” Tommy said as he shook him again. “I’ll be there, and everything that happened here tonight, an entire courtroom is going to hear about.”
“Well again, Billy, it’s just your word, and the weight of that is minimal.”
Tommy grinned and shook his head as he stared at Richard with hatred in his eyes. “What was it you said to me the night before I was supposed to testify - your scare tactic? Big brother is always watching? Well, guess what? He was watching tonight too. See?” he asked as he pointed to the small, almost invisible, camera attached to the corner of the building. “Say hi to big brother, you fucking son of a bitch.”
* * *
It seemed like it took forever for the ambulance and the police to arrive. Their sirens sounded so close yet so far at the same time, and even with the noise of the street, the cars passing by, and the people crowding around, only two voices were heard speaking to one another as one still lay in the other’s arms, their tears mixing together as one’s heart began to beat slower than the other’s.
“Am I okay?”
“You’re okay. You’re going to be okay. Stay with me.”
“I’m with you. I’ve always been with you.”
“I know.”
* * *
Blood.
Sirens.
Voices.
And then…
* * *
Alex had never spent much time in hospitals or doctors’ offices or any place where the color white was so jarring to the senses. Everywhere she looked she saw white - doctors dressed in white, nurses dressed in white, white walls, white floors, white linens, white lights. Even her own dress was white, though now it was stained with red while her cheeks were stained with tears and her heart was stained with black. Never before had two simple words devastated her so much, leaving her feeling empty, lost, and alone in a way that she would never wish on even her worst enemy.
“I’m sorry,” the doctor had said with a sorrowful expression on his face that couldn’t even begin to compare with her own.
She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted to get on her knees and bargain with anyone who would listen if she thought it would get her back. How could this happen? How could this be her fate? This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t justice. This was the cruel irony of the chaotic world we live in. She didn’t want to believe it, but no matter how many questions she asked, no matter how many arguments she made, the harsh reality of the night was inescapable. She was gone.
As if in a daze, Alex turned around slowly to see Elliot and Cragen standing a ways in front of her. She had called Elliot once she’d reached the hospital and was told by the ER staff to wait in the lobby while the doctors did everything they could for Olivia. When he showed up with Cragen following not far behind, they both had done well in comforting her, in being optimistic, in being there for her. But she didn’t want to turn to them now. She didn’t want their comfort. How could they possibly understand? Who could possibly understand?
As Alex made her way towards them, her steps feeling like she was trudging through tar, a gentle hand suddenly rested softly on her shoulder. Before she even looked, she knew who it was, and when she turned her head, she was as relieved as she could be to see Madison standing there beside her. Neither of them spoke a word. Who really knew what to say? But as if she could hear Alex telling her, “I need your strength,” Madison wrapped her arms around the woman’s shoulders and held her close. She could understand. She did understand.
She understood the love that Alex had felt and the love that Alex had now lost. She understood the heartache, the emptiness, the complete devastation. She understood that feeling of not wanting to believe and not wanting to let go, that feeling of perfection in your grasp but then having it torn away just as it brushes the fingertips, that helpless feeling of the dark crowding in on the light, that feeling of wanting to cry to the rain and scream to the sky. That feeling.
She understood.
She was gone.
* * *
Standing in front of her casket, Alex folded her hands in front of her and stared at the ground. The funeral had been solemn of course, but it was comforting to see so many people pay their respects: Elliot, his wife Kathy, Cragen, Madison, Tommy, and dozens of others who knew and loved her well. And so many people spoke too. Elliot spoke of her loyalty and compassion. Cragen talked about her strength and her devotion. Madison remembered her kindness and her humor. And Alex…Alex spoke of her love and her heart and the human side of her that she’d been privileged to get to know, and though she was honest in front of everyone, there were still certain things that were meant for only Olivia to hear, and so after the crowds left and silence filled the air, she came back all alone.
“Hi, Liv,” Alex started nervously. “I wanted to come back and…” she paused. “I just wanted to come back.”
Shifting in her stance, Alex took a deep breath and slowly let it out. She looked up at the sky peeking in between the trees and felt the wind’s gentle breeze surround her, and feeling calmer and more prepared to say what she came back to say, she started again.
“You always told me that you’d wait for me - a million chances - but I think I was the one who’d been waiting for you. I’d been waiting all my life, in fact. Who knew that the choice I made that night to go to that bar would change everything forever, but then suddenly there you were, sitting beside me in that damn leather jacket that always made me stop and stare and probably drool a little bit,” she added with a laugh before going on. “You changed my life, Liv, you know that? You made me stronger and braver. You made me feel alive and real. You helped me become the person I’m meant to be, and I wish I could share that with you. I wish you could see that person and that she could share a life with you. But for now, that strength that I found in you - that you gave me - it’s going to have to be used for another purpose, but I promise you it will be used, Liv. I promise you we’ll make it through this - I’ll make it through this - and I’ll do it because of you, so…” Alex said as she took another deep breath, relaxing in its effect. “So, I’m not going to say goodbye, not like that, at least. I’ll spend for now mourning you, but I’ll spend forever and a day remembering you and loving the amazing woman you are.
Alex paused and stared at the casket, the flowers laid on top, and as she did she remembered Olivia’s last words to her, “I’m with you. I’ve always been with you,” and they brought tears to her eyes, but she didn’t make any efforts to brush them away. She let them fall, freely.
“I’ll talk to you soon, Liv,” she said with a faint smile through her tears before slowly walking away. “Oh, and hey,” she called as she turned around and looked back one last time, “Thank you.”
Sometimes you have to let go of the one thing you want more than anything. Sometimes all arrows, all avenues point to that one undeniable, unavoidable end. And even though there are no other options, no other alternatives, you try desperately to find another way. But none exist. Such as it was for Alex. All arrows pointed to this one path. And no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t help becoming…A Woman Undone.