Lean On Me, Chapter Three
Author: Alex_Axle
Fandom: SVU
Characters: Alex Cabot/Olivia Benson, George Huang/Original Male Character
Rating: M
Warning: Violence, disability
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Summary: After witnessing a shooting, Alex is overwhelmed with guilt and traumatic stress. Olivia reaches out to her, but will it be enough?
A/N: Sorry I was so slow in updating this! I had writer's block. I was at point B and I knew where point C was, but I couldn't get there. I think I got it right now, though. That said, please don't kill me for the end of this chapter. *Hides*
Time passed in a blur for Alex.
Olivia returned, saying that George's parents hadn't answered the phone and his sister was out of town on business but had promised to fly into New York on the next available flight. Adam left and called his own family, looking heartbroken, though he looked slightly better when he returned.
Olivia sat next to her, trying to soothe her without touching her or saying anything. It worked, sort of. Her presence did have a calming effect on Alex, but not enough. Neither she or Adam would be okay unless a doctor came out of the operating room and told them that George would be okay.
Hours passed. Fin and Munch left at one point and returned with food from the hospital kitchen for everyone. "It's getting late, and an empty stomach will only worsen the nervousness," they reasoned.
Alex wanted to refuse- she honestly felt sick to her stomach because of everything that was happening- but she hadn't had anything since breakfast and she was starving. She sighed, reluctantly accepting a roast beef sandwich. She wasn't the biggest meat eater on the planet, yet another reason not to eat it. She stared down at the sandwich and tried to make it look more appealing. It looked like the most disgusting thing ever assembled, even though she knew it was probably decent for hospital food. She huffed quietly and started to pick it up.
"Alex, wait," Olivia said before Alex could touch the food itself. "You need to wash your hands."
Alex looked down and saw that her hands were stained dark red from George's blood, the crimson having darkened and faded a little as it dried. Her eyes watered slightly, but her voice was steady when she said, "I don't want to leave here, Olivia. I want to be here if…" She trailed off, not wanting to mention any worst-case scenarios in front of Adam, who was already distraught. "I want to be here if they have any updates," she said instead.
"And keeping your hands dirty and bloody and eating with them is better?" Olivia challenged. "We'll tell you right away if anything changes, you know we will."
A nearby nurse heard their argument and walked forward. "Ma'am, you can use one of our showers if you wish. I can lend you a pair of hospital scrubs," she offered kindly.
"Or, I have an extra shirt and pair of pants in my trunk," Olivia supplied. "I keep them with me in case I pull an extremely long shift. I think the shirt at least would fit you. The pants are a little iffy."
"Okay, that sounds good," Alex relented, knowing that there was no use arguing. Everyone would band together to wear her down anyway. She looked at the nurse and Olivia and asked them, "Can you show me and her to the room? And Olivia, can you bring the clothes there?"
"Of course," Olivia said. She stood and walked out of the room, while the nurse- her nametag identified her as Ashley- guided Alex towards the shower. Eventually they reached their destination and Alex walked in.
"I'll show Detective Benson where you are when she comes back," Ashley said.
"Thank you," Alex said. She closed the door and stripped down. Then she stepped in the shower and turned it on, making the water nice and cool due to the temperature outside. She gradually turned it up, knowing that warm water would be better for washing off.
There was a soap dispenser attached to the side of the shower, so she pressed it and got some on her hands. Some of the caked blood started to loosen, but not all of it.
She shivered, looking down at herself. More of George's blood was covering her than she had thought. It felt so symbolic. If she had noticed earlier, George wouldn't have gotten shot. His blood was on her hands both literally and figuratively.
Images kept flashing in her head. She kept seeing George collapsing on top of her, the blood pouring out of the wound on his abdomen. She felt so scared, and there wasn't a single thing she could do except hope and pray, which were still useless as far as she was concerned. It worked well for others, but not her.
"George," she whispered helplessly, watching the scene again. She felt him shiver under her hands, saw the strength fading from his body, felt the blood gushing out of him.
She should have protected him. It was her fault he got hurt and Adam has to think about what might happen without George in his life.
She bit her lip. She had done so many things wrong. She hadn't been alert to the danger. She hadn't reacted fast enough. She hadn't let George know that he didn't need to put himself in danger to save her. She hadn't done first aid well enough, hadn't stopped the bleeding. She hadn't said anything to reassure him. She hadn't-
She heard a knock on the door. "Alex?" Olivia's voice called. "You okay?"
"Y-Yeah, Liv," Alex stammered. "I'm fine. The curtain's pulled, so come in."
Olivia entered the room. "Here are the pants and shirt. I'll set them on the sink for you, okay?"
"Yeah, thanks," Alex said softly. She realized Olivia wouldn't be able to hear her over the water, so she repeated, "Yeah, thanks," in a louder voice. She bit her lip as she looked down at herself. "I'll be done in a minute. I'll meet you out there," she said.
"Okay," Olivia said. Alex heard her walking out of the room and closing the door.
She inhaled sharply and looked down at her body. She washed herself quickly, desperate to get back to the others.
Finally, she turned the water off and stepped out. She wrung her hair like a sponge to get the excess water off and grabbed a towel to finish drying herself. Then she got dressed again. Olivia's clothes fit her well enough, though the pants were a little on the tight side.
Her stomach started to growl, and now she actually felt like eating. It had to be because she felt cleaner, because that seemed to be the only thing that had changed. She certainly didn't feel calmer or less guilty.
She set the towel in a hamper sitting near the door. Then she grabbed her clothes off the ground and walked out.
"Hey, you feeling better?" Olivia asked when she saw her.
Alex nodded slightly. "A little."
"I'll put these in my car, if you want," Olivia offered, gesturing at the clothes.
Alex handed them over. "Thank you so much, Olivia," she said appreciatively. "I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier."
"Hey, we'd pretty much have the roles reversed if it was Elliot who had been shot in front of me," Olivia said. "Having a friend seriously injured isn't something you can just shake off. You're afraid. I've been in the same spot before; I understand what you feel."
Alex swallowed hard. "It's not just fear," she admitted.
"You don't blame yourself, do you Alex?" Olivia asked softly. "It isn't your fault."
"Of course I blame myself! It is my fault!" Alex cried. "He took the bullet for me! I should have been shot instead, Liv. Because of me, George is in critical condition and Adam is facing losing his partner of fifteen years!"
"Fifteen years?" Olivia said, surprised. "They've been together that long?"
Alex nodded. "Yeah, they have been. And they've always been so happy together, even if George doesn't talk about his private life at work. They rarely fight. They fit so well together- it's the kind of romance most people just dream of, you know?"
"I do know," Olivia said, sounding a little… wistful?
Alex didn't spend much time trying to analyze Olivia's feelings, however. Voice filled with guilt, she choked, "And I'm responsible for ending that. Adam's going to be all alone because of me."
"He's not going to die, Alex," Olivia said. "I just know he won't. He may be seriously injured but I don't think he's going to die."
"It's not like he just got a graze wound on his arm, Olivia!" Alex exclaimed. "The bullet hit an artery or vein, otherwise he wouldn't have lost so much blood so fast. He's…" She trailed off.
"I know he's in serious condition. I just… It's a cop's intuition, I guess. I've seen enough people get shot to know who will and won't make it most of the time. He's a fighter, Alex. He wouldn't just leave like that," Olivia said.
"That can only do so much, Olivia. If the injuries are serious enough, he could fight with everything he has and it still wouldn't be enough," Alex argued.
"That's true. But I still know he's going to pull through," Olivia said confidently.
"Even if he does survive, how am I supposed to look either of them in the eye again? I almost got George killed and ruined everything for Adam," Alex said, biting her lip. "Even if he lives, it's still my fault he was hurt in the first place. I can't just pretend everything's normal." She shook her head. "It's my fault."
"George chose to push you away and put himself in the line of fire, Alex. You didn't ask him to and we all know you never would. It's just that George thinks protecting others is more important. He's been hanging around us a little too long, know what I mean?" Olivia asked.
Olivia had a point there. Alex nodded and said, "Yeah, I do. Like when he got attacked by that man with pica and refused to let the EMT's look at him."
"Exactly," Olivia agreed. "Since he started getting closer to us, he shows emotion a little more often and seems more determined to protect others even if it puts him in harm's way. And you and him are so close- he'd beat himself up just as bad, if not worse, than you're doing to yourself now if you had been the one who was hurt. He could have risked you being hurt and fired back at the shooter, or tried to just push you out of the way without jumping in your place, but he wanted to be sure. Once the trigger's fired, there's no way to dodge a bullet- he only had as much time as it took for the shooter's muscles to move. When he wakes up and the meds wear off, I wouldn't be surprised if one of the first things out of his mouth is asking if you're okay. And then he'll probably feel worried about your mental state and will feel guilty for worrying you," Olivia said. "You mean a lot to him."
"I should have been able to do something," Alex whispered. "I should have seen the gun. I didn't even know anything had happened until George pushed me."
"You couldn't have, Alex," Olivia said, shaking her head. "FBI agents get even more rigorous training than cops. Even the shrinks. Even though he doesn't carry his gun when he can help it- which is against the fed's rules, by the way- he still has the fast reflexes when he sees a gun and he can aim just as good as we can. Once he spots a gun he can react in a split-second.
"But you're an attorney, Alex. You can't be expected to have the split-second decision making. Don't feel bad because George chose to put himself in danger. He may have done it for you, but there wasn't anything you could have done and it's not your fault. That's exactly what he'd tell you if he was awake," Olivia said.
Alex wanted to protest, but she knew they'd be arguing in circles. Olivia wasn't about to convince her that it wasn't her fault and she wasn't about to convince Olivia that it was. And if they kept arguing, they would stay here, which meant being further away if any news came. And she was hungry. She sighed and said, "Okay. Anyway, let's get back to the waiting room. I never ate my sandwich."
"Okay," Olivia said. She set her hand on Alex's shoulder for a few seconds. "Everything will be okay, Alex, I promise. And if you need anyone, I'm here."
"Trying to take George's job there, Olivia?" Alex teased, surprising even herself with the humor.
Olivia laughed. "I don't think I'd last a day," she said. She started walked back towards the waiting room, Alex following. Once they made it back to the room, Olivia kept going towards the parking lot, while Alex grabbed her sandwich and sat next to Adam. He was nibbling on a salad and staring at his phone, looking lost.
"Adam?" Alex asked softly.
He looked at her and gave a weak smile. "Hey. You're looking better."
"Thanks," she said, taking a bite of her sandwich. It tasted incredible, especially for hospital food. She was sure that had to do with the fact that she hadn't eaten since morning and it was late afternoon now.
"Any news?" Alex asked, swallowing the food.
"No. The nurse who showed you to the shower said a surgeon would probably be out to update us within an hour, though," Adam said.
"He's been in surgery for a long time," Alex commented. She looked at the clock on her cell phone to see just how long it had been, and was shocked to see that George had been in surgery for three, almost four hours.
"I know," Adam said painfully. He looked into the distance. "I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not."
Alex nodded, knowing what he meant. On the one hand, it was a good sign because every minute George was in surgery was another minute he was alive, but the longer he was in surgery, the more serious his injuries had to be and the harder it would be to repair them.
"Adam?" Alex asked softly. Adam gave her a heartbreaking look, hopeless and afraid. "Are… Are you okay?" It was a stupid question, she knew, but she needed to ask it anyway.
"No," Adam whispered. "I'm not. And I won't be unless he turns out okay."
"Adam, I… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Alex said tearfully. "If I had known, I would have- I would have tried to stop him. I should have reacted earlier but I didn't know, if I had- I didn't want him to take the bullet for me, Adam!"
Adam looked away from her. "I know, Alex. You don't need to apologize," he said. He turned back to her. "There wasn't anything you could have done."
Why was everyone telling her that? Surely someone else had to realize that this was her fault. She couldn't be the only one who was thinking that, she thought, biting her lip.
"The three of us are best friends," Adam continued, voice so quiet that she could barely hear. "And George and I are more than that. I'd take a bullet for either of you. If-if he d-dies…" Adam's voice wavered- "If he dies, he still- he still would have wanted it this way," he choked. He couldn't continue. He shook his head, tears flowing down his face.
Alex swallowed and hugged him tight. The two of them were like her brothers at times. Siblings were supposed to protect each other. She hadn't been able to do that with George but she could at least comfort Adam like a sister was supposed to.
"Shhh," she whispered, hoping she sounded soothing. She wasn't usually the type who could be counted on to be comforting. But if Adam hugging her back was any indication, she was doing okay. "Shh, it's okay," She murmured, holding him tighter. "Shh-shh-shhh…"
She eventually got Adam to relax a little. He set his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes. Alex rubbed his shoulders gently, guilt like an acid churning in her stomach.
Still, she was relieved that Adam didn't blame her. He should have thought it was her fault and he should have been screaming at her, but he wasn't, and even though she didn't agree, the fact that Adam didn't blame her did make her feel a little better.
Olivia walked back in. Alex gave her a silent nod, and Olivia moved towards them and sat down. "Adam, do you need anything?" Olivia asked softly.
"No, thanks," Adam muttered, shifting out of Alex's hold. He sighed, rubbing at his tired eyes. "I want to wake up and realize this was all a nightmare," he muttered.
"Yeah," Alex agreed softly. "I know."
She glanced around the room. Fin, Munch, Elliot, and Don were still sitting together, talking quietly. The room was half-full, and someone would look up every so often, or stand to stretch or walk somewhere else when a nurse or doctor came to talk to them. The room was full of tension and anxiety despite the efforts that had been taken to make the room soothing- painting it soft colors, placing a fish tank in a corner.
She sighed, feeling Olivia set a soothing hand on her shoulder. Alex glanced at her and gave a weak smile before turning back to Adam. Deciding they could both use a distraction, she asked, "So how are your students doing?"
"Oh, they're okay," Adam said softly. "One or two of them can't seem to get the hang of it, but they all love cooking and that's what matters. I'm teaching them how to make dinner stuff now, since they're a little tired of snacks and the like." He smiled softly. "Soon, I'm going to teach them how to make cheap soups and bread."
"Sounds fun," Alex said. "If only my oven wasn't allergic to me, I'd ask you to show me."
"Maybe if we can find a condemned house so no one will miss it when the building burns down," Adam said, snorting.
Alex laughed. "Hey, I'm not that hopeless. I haven't ruined a microwave in three years," she protested.
"You're really that bad?" Olivia asked with a laugh of her own. "I didn't think you meant it when you said you set your oven on fire."
"Let's just say that 'Domestic' isn't exactly my middle name," Alex said.
Adam was about to say something, but they fell silent when a surgeon wearing fresh scrubs entered the room. He was medium height with short hair hidden by the scrub hat, blue eyes, and white skin. As he came closer to the waiting area he called, "family of George Huang?"
"Over here," Adam said, sounding terrified again. Fin, Munch, Elliot, and Don stood, moving closer to the other three so that they could hear.
Alex tried to analyze the surgeon's face to figure out what kind of news he was about to give, but she couldn't surmise much. She looked at Olivia, who was better at reading emotions and who she could read better in turn, and gathered that while the worst hadn't happened, something was still very wrong. Alex bit her lip and looked back at the surgeon.
"I can only talk to family," the surgeon began.
"I'm George's partner," Adam said softly. "And I'm listed as his medical proxy and emergency contact. So is Alex Cabot." He gestured his head at her. "I give permission for you to tell us everything. If there's a release form or anything I need to fill out, I will."
"Okay," the surgeon said, nodding. "You will need to sign a few forms, but I'll update you first and then have a nurse give them to you. Anyway, I'm Doctor Masterson, and I performed Doctor Huang's surgery. He had us worried for a while, but we are now confident that he'll survive, and he will be out of surgery in another hour or two."
Everyone sighed in relief. Doctor Masterson continued, "However, there were severe complications. The less serious is that he lost a lot of blood because the bullet hit a vein, and he was in hypovolemic shock when he came in. We were worried he wasn't going to make it; he came very close to dying on the operating table. He will eventually recover from the effects of the blood loss, but he will be weak and easily fatigued until then."
"And what's the worse complication?" Olivia asked quietly. Alex held her breath.
The surgeon inhaled slowly. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but the bullet hit his spine before exiting, and it did enough damage to cause permanent paralysis. It caused an incomplete spinal injury, meaning that he will still have some sensation and function, but not much. He'll never walk again. We'll try to help him as much as possible, but there's nothing more we can do. I'm sorry."
The silence was deafening.
Fandom: SVU
Characters: Alex Cabot/Olivia Benson, George Huang/Original Male Character
Rating: M
Warning: Violence, disability
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Summary: After witnessing a shooting, Alex is overwhelmed with guilt and traumatic stress. Olivia reaches out to her, but will it be enough?
A/N: Sorry I was so slow in updating this! I had writer's block. I was at point B and I knew where point C was, but I couldn't get there. I think I got it right now, though. That said, please don't kill me for the end of this chapter. *Hides*
Time passed in a blur for Alex.
Olivia returned, saying that George's parents hadn't answered the phone and his sister was out of town on business but had promised to fly into New York on the next available flight. Adam left and called his own family, looking heartbroken, though he looked slightly better when he returned.
Olivia sat next to her, trying to soothe her without touching her or saying anything. It worked, sort of. Her presence did have a calming effect on Alex, but not enough. Neither she or Adam would be okay unless a doctor came out of the operating room and told them that George would be okay.
Hours passed. Fin and Munch left at one point and returned with food from the hospital kitchen for everyone. "It's getting late, and an empty stomach will only worsen the nervousness," they reasoned.
Alex wanted to refuse- she honestly felt sick to her stomach because of everything that was happening- but she hadn't had anything since breakfast and she was starving. She sighed, reluctantly accepting a roast beef sandwich. She wasn't the biggest meat eater on the planet, yet another reason not to eat it. She stared down at the sandwich and tried to make it look more appealing. It looked like the most disgusting thing ever assembled, even though she knew it was probably decent for hospital food. She huffed quietly and started to pick it up.
"Alex, wait," Olivia said before Alex could touch the food itself. "You need to wash your hands."
Alex looked down and saw that her hands were stained dark red from George's blood, the crimson having darkened and faded a little as it dried. Her eyes watered slightly, but her voice was steady when she said, "I don't want to leave here, Olivia. I want to be here if…" She trailed off, not wanting to mention any worst-case scenarios in front of Adam, who was already distraught. "I want to be here if they have any updates," she said instead.
"And keeping your hands dirty and bloody and eating with them is better?" Olivia challenged. "We'll tell you right away if anything changes, you know we will."
A nearby nurse heard their argument and walked forward. "Ma'am, you can use one of our showers if you wish. I can lend you a pair of hospital scrubs," she offered kindly.
"Or, I have an extra shirt and pair of pants in my trunk," Olivia supplied. "I keep them with me in case I pull an extremely long shift. I think the shirt at least would fit you. The pants are a little iffy."
"Okay, that sounds good," Alex relented, knowing that there was no use arguing. Everyone would band together to wear her down anyway. She looked at the nurse and Olivia and asked them, "Can you show me and her to the room? And Olivia, can you bring the clothes there?"
"Of course," Olivia said. She stood and walked out of the room, while the nurse- her nametag identified her as Ashley- guided Alex towards the shower. Eventually they reached their destination and Alex walked in.
"I'll show Detective Benson where you are when she comes back," Ashley said.
"Thank you," Alex said. She closed the door and stripped down. Then she stepped in the shower and turned it on, making the water nice and cool due to the temperature outside. She gradually turned it up, knowing that warm water would be better for washing off.
There was a soap dispenser attached to the side of the shower, so she pressed it and got some on her hands. Some of the caked blood started to loosen, but not all of it.
She shivered, looking down at herself. More of George's blood was covering her than she had thought. It felt so symbolic. If she had noticed earlier, George wouldn't have gotten shot. His blood was on her hands both literally and figuratively.
Images kept flashing in her head. She kept seeing George collapsing on top of her, the blood pouring out of the wound on his abdomen. She felt so scared, and there wasn't a single thing she could do except hope and pray, which were still useless as far as she was concerned. It worked well for others, but not her.
"George," she whispered helplessly, watching the scene again. She felt him shiver under her hands, saw the strength fading from his body, felt the blood gushing out of him.
She should have protected him. It was her fault he got hurt and Adam has to think about what might happen without George in his life.
She bit her lip. She had done so many things wrong. She hadn't been alert to the danger. She hadn't reacted fast enough. She hadn't let George know that he didn't need to put himself in danger to save her. She hadn't done first aid well enough, hadn't stopped the bleeding. She hadn't said anything to reassure him. She hadn't-
She heard a knock on the door. "Alex?" Olivia's voice called. "You okay?"
"Y-Yeah, Liv," Alex stammered. "I'm fine. The curtain's pulled, so come in."
Olivia entered the room. "Here are the pants and shirt. I'll set them on the sink for you, okay?"
"Yeah, thanks," Alex said softly. She realized Olivia wouldn't be able to hear her over the water, so she repeated, "Yeah, thanks," in a louder voice. She bit her lip as she looked down at herself. "I'll be done in a minute. I'll meet you out there," she said.
"Okay," Olivia said. Alex heard her walking out of the room and closing the door.
She inhaled sharply and looked down at her body. She washed herself quickly, desperate to get back to the others.
Finally, she turned the water off and stepped out. She wrung her hair like a sponge to get the excess water off and grabbed a towel to finish drying herself. Then she got dressed again. Olivia's clothes fit her well enough, though the pants were a little on the tight side.
Her stomach started to growl, and now she actually felt like eating. It had to be because she felt cleaner, because that seemed to be the only thing that had changed. She certainly didn't feel calmer or less guilty.
She set the towel in a hamper sitting near the door. Then she grabbed her clothes off the ground and walked out.
"Hey, you feeling better?" Olivia asked when she saw her.
Alex nodded slightly. "A little."
"I'll put these in my car, if you want," Olivia offered, gesturing at the clothes.
Alex handed them over. "Thank you so much, Olivia," she said appreciatively. "I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier."
"Hey, we'd pretty much have the roles reversed if it was Elliot who had been shot in front of me," Olivia said. "Having a friend seriously injured isn't something you can just shake off. You're afraid. I've been in the same spot before; I understand what you feel."
Alex swallowed hard. "It's not just fear," she admitted.
"You don't blame yourself, do you Alex?" Olivia asked softly. "It isn't your fault."
"Of course I blame myself! It is my fault!" Alex cried. "He took the bullet for me! I should have been shot instead, Liv. Because of me, George is in critical condition and Adam is facing losing his partner of fifteen years!"
"Fifteen years?" Olivia said, surprised. "They've been together that long?"
Alex nodded. "Yeah, they have been. And they've always been so happy together, even if George doesn't talk about his private life at work. They rarely fight. They fit so well together- it's the kind of romance most people just dream of, you know?"
"I do know," Olivia said, sounding a little… wistful?
Alex didn't spend much time trying to analyze Olivia's feelings, however. Voice filled with guilt, she choked, "And I'm responsible for ending that. Adam's going to be all alone because of me."
"He's not going to die, Alex," Olivia said. "I just know he won't. He may be seriously injured but I don't think he's going to die."
"It's not like he just got a graze wound on his arm, Olivia!" Alex exclaimed. "The bullet hit an artery or vein, otherwise he wouldn't have lost so much blood so fast. He's…" She trailed off.
"I know he's in serious condition. I just… It's a cop's intuition, I guess. I've seen enough people get shot to know who will and won't make it most of the time. He's a fighter, Alex. He wouldn't just leave like that," Olivia said.
"That can only do so much, Olivia. If the injuries are serious enough, he could fight with everything he has and it still wouldn't be enough," Alex argued.
"That's true. But I still know he's going to pull through," Olivia said confidently.
"Even if he does survive, how am I supposed to look either of them in the eye again? I almost got George killed and ruined everything for Adam," Alex said, biting her lip. "Even if he lives, it's still my fault he was hurt in the first place. I can't just pretend everything's normal." She shook her head. "It's my fault."
"George chose to push you away and put himself in the line of fire, Alex. You didn't ask him to and we all know you never would. It's just that George thinks protecting others is more important. He's been hanging around us a little too long, know what I mean?" Olivia asked.
Olivia had a point there. Alex nodded and said, "Yeah, I do. Like when he got attacked by that man with pica and refused to let the EMT's look at him."
"Exactly," Olivia agreed. "Since he started getting closer to us, he shows emotion a little more often and seems more determined to protect others even if it puts him in harm's way. And you and him are so close- he'd beat himself up just as bad, if not worse, than you're doing to yourself now if you had been the one who was hurt. He could have risked you being hurt and fired back at the shooter, or tried to just push you out of the way without jumping in your place, but he wanted to be sure. Once the trigger's fired, there's no way to dodge a bullet- he only had as much time as it took for the shooter's muscles to move. When he wakes up and the meds wear off, I wouldn't be surprised if one of the first things out of his mouth is asking if you're okay. And then he'll probably feel worried about your mental state and will feel guilty for worrying you," Olivia said. "You mean a lot to him."
"I should have been able to do something," Alex whispered. "I should have seen the gun. I didn't even know anything had happened until George pushed me."
"You couldn't have, Alex," Olivia said, shaking her head. "FBI agents get even more rigorous training than cops. Even the shrinks. Even though he doesn't carry his gun when he can help it- which is against the fed's rules, by the way- he still has the fast reflexes when he sees a gun and he can aim just as good as we can. Once he spots a gun he can react in a split-second.
"But you're an attorney, Alex. You can't be expected to have the split-second decision making. Don't feel bad because George chose to put himself in danger. He may have done it for you, but there wasn't anything you could have done and it's not your fault. That's exactly what he'd tell you if he was awake," Olivia said.
Alex wanted to protest, but she knew they'd be arguing in circles. Olivia wasn't about to convince her that it wasn't her fault and she wasn't about to convince Olivia that it was. And if they kept arguing, they would stay here, which meant being further away if any news came. And she was hungry. She sighed and said, "Okay. Anyway, let's get back to the waiting room. I never ate my sandwich."
"Okay," Olivia said. She set her hand on Alex's shoulder for a few seconds. "Everything will be okay, Alex, I promise. And if you need anyone, I'm here."
"Trying to take George's job there, Olivia?" Alex teased, surprising even herself with the humor.
Olivia laughed. "I don't think I'd last a day," she said. She started walked back towards the waiting room, Alex following. Once they made it back to the room, Olivia kept going towards the parking lot, while Alex grabbed her sandwich and sat next to Adam. He was nibbling on a salad and staring at his phone, looking lost.
"Adam?" Alex asked softly.
He looked at her and gave a weak smile. "Hey. You're looking better."
"Thanks," she said, taking a bite of her sandwich. It tasted incredible, especially for hospital food. She was sure that had to do with the fact that she hadn't eaten since morning and it was late afternoon now.
"Any news?" Alex asked, swallowing the food.
"No. The nurse who showed you to the shower said a surgeon would probably be out to update us within an hour, though," Adam said.
"He's been in surgery for a long time," Alex commented. She looked at the clock on her cell phone to see just how long it had been, and was shocked to see that George had been in surgery for three, almost four hours.
"I know," Adam said painfully. He looked into the distance. "I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not."
Alex nodded, knowing what he meant. On the one hand, it was a good sign because every minute George was in surgery was another minute he was alive, but the longer he was in surgery, the more serious his injuries had to be and the harder it would be to repair them.
"Adam?" Alex asked softly. Adam gave her a heartbreaking look, hopeless and afraid. "Are… Are you okay?" It was a stupid question, she knew, but she needed to ask it anyway.
"No," Adam whispered. "I'm not. And I won't be unless he turns out okay."
"Adam, I… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Alex said tearfully. "If I had known, I would have- I would have tried to stop him. I should have reacted earlier but I didn't know, if I had- I didn't want him to take the bullet for me, Adam!"
Adam looked away from her. "I know, Alex. You don't need to apologize," he said. He turned back to her. "There wasn't anything you could have done."
Why was everyone telling her that? Surely someone else had to realize that this was her fault. She couldn't be the only one who was thinking that, she thought, biting her lip.
"The three of us are best friends," Adam continued, voice so quiet that she could barely hear. "And George and I are more than that. I'd take a bullet for either of you. If-if he d-dies…" Adam's voice wavered- "If he dies, he still- he still would have wanted it this way," he choked. He couldn't continue. He shook his head, tears flowing down his face.
Alex swallowed and hugged him tight. The two of them were like her brothers at times. Siblings were supposed to protect each other. She hadn't been able to do that with George but she could at least comfort Adam like a sister was supposed to.
"Shhh," she whispered, hoping she sounded soothing. She wasn't usually the type who could be counted on to be comforting. But if Adam hugging her back was any indication, she was doing okay. "Shh, it's okay," She murmured, holding him tighter. "Shh-shh-shhh…"
She eventually got Adam to relax a little. He set his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes. Alex rubbed his shoulders gently, guilt like an acid churning in her stomach.
Still, she was relieved that Adam didn't blame her. He should have thought it was her fault and he should have been screaming at her, but he wasn't, and even though she didn't agree, the fact that Adam didn't blame her did make her feel a little better.
Olivia walked back in. Alex gave her a silent nod, and Olivia moved towards them and sat down. "Adam, do you need anything?" Olivia asked softly.
"No, thanks," Adam muttered, shifting out of Alex's hold. He sighed, rubbing at his tired eyes. "I want to wake up and realize this was all a nightmare," he muttered.
"Yeah," Alex agreed softly. "I know."
She glanced around the room. Fin, Munch, Elliot, and Don were still sitting together, talking quietly. The room was half-full, and someone would look up every so often, or stand to stretch or walk somewhere else when a nurse or doctor came to talk to them. The room was full of tension and anxiety despite the efforts that had been taken to make the room soothing- painting it soft colors, placing a fish tank in a corner.
She sighed, feeling Olivia set a soothing hand on her shoulder. Alex glanced at her and gave a weak smile before turning back to Adam. Deciding they could both use a distraction, she asked, "So how are your students doing?"
"Oh, they're okay," Adam said softly. "One or two of them can't seem to get the hang of it, but they all love cooking and that's what matters. I'm teaching them how to make dinner stuff now, since they're a little tired of snacks and the like." He smiled softly. "Soon, I'm going to teach them how to make cheap soups and bread."
"Sounds fun," Alex said. "If only my oven wasn't allergic to me, I'd ask you to show me."
"Maybe if we can find a condemned house so no one will miss it when the building burns down," Adam said, snorting.
Alex laughed. "Hey, I'm not that hopeless. I haven't ruined a microwave in three years," she protested.
"You're really that bad?" Olivia asked with a laugh of her own. "I didn't think you meant it when you said you set your oven on fire."
"Let's just say that 'Domestic' isn't exactly my middle name," Alex said.
Adam was about to say something, but they fell silent when a surgeon wearing fresh scrubs entered the room. He was medium height with short hair hidden by the scrub hat, blue eyes, and white skin. As he came closer to the waiting area he called, "family of George Huang?"
"Over here," Adam said, sounding terrified again. Fin, Munch, Elliot, and Don stood, moving closer to the other three so that they could hear.
Alex tried to analyze the surgeon's face to figure out what kind of news he was about to give, but she couldn't surmise much. She looked at Olivia, who was better at reading emotions and who she could read better in turn, and gathered that while the worst hadn't happened, something was still very wrong. Alex bit her lip and looked back at the surgeon.
"I can only talk to family," the surgeon began.
"I'm George's partner," Adam said softly. "And I'm listed as his medical proxy and emergency contact. So is Alex Cabot." He gestured his head at her. "I give permission for you to tell us everything. If there's a release form or anything I need to fill out, I will."
"Okay," the surgeon said, nodding. "You will need to sign a few forms, but I'll update you first and then have a nurse give them to you. Anyway, I'm Doctor Masterson, and I performed Doctor Huang's surgery. He had us worried for a while, but we are now confident that he'll survive, and he will be out of surgery in another hour or two."
Everyone sighed in relief. Doctor Masterson continued, "However, there were severe complications. The less serious is that he lost a lot of blood because the bullet hit a vein, and he was in hypovolemic shock when he came in. We were worried he wasn't going to make it; he came very close to dying on the operating table. He will eventually recover from the effects of the blood loss, but he will be weak and easily fatigued until then."
"And what's the worse complication?" Olivia asked quietly. Alex held her breath.
The surgeon inhaled slowly. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but the bullet hit his spine before exiting, and it did enough damage to cause permanent paralysis. It caused an incomplete spinal injury, meaning that he will still have some sensation and function, but not much. He'll never walk again. We'll try to help him as much as possible, but there's nothing more we can do. I'm sorry."
The silence was deafening.