Delicate Balance, Ch. 44/44
Olivia's alarm went off shockingly early the next morning and the abrasive noise startled Alex from a deep and sound slumber. She felt Olivia shift in the sheets, groaning to herself before subconsciously smacking the clock quiet again and returning to sleep within mere seconds. A few minutes later, the alarm went off again and Olivia repeated her previous actions and turned off the alarm again. Alex turned over in the bed to face Olivia, who was facing away from her. She's so beautiful, Alex thought, examining the curl of her spine as it traveled down her back before disappearing into the burgundy sheets. How did I get so lucky? Alex wanted to drape her arm over Olivia's waist, pull her close, and kiss her shoulder good morning, but she couldn't read Olivia's thoughts with her facing away from her so instead of following through with her instincts, she lay quietly on her side for Olivia to wake up on her own terms.
As she waited for the brunette to awaken, her mind raced with conflicting messages about what her relationship with Olivia was becoming. The passion between them last night had been so intense and it was unlike anything Alex had ever experienced before in her life. She was nervous about what was to transpire that morning in her apartment, and she was even more worrisome about seeing the detective at work later in the afternoon. Olivia was to appear in court for Alex today. She knew she could keep up her end of their bargain while still maintaining their intimacy behind closed doors, but she hoped that Olivia could do the same by understanding that work and their relationship were to be kept strictly separate.
Additionally, Olivia had already been in a relationship with a woman before, whereas Alex really had not. Even though Anya had been unfaithful to Olivia, she was never ashamed of their relationship and Alex could only hope that faithfulness meant more to Olivia than openness. She told herself that their relationship needed to be hushed due to their jobs and it was, but she didn't want Olivia to accuse her of being a closet case, even though she was, but that wasn't what their secret was all about. Or maybe it is? She disregarded that thought, going full circle in her mind, knowing the real reason for the secrecy was their positions at work and the intimate nature of their jobs. She would not let personal relationships jeopardize her career goals, even with someone as wonderful as Olivia.
Between the latter few buzzing of the alarm, Olivia lay awake in bed, facing away from Alex, concerned about how they would keep their relations a secret from everyone that they worked with. Her job was among specialized detectives and whether she liked it or not, they knew everything about her. She was fretful about Elliot. She knew he would eventually figure out that something was going on between her and Alex. Even if Alex woke up this morning full of buyer's remorse, which Olivia hoped to God that she didn't, she knew that Elliot would somehow know that something had happened. It was only a matter of time and when the time came, she was worried about how Alex would react. Not more than one day into their secret, and Olivia couldn't stop the negativity and what-ifs from berating her mind in the waking dawn. Maybe after last night, Alex wouldn't want to keep it a secret after all. She could only hope, but realistically, she knew that the promise of silence was going to still be expected of her.
To counteract her pessimism, she focused on the things that she did know. What she knew was that she was sharing her wonderfully comfortable bed with the most beautiful woman she had ever known. She also knew that Alex had consciously made love to her the night before and couldn't claim that she was drunk or emotionally unstable in order to dismiss the night's events. And then she remembered how Alex had told her that she was beautiful - gorgeous even, which warmed her heart all over again.
When she felt Alex shift in the bed beside her, she decided to turn around to face her fears head on, hoping that nothing had changed between them from the night before. Nothing had changed in her mind and she hoped that Alex would still feel the same for her as well in the morning after. Alex looked back at her with those sharp blue eyes of hers and smiled, which quieted Olivia's paranoid mind. Even in the early morning, with her hair tangled in all directions and without a stitch of make up, Alex was a classically beautiful woman.
Olivia bid her a good morning and ran her fingers though Alex's blonde hair, touching her neck tenderly and gave Alex a kiss. Alex shifted over to Olivia and draped her arm over Olivia's chest, pulling her close and laying her head upon her shoulder in an effort to tell her that nothing had changed from the previous evening without using words. She was relieved that Olivia seemed content and relaxed by her gesture and when she wrapped her arm around her back, it confirmed for her that Olivia was not regretful either.
Alex tried to peek over Olivia to look at the clock. When she couldn't see the time, she asked Olivia what time it was.
"It's 5:30." Olivia said.
"God that's early, Liv. The sun's not even up!" Alex complained, burying her face into Olivia's neck.
Olivia laughed and shifted underneath Alex to get up. She found her tattered but comfortable old robe on the floor and put it on. "Well, I figured you'd have to head all way uptown to get a change of clothes so I set it pretty early."
Alex groaned, "I guess you're right." Alex rolled over onto her stomach, and watched Olivia pull the robe around herself, but not tying the belt. "God, you are sexy, Liv."
Olivia smiled back at Alex, still amazed that someone as attractive as Alex found her to be equally attractive. "You think so?" Olivia asked, giving Alex a kiss on the forehead.
"I know so." Alex sat up in bed, pulling a sheet over herself, and dangling her legs over the side, looking up at Olivia. She grabbed the end of Olivia's robe and tugged her back towards the bed. Olivia embraced her as Alex wrapped her legs around her torso and rested her head on Olivia's chest.
Olivia ran her fingers through Alex's hair, smoothing it down a little. "Don't think I'm trying to kick you out or anything, but you really should get going if you want to get to work on time."
Alex mumbled something under her breath, knowing Olivia was right. She was not looking forward to going all the way home on the upper east side before turning around and heading all the way back downtown to get to work all because she didn't have an extra pair of clothes to wear.
"You should be more prepared next time you spend the night at my apartment, Alex." Olivia suggested.
"Next time?" Alex asked, raising her eyebrows, curious when she'd get to see Olivia again.
Olivia snickered, stepping away from between Alex's legs. "Yes. Did you think I only wanted to see you once?"
"I was hoping you wouldn't." Alex said, running her fingers beneath Olivia's robe and kissing her belly.
Olivia dropped down to her ankles in front of Alex on the bed, and covered herself with her robe. "How is this going to work, Alex?"
Alex smiled, and ran her fingers through Olivia's short hair. "We just have to maintain a certain amount of distance at work, Liv. In a way, we have to pretend as if nothing happened as to not raise suspicion. But don't allow yourself to think that I believe that nothing happened. I loved every second of what we shared last night, Liv, and I look forward to seeing you again. But at work, we have to be at least a little indifferent to one another. I don't want you to take sides with me when you feel that Elliot is right if a discrepancy arises just because we're dating. My feelings will not be hurt. I want you to do your job and allow me to do mine. We'll have to learn how to separate our feelings at work from our feelings..." she almost said 'at home' but searched for a better phrase, "outside of work. It will be hard, but I know we can do it. You mean too much to me for it to not work."
"If you say so." Olivia sighed, doubtful and taking Alex's hand and kissing the palm. "But Elliot's going to figure it out. I know he is."
"No, he won't, Olivia." Alex protested. "I understand the pressure that you're under, but you said yourself a few weeks ago that he didn't know every detail about your life. This has to be one of those details you keep from him."
"This is more than a little detail, Alex." Olivia said with a bitter smirk, rising from her haunches and stepping away.
Alex grabbed Olivia's hand, stopping her. "Hey." Olivia wouldn't look back at her. "Liv." Alex said to get her attention, gently touching her hand and arm to get her to turn around. When Olivia did, she continued. "I know that this is more than just a detail." Alex rose from the bed and stood behind Olivia, wrapping her arms around her waist and kissing the back of her smooth shoulder under her robe. "You can always just give me a different name if that would make it easier for you when Elliot starts asking questions."
This was getting all too complicated for Olivia, but she wanted a relationship with Alex more than ever and she was willing to do anything to be with her. She knew Alex didn't want their relationship to be behind closed doors because she was ashamed of Olivia. She was asking this of her because the very nature of their jobs was going to require it of them. She thought about giving Alex a fake name and wondered if it would make any difference. She supposed that it wouldn't hurt; that when the questions started coming at her from Elliot, she could at least be prepared with a name. He already knew someone was interested in her with the flowers Alex's had sent to her yesterday.
As Olivia washed up in the bathroom, thinking about everything under the sun, Alex dressed quickly, knowing she had very little time to get home before heading back downtown in order to be in the office by nine. She would definitely be bringing a change of clothes with her next time.
Olivia gave Alex a kiss goodbye at the door, and Olivia held onto her fingers as long as possible before Alex slipped away and out into the hallway to go home. Olivia stood in her doorway, still wearing the grey robe and leaning her head against the doorframe.
"When will I see you again?" Alex asked, turning around before getting to the elevator.
Olivia shrugged with a smile. "Today at trial, I would imagine." Olivia joked, knowing she had to testify for Alex that afternoon.
"You know what I mean, Liv." Alex said, shifting her weight and crossing her arms with a smile. She lit up the down button of the elevator.
"Well, is Friday," Olivia answered. "Unless the shit hits the fan at work, I don't see why we couldn't go out tonight if you wanted."
"I'd like that." Alex smiled, stepping back to Olivia and giving her another kiss. The elevator doors opened and Alex went in.
"I'll call and let you know." She nodded to Alex as the doors closed in front of her, taking her back to the reality that awaited her outside.
Olivia closed her apartment door and walked to the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for the day. She desperately wanted their relationship to work, and she wanted the two of them to be able to work around each other as professionals. She wanted them to have their cake and eat it too, as it were. Before she stepped into the shower, she looked out her bedroom window, pleased that spring was on its way. With the rebirth of New York City after such a cold and unforgiving winter, Olivia was optimistic that she too could be reborn.
She wanted to take it slow with Alex to some degree, but she recognized the fact that she already had racing feelings for her. She hoped Alex would soon feel the same for her. She felt confident that she could leave Anya and their past behind and focus on building a relationship with Alex without disrupting the dedication that she had for her job. It would be a challenge, but it was one that Olivia was up for and would face head on. She would not deny herself from being happy for the rest of her life, and she felt there was a good possibility of achieving true happiness with Alexandra Cabot. She would do whatever it took to ensure that Alex did not slip through her fingers.
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