A Woman Undone: Part 73/?

[whatisayouth]

Greetings Gals!  So here we are, so close to the end.  Can you feel it?  Lol!  Are we all pulling for our happy ending?  I did share the ending with kazza the other day, and I must say that it went over remarkably well with her, so don't lose hope for a memorable end.  In the mean time, here is part 73.  I dedicate this part to darholland because it's her birthday tomorrow.  Thank you for always making me laugh, love, and the rest of us I'm sure.  Happy reading!

Part 73

As soon as Alex sat down, she wasted no time in ordering something to drink. What was great about this place was that the bartenders were friendly but not too friendly. They were nice enough to get good tips but smart enough to mind their own business. And that’s exactly what she needed tonight - someone to just give her what she wanted with no questions asked, no funny looks, and no judgments. She sat there through most of the night, sipping on drink after drink and every once in a while turning away an interested admirer who had taken the trouble to walk all the way across the room to ask her name only to find out that it was “not interested” or “buzz off” or even the look of death. Alex wasn’t interested in the many casual encounters should could have had that night. She just wanted to be left alone.

“Well here’s a sight I never thought I’d see,” a voice said from behind her. “Mind if I sit down?”

Alex looked up to see Madison standing beside her with a concerned look on her face, and before she could answer, the woman had sat down in the seat next to her. Alex was actually surprised to see her there, and she looked around to see if anyone else was with her.

“I’m alone,” Madison said, reacting to Alex’s searching eyes. “But by the looks of it, you’re even more alone than I am.”

Alex just laughed and looked down at her near empty glass before bringing it to her lips and finishing it off. She could feel the alcohol pour down her throat and course through her body, relaxing every limb and every nerve save for the one leading to her heart. Her heart still ached with every beat that pounded in her chest and reverberated in her ears, and the more she drank, the more painful the ache and the louder the pounding. But she ordered another drink anyway.

“How may drinks have you had?” Madison asked her after the bartender set down another one in front of her.

“One…after another,” Alex responded.

Madison laughed at the ADA’s reply, seeing that she wasn’t so inebriated as to have lost her wit.

“So, how drunk are you?” she asked gently so as not to upset or offend her with the insinuation that she might be on the verge of losing complete control.

“Not drunk enough. I can still feel.”

“So you’re here tonight to cut off all feeling by dunking your body in alcohol?”

“Yep,” Alex answered proudly.

“Wow, you sound like Liv. She’s not here too, is she?” Madison joked pretending to look around for her friend.

At the mention of the detective’s name, Alex looked at the woman next to her and just stared at her. At first, Madison was too busy taking a sip of her drink to notice that Alex’s eyes were fixed on her, but as the seconds passed she could feel the stare, and she slowly turned in her seat to face her.

“What?” Madison asked as she put her glass down in front of her.

“Nothing…just…” Alex stuttered. “Have you heard from Olivia?”

“You mean today?”

“I mean in general.”

“Nope,” Madison answered, “The woman has disappeared, and until I saw you here tonight, I figured you were the reason, but I guess I was wrong.”

“Is that supposed to be some sort of subtle jab?”

“Um, no,” Madison said confused. “I just thought that she’d been busy with you, but now you’re asking me if I’ve heard from her, so I’m guessing that the two of you aren’t in communication with each other, at least outside of work.”

“Oh we’ve talked alright,” Alex told her, the distress apparent in her words.

“That doesn’t sound pleasant.”

“Well, no, it wasn’t exactly a delight.”

“So then, what, are you two back in high school again not talking to each other?” Madison asked with a grin.

“No, we graduated,” Alex answered flatly.

“Okay, so then I guess it’s not immaturity that’s keeping the two of you apart.”

“Ah, another subtle jab.”

“No, not a jab. Just…man, I’m tired of cleaning up your guys’ mess,” Madison said jokingly.

“No one asked you to,” Alex answered a little more rudely than she intended.

“Right, well, when your best friend is as stubborn as Olivia is, and she’s in love with a woman who’s completely lost and confused, can you blame me for getting in there and trying to sort things out? I mean, you two certainly aren’t helping each other out otherwise you wouldn’t be here tonight drinking your body weight in liquor.”

Out of everything that Madison had just said, Alex latched on to only one part.

“You think I’m lost and confused?” she asked with sadness in her voice.

“Yeah, I do,” Madison said with a laugh. “You’re, uh…you’re very complex, Alex, which is probably why Olivia why she loves you so much.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Liv’s not a simple person either,” Madison answered. “She could never lead a simple life. If it’s not hectic around her, then it just doesn’t work for her, so it makes sense that she’d fall for you.”

“You think I add to the craziness that’s her life?” Alex asked a little put off by the words she was hearing.

“I think…” Madison paused and looked down at the drink in front of her before looking directly at Alex and continuing. “I think with all of the indecisiveness that goes on between you two, yeah, I do think you add some craziness, but I also think you add something to her life that, until she met you, she never even knew existed.

“And what might that be?” Alex asked with a stone cold expression on her face, ready for whatever harshness she may hear.

“Love,” Madison said with another laugh as if it were the easiest answer in the world, “Pure, unadulterated love - the kind that you read about in those romance novels but never really think exists. And I’m not just talking about your love for her. I’m also talking about her love for you. You do know that, right? You…Alex, do you know how much she loves you?”

“Of course I do,” she answered as she turned her head away trying to hide the guilt and shame bubbling their way to the surface.

“Alex, look at me,” Madison told her softly. When Alex finally lifted her eyes up, Madison stared directly into them and spoke honestly. “No one knows Olivia better than I do except maybe Elliot, but from a woman’s intuition and point of view, your detective would be lost without you.”

“I’d be lost without her too.”

“Alex, you’re lost in general,” Madison said slightly on the teasing side but meant it seriously too.

“Yeah, well, I guess I’m here trying to find my way, right?” Alex said in agreement.

“I don’t know. What are you doing here? What…I mean…what are you doing?”

Alex didn’t answer straight away mostly because she didn’t really have an answer. She honestly didn’t know what she was doing, whether it be here or with Olivia or anything having to do with her. All she knew was that she hurt and that she wasn’t alone in her pain. She’d hurt the one woman she swore to herself she’d never hurt again, and for what, or better yet, for whom? Some controlling, manipulative creep who had become the bane of her existence? Yes, she shamefully admitted to herself the truth. But now that was over.

“I ended things with Richard,” Alex suddenly spoke up, her tone neither happy nor proud, but monotonous in stating a fact.

“That’s…” Madison beamed, unsure if she should be openly excited or be a little more reserved in her response, but before she even had a chance to decide, Alex continued talking.

“I ended things with Olivia too.”

Just like that, the light at the end of the tunnel that Madison saw for her best friend and the woman she loved was dimmed, if not moved another hundred miles away.

“You ended things with Liv?” she asked in total disbelief.

“Yep,” Alex replied as she raised her chin up a notch, almost in arrogance, but Madison knew better to know that it wasn’t arrogance that was making her behave this way. It was insecurity and sadness.

“Did you end both tonight?”

“Yeah,” Alex answered with a sigh as she took another sip of her drink.

“Which did you do first?”

“Does it matter?” Alex asked stubbornly, but when she saw the irritated look on Madison’s face, she decided it best to answer her directly. “I put an end to things with Olivia tonight at the precinct, and I told Richard to fuck off right afterwards when I got home.”

“Well, kudos to you for telling the asshole to jump ship,” Madison said sarcastically before she finished the rest of her drink and slammed the glass down in front of her. When Alex jumped at the sudden noise, Madison shook her head and stood up to leave. “Well, Alex, I don’t know what to say, but I have to go, so good luck, alright?”

Alex didn’t say anything. She didn’t even look up at her as she left. She just sat there, lost and confused, until Madison suddenly came rushing back to the bar in a fury.

“You know, Alex, for someone who’s just ended two relationships back to back, you’re eerily calm,” she snapped at her as she grabbed her by the shoulder and whipped her around. “Do you have any emotions at all?”

“Of course I have emotions. What do you think I’m doing here?” Alex shot back even though she knew it wasn’t the best answer or defense.

“Drinking is not being emotional,” Madison replied firmly. “Drinking is drinking. Drinking is suppressing your emotions because you’re too fucking afraid to actually feel them.”

With Madison’s harsh, reprimanding tone, Alex sobered up in an instant and stared back at her with a mixture of shock and annoyance on her face.

“What do you know about it, huh?” Alex fought back, her face turning red with anger. “You chastise and judge me for being lost and confused when what do you really know? You think that just because you’ve talked to me a couple of times that you know me, that you know my life, that you know what I’m going through? You know nothing about me, Madison, so how dare you come here and reprimand me. I’d rather you just said hi and then went merrily on your way.”

Madison just stood there in front of her, her eyes dodging back and forth, looking at everything except Alex. She had to admit that Alex’s sudden outburst surprised her and left her momentarily speechless, and though it was good to see her put her rhetoric skills to some good use, she began to feel sorry for anyone Alex ever got into an argument with, including Olivia.

“Well at least there’s some emotion,” Madison said with a nervous laugh accompanied by a hesitant grin, “Even if it’s just anger.”

“Just anger? You think my anger is unwarranted?”

“No, I don’t think your anger is unwarranted,” Madison answered carefully, “But I guess it depends on who you’re angry with.”

“You hoping it’s not you?”

“Honestly,” Madison answered, “I don’t care if it’s with me.  I haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Right, and I have,” Alex shot back.

“Well…”

“You don’t need to say anything else. You’ve made your point perfectly clear tonight, Madison. Thank you.”

“Obviously I haven’t made my point perfectly clear,” the woman defended herself. “I’m not here to tear you down, Alex.”

“Why not? I deserve it, don’t I?”

“You know,” Madison said as she sat down again, careful not to let her words turn to anger, “Most people would be like, ‘I’m not going to let you do this to my friend,’ blah, blah, blah, but I’m not like that. That’s not why I’m here. I’m not going to let you do this to yourself, Alex, because whether you believe it or not, Olivia is your other half. You’re her other half. You need each other. You’re the…you’re the tomatoes to her spaghetti, you know?

“You’re comparing me to tomatoes?” Alex asked, almost insulted.

“It’s a bad metaphor. Deal with it,” Madison joked with her. “You get my point.”

Alex laughed and nodded her head in understanding. “Speaking of tomatoes, a Bloody Mary sounds great right about now. Bartender!” she called to the young man who’d been serving her drink after drink all evening long. “A Bloody Mary.”

“No, she’s done,” Madison cut in, pushing away the wad of bills that Alex had in her hand. “We’re both done.”

The bartender looked back and forth between the two women, unsure of whom to listen to, when Madison reached into her pocket and handed him a large bill.

“This is for you. Don’t give her anything else to drink,” she ordered him.

The young man nodded cautiously and quietly thanked her for the tip before walking away to let his patrons iron things out on their own. Alex followed him with her eyes until they landed on Madison who had a rather irritated expression on her face.

“What?” Alex asked as if she had no clue as to why the woman might be frustrated with her.

“C’mon, let’s go get a table where I can talk to you.”

“Oh, I think you’ve said enough for one night.”

“And yet, you’re still sitting here wanting to drink, so I must not have said what I wanted you to hear.”

“Maybe it’s not all about you talking,” Alex fought back. Madison gave her a quizzical look, urging her to continue. “Maybe it’s about me talking.”

“Then talk,” Madison said as she glanced over at a table in a secluded corner of the room.

Alex finally gave up on her stubbornness and allowed Madison to lead her to the small booth where both of them sat down. For the first time since they’d seen each other that night, neither of them knew what to say, but the silence wasn’t unsettling. In fact, it was welcomed. The two of them looked at the people milling around the place. There was a couple arguing loudly on the far side of the room, another couple laughing and joking around. There was a large group sitting at a table being rambunctious while another large group sat back in their chairs enjoying a pleasant conversation. There were people eating, drinking, laughing, fighting, talking, dancing - everyone in their own little worlds without a thought as to what anyone else was doing.

As Alex’s eyes circled the room, they stopped at the front door and fell on a woman who had just come in. Alex watched her as she slowly made her way to the bar and sat down. She appeared to be alone, as she never once looked around her for a familiar face. The bartender didn’t even bother taking her order before he set down a drink in front of her. No words were exchanged between them - just silent glances - and Alex figured the woman had definitely been to this place before. As she and Madison sat at their table, Alex couldn’t help but feel a pang of sympathy for the woman sitting at the bar as she drank drink after drink, her composure lessening and lessening with every empty glass that hit the bar. The woman just sat there alone. No one spoke to her, and save for Alex, no one even noticed her. She was a ghost. She was a figment of even her own imagination, that’s how far removed she was from her body and mind. Alex wondered what it was that brought this woman to the bar tonight. Was it a bad day at work? Was it a broken heart? Anger? Confusion? Defeat? Self-loathing? Madison sat back in her seat and watched as Alex’s expression turned from curiosity to sympathy to absolute sadness, and she breathed a subtle sigh of relief when she saw the tears start to form in her eyes. Alexandra Cabot wasn’t emotionless after all.

“I love her,” Alex finally spoke, the despair so evident in her words. “I love her so much, and yet it’s like I don’t know how to love her.”

Madison didn’t say a word. She barely even moved. She simply sat there and let Alex speak the words she had long kept suppressed in her heart and mind, honored that she would speak them at all and yet afraid that one wrong move could silence her forever.

“This is all so new to me, obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t keep screwing things up,” she continued as she wiped away a single tear that had made its way down her cheek. Alex didn’t know why she was opening up to her the way she was. After all, they barely even knew each other, but there was something about Madison - something inviting - that just drew the words right out of her. “I’ve taken something so good and so beautiful and turned it into a nightmare, and now that I’m on the verge of never being able to recover it, I have to ask myself why? Why did I complicate things so much? What was the point? Was there a point?”

Madison looked at her and gave her a sympathetic smile, but knew not to answer the rhetorical question. Folding her hands together in front of her, she waited for Alex to continue.

“I used to think that it was always worth it to endure pain now to obtain something better in the future, but what if that something better in the future is completely lost because you acted too stupidly before? Then what’s the point?”

“You didn’t act stupidly, Alex,” Madison said softly. “You just didn’t act.”

“Yes, and now regret is the bane of my existence,” Alex replied, shaking her head. “You know what it was? I took her for granted. I took it for granted that she’d always love me and that she’d always be there for me and that she’d always wait for me…a million chances,” she quietly added at the end before her voice trailed off and the tears started coming harder.

Whoever would have thought that crying could feel so good - like releasing a pressure valve - for that’s exactly what it was for Alex. It was beyond cathartic. It had almost become physically necessary. She didn’t even try to wipe away the tears now. She just let them pour out of her, and though they weren’t solving anything, her mind felt clearer and better able to solve things, to fix the mess she’d made of everything.

“It feels good to cry, doesn’t it?” Madison asked after nothing had been said between the two of them for several minutes.

Alex sighed heavily and smiled meekly through her tears. “You know, I’ve always prided myself on being this emotionless robot who just…who doesn’t let things get to her, who doesn’t feel anything, who lets things ricochet right off of her, and so far it’s worked for me. Emotional pain isn’t really something I’ve ever had to deal with. I’ve managed to find ways to avoid it, and so now, it’s like this overwhelming force that’s just…”

“The bane of your existence?” Madison asked.

“Yeah.”

“It doesn’t have to be, Alex. It doesn’t have to be something that you’re afraid of or that defeats you. It’s just something that is. It’s not a defining force or a defining moment in your life.”

“Oh, but see, that’s where you’re wrong,” Alex said with a smile. “This is a defining moment in my life. This is that fork in the road where I choose to go left or right. Do I go back to Olivia or do I go home?”

“You think Olivia wants to see you, that it’s not too late?” Madison asked, playing the devil’s advocate.

“Do you?”

“I’m not Olivia, and no offense, but I don’t love you the way she does,” Madison answered. “However, if I know Olivia, she’s probably doing the same thing tonight that you were doing and what that woman at the bar is still doing.”

“Drinking her body weight in liquor?”

“Yep,” Madison replied with a nod.

“Then I’d better go,” Alex said as she reached into her purse and pulled out a small mirror to check her face.

Madison smiled at Alex’s self-consciousness, and as she watched her try to remove the tear stains from her cheeks, curiosity struck her. “What did you tell Olivia were your reasons for ending things with her?” she asked.

“I told her that she deserves to be happy and that she shouldn’t have to wait for me.”

“So the whole ‘I’m doing this for you’ thing.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Alex said in defense.

“No, martyring yourself is…is very common,” Madison told her before she looked away towards the openness of the bar.

“Common? What do you mean, common?” Alex asked, drawing Madison’s attention back to their table.

“It’s justification in your head that you’ve done the right thing by someone else when in reality it’s killing you. It’s a way to try to make yourself feel better when in reality it’s tearing you apart.”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense,” Alex said in agreement. “You’ve taught me a lot tonight.”

“And they say a bar isn’t an educational environment,” Madison said with a laugh.

The two women finally stood up from their booth and headed towards the door, nodding towards the bartender before they left.

“So I’m guessing you’re heading to Liv’s?” Madison asked as they stood outside on the sidewalk.

“At this time of night?” Alex replied, glancing at her watch. “It’s almost two in the morning. Oh my god, it’s almost two in the morning!” Alex repeated in disbelief. “What the hell happened?”

“Time flies when you’re having fun,” Madison said as she hailed a cab. “So, you’re going to Liv’s, right?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” Alex stuttered suddenly realizing that she was going to have to face Olivia tonight rather than tomorrow.

“Good, then we can share a cab since I live in that direction.”

The two women got in the taxi and gave the driver Olivia’s address. The ride there was quick and relatively silent given the fact that they were pretty talked out from earlier in the evening, or rather, the morning. A few minutes later, the cab pulled up outside of Olivia’s building, and Alex stepped out. Madison noticed the calmness and determination on her face, but she couldn’t help but wonder how determined she actually was.

“Alex,” she called after her right before she shut the door, “How do I know that if I drop you off here that you’re not just going to go home and…”

“Screw things up again?”

“Yeah,” Madison answered with a laugh.

“You don’t have to walk me up there,” Alex assured her.

“Yeah, but how do I know that tomorrow night isn’t going to be a repeat of tonight?”

Alex smiled and gave her hand a squeeze. “Because I’m her tomato.”