Lean On Me, Chapter Two
Author: Alex_Axle
Fandom: SVU
Characters: Alex Cabot/Olivia Benson, George Huang/Original Male Character
Rating: M
Warning: Violence, disability
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Summary: After witnessing a shooting, Alex is overwhelmed with guilt and traumatic stress. Olivia reaches out to her, but will it be enough?
A/N:: Thanks for all the reviews/alerts/faves/kudos! I appreciate each and every one of them.
Also, sorry for the wait! To make up for it, here's a super long chapter. Everyone is in for quite a ride... And a very angsty one at that! Yay angst! LOL.
So, without further ado, here's the next chapter! Hope you enjoy, and please review! It really helps me gauge if I'm doing okay on the story. :)
It was strange, really, the way time worked in an ambulance. It was as though the laws of physics themselves were altered. Thirty seconds of normal time equaled roughly five minutes of ambulance time; objects seemed to move much faster; even thoughts seemed to be sufficiently fast to fly by without being actively registered.
Alex found herself repeating the same thoughts over and over again, drawing on the admittedly limited knowledge she had. Gunshot wound to George's lower back with an exit wound just above and right- well, his left- of his navel; shivering, unconsciousness, and pale, chalky, clammy skin, indicating shock- it didn't look good.
But even more telling than her own assessment was the desperation of the EMTs. They were trying to save him, but George came close to crashing at least two times, and each time it was clear that they didn't think they were going to get him back. They finally intubated him so that his breathing would be at least somewhat under control. They used a pair of clothing shears to cut George's shirt off and took turns applying pressure directly to it.
"How far out are we?" the man currently holding the wound called to the front. "If we don't get there soon, he's not going to make it."
"ETA is three minutes!" the driver called back. "I'm going as fast as I can."
"Shit, Joe, we're losing him again!" another EMT called. The first one- Joe- turned his attention back to George and called out for another drug to inject into the IV. Alex could barely make any of the words out; most of the medical terms simply went over her head.
Her hands were trembling violently, and all she could do was hold on to George's ankle because that was the only way she wouldn't be in the EMT's way. This had all happened so fast and she could barely comprehend it. Just a short while ago, she'd been on top of the world, ready to celebrate winning a tough case. Now she was facing the very likely possibility of losing her best friend.
"Why did you do that, George?" she moaned. "You didn't have to take the bullet for me! How could someone as smart as you do something so stupid?"
She knew exactly what George would say, of course. That he had to, that he couldn't let her be hurt on his watch. George's protectiveness had always been so important to him that it was one of his biggest flaws. He still beat himself up over the Brodus case, all these years later, not because he had almost died and had suffered a severe concussion, but because Elliot had almost been hurt. He cared more about Elliot's bruises than his own brain injury- and that pretty much summed up George himself. No matter how minor, other people's problems came first, always.
"If you survive this, I'm going to kick your ass," she growled at George's unconscious form. "And if you die, I'm going to kick your ass anyway."
She kept flashing back to when she'd been shot. So much pain, so much fear. But she had never been in critical condition. The FBI agents from WitSec had had to exaggerate the severity of her injuries to make it plausible that she had died from them. But her life had been torn apart anyway. All those lonely years in Wisconsin, wanting nothing more than to come home even if it meant she died. Now, from the looks of things, her life would once again be torn apart because of a gun.
What would she tell George's lover? The two had been together for fifteen years, and they were still as much in love as they had been when they'd moved in together. Alex remembered the first time she'd met Adam. George had found an amazing guy, that was for sure. Adam was smart and sweet, and he wasn't half bad in the looks department either. Not to mention the fact that he made the best food Alex had ever tasted. She sometimes laughingly told George that she didn't see why he ever bothered eating out when he had the world's best chef living with him. And even though he probably could have gotten a job at a five-star restaurant, he chose to teach cooking instead. His main job was at a high school, but he also volunteered at community centers and other school's extracurricular clubs.
Adam liked her quite a lot, and always made sure to make Alex's favorite meals on her birthday. She had even spent a few Christmases with them, and every year both he and George made her feel happier and more at home than she would have felt with her own parents. When her nightmares about being shot got overwhelming and she called George to ask him to come talk to her, Adam always kept her on the phone until George showed up, making her laugh in spite of herself. Once he had even made her feel so much better that she hadn't needed to talk to George at all when he showed up, and George had called Adam back and jokingly told him to stop doing his job for him. They had all laughed for a while before George left and Alex went back to bed, sleeping better than she had for months.
Someone as kind as Adam didn't deserve to lose his partner, not like this.
How would she be able to tell him that his husband was in critical condition because he'd jumped in front of a gun? How would she be able to tell him that it was all her fault, that if she had been more vigilant, George wouldn't have had to do anything? And if George died…
Her eyes became wet. It was true; this was all her fault. George was clinging to life by a thread, all because of her.
The ambulance finally arrived at the hospital. She raced behind the stretcher, trying unsuccessfully to pick out the shouts of the EMT's, trauma nurses, and doctors.
"Ma'am, is he allergic to any medications?" a middle-aged woman asked as she shined a light in each of George's eyes.
"Uh-" Alex closed her eyes in concentration, trying to remember. She thought she heard George mention some kind of allergic reaction at one point, but she had no idea what it was.
She reconstructed the scene carefully in her head, and then it finally came to her. "Just codeine," she said finally. "I'm pretty sure there's nothing else. You may want to ask Adam when he comes in, though."
"Who?" the woman asked distractedly. She poked George's upper arm with a needle.
"Hey, what are you doing?" Alex demanded.
"Measuring his response to pain," she replied. "He's responding, so that's good. It means he's probably not in a coma."
A coma? Alex whirled around to the doctor, mouth agape.
"Probably?" Alex asked weakly, once her voice returned. "What do you mean, probably?"
"Sometimes severe blood loss can cause a person to become comatose. He is responsive to certain stimuli, but he isn't conscious either," a different doctor explained. "We're trying to get a measure of how responsive is. His responses indicate that he most likely isn't comatose, just unconscious, if you can see the difference."
Alex nodded quickly, suddenly wishing she had her anti-anxiety medicine with her.
A nurse walked up to her. "I'm going to have to ask you to follow me to the waiting room, Miss-?"
"Cabot," Alex supplied.
"Miss Cabot. Come with me, please," the nurse requested, beckoning.
Alex followed her, and saw that Olivia was sitting in a chair, talking to someone on the phone- she assumed it was either Elliot or Captain Cragen. She took the seat next to her and tried not to eavesdrop.
"Okay, El, thanks," Olivia was saying. "Be sure to tell the captain and get everyone here as soon as possible- he didn't look good. Oh!" she added as she saw Alex. "Hold on, Alex just sat down- I'm going to ask her-"
"The EMT's said his odds aren't looking good," Alex admitted, looking downwards. It sounded like someone else was speaking the words.
"It's looking grim, Elliot, tell them to hurry. Yeah, see you soon. Bye." Olivia hung up and turned to Alex. "Are you alright? You look-"
"Terrified?" Alex snapped, trying in vain to keep the edginess out of her voice. "Well, Olivia, maybe that's because I am! I just saw my best friend take a bullet for me and I don't even know if he's going to die! I don't even know if he's going to wake up again!"
"Alright, Alex, calm down," Olivia said quietly. "Whether George makes it or not, panicking isn't going to help him. Only the doctors and surgeons can do that right now."
Alex inhaled sharply, then let it out slowly. "I'm sorry, Olivia. I shouldn't've snapped at you."
"It's okay, Alex. You're stressed. Just try to calm down, okay?" Olivia said.
"Yeah, I guess so," Alex said unenthusiastically. "Anyway, I've got to let George's partner know what happened."
"Partner?" Olivia asked, raising her eyebrows. "I didn't think FBI agents had partners."
"You didn't know?" Alex asked in surprise. George had told her he was out with most everyone he knew now, though his family had been the last to find out due to their conservative views. "Not that kind of partner. A domestic partner."
"Oh!" Olivia said, blushing a little. "I can't believe I just did that. I've known he was gay for a few years; I should have been able to put two and two together. I guess that's what happens when you spend so much time in the NYPD."
"Don't worry about it," Alex said. "Anyway, I'm going to call him. Have you contacted his superiors at the FBI?"
"I don't have the number. The captain does, though; I asked Elliot to ask him," Olivia said.
"Alright, then." Alex walked towards the exit and stood outside, sighing softly at the warm air.
She pulled her cell phone out and, with shaky fingers, dialed Adam's number. Pick up, pick up! She yelled at him silently.
"Hello?"
Alex swallowed. If there was one skill she wished she could learn from the detectives, it was how to break the bad news to loved ones of people who had been hurt.
"Adam, it's me, Alex," she said, voice wavering.
"Alex? What's wrong?" Adam asked. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she assured him. "But George… Adam, we were walking down the courthouse steps when someone aimed a gun at us. George was shot, Adam, and the doctors aren't sure if he's going to make it." She heard Adam gasp. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I couldn't-"
She stopped when she heard a clatter and realized that Adam had dropped the phone. She knew he had never expected anything like this to happen; George was a psychiatrist, FBI agent or no, and he wasn't supposed to be hurt, not like this. Maybe another head injury or, at worst, a stab wound from a patient with a shiv, but not a gunshot wound.
"Adam?" she asked loudly. "Are you there?"
"A-Alex, please tell me you're j-just joking or something" Adam said, voice shaking.
"I wish I could." She swallowed. "They'll be taking him to surgery any minute. The bullet hit something- he was still bleeding a lot when the doctors kicked me out. They're going to get some donor blood for him soon, though."
"What hospital?" Adam asked weakly.
She took a few steps back and looked at the sign over the entrance. "Mount Sinai," she said.
"I'll be there in, um…" Adam trailed off. "I'll be there as soon as I can. I just have to talk to the principal of the school and make sure they can get a sub for me, then I'll be right there."
"Adam, please don't drive," Alex requested softly. "I don't think you'll be safe if you drive in your emotional state. Take a taxi, okay? I'll reimburse you if you need it-"
"No, no- it's fine, I was thinking that anyway- I-" Alex felt a pang in her heart as she heard how lost Adam sounded, and how close to tears he was.
She heard a door opening and closing, and then the sounds of an elevator.
"Alex, is- is he going to die?" Adam whispered.
Alex deliberated on what to do. Tell him the truth and work him up even more, or lie to him and possibly give him false hope.
"They aren't sure, Adam," she said finally. "It doesn't look good. He's in rough shape. But you know him just as well as I do. He's so strong, and he isn't going down without a fight. You know that."
Adam gave a soft hum of affirmation. "That's true, I guess." Alex heard what might have been a sob. "I-I'm almost out of the elevator. I'll see you when I get to the hospital, okay?"
"Okay, Adam. Please be safe," Alex said softly.
"You too," Adam whispered. He hung up a second later.
Swallowing hard, Alex turned on her heels and re-entered the building. She sat in the same spot next to Olivia, trying not to fidget, but it was a losing battle. She had too much nervous energy and nothing to alleviate it.
"I managed to track down a nurse, and she said he'll be in surgery for at least a few hours," Olivia said. "They've managed to get a few bags of donor blood for him. His condition hasn't improved, though. And I heard back from the Captain. They're on their way, and Huang's superiors have been notified- they're coming too, as soon as their work allows them."
Alex sighed, nodding and slumping back a little in her seat. Then she shivered when looked down at her front. Her shirt was soaked with blood. She shook her head, and, thankful that she was wearing a t-shirt underneath, tugged her outer shirt off and set it to the side. Some blood had soaked through to the t-shirt too, but since this one was black it wasn't as much of an issue. Her hands had dried, crusted blood on them also, but she wasn't about to leave to wash them. It could wait.
She shifted restlessly once again, ignoring Olivia's sympathetic gaze. She wasn't in the mood.
She pulled out her cell phone, flipping through the list of downloadable games. She wasn't interested in the least, but she needed something to distract her or she'd go crazy. Finally she decided to download what must have been the 500th hidden object game released that month. Still, there was something soothing about solving puzzles.
She was on the fifth level when Don, Elliot, Munch, and Fin arrived. Immediately catching sight of the two women, they walked over and joined them, pulling up some nearby chairs to sit closer.
"How is he?" Don asked.
"We haven't got much of an update yet except that he's going to be in surgery for a while," Alex relayed.
"What happened?" Elliot asked her gently.
Alex sighed inwardly. She knew she had to talk about it sooner rather than later to prevent this from turning into PTSD too. Not to mention the fact that she would have to give her statement eventually, and she may as well get it over with now.
She closed her eyes in weariness. "I had finished the Grant case and got a conviction. George and Olivia met me outside the room and we started walking. Olivia had to leave to work on another case and George and I stopped a minute to talk about lunch. There was this place he had been begging me to go to and we decided to go there. The next thing I know, George is tackling me and a gunshot goes off so loud that it makes my ears ring for a while. I didn't see the shooter and I don't know anything about him except that he's a he, and that's because Olivia told me that when she came to help me do first aid. George was bleeding out fast, no matter what I tried to stop it. The entry wound was in his back and it exited near his navel."
Elliot winced, while Fin reached forward and patted her shoulder comfortingly. She shrugged it off, appreciating the gesture but not wanting to be touched.
She looked at Don and Munch, who looked worried but mostly calm. They had been cops for so long that one of their co-workers being shot wasn't anything new. Not that they weren't concerned; they had just seen it happen too often for it to make them panic. She didn't know whether to feel pity or jealousy.
Silence fell over the group for a while, broken only by the occasional sounds of coffee being poured from the machine in the corner. Alex put at least five sugar packets in hers and sipped at it distastefully. She hated it, but at least drinking kept her occupied.
There was no clock in the waiting room, probably to keep the people there from constantly reminding themselves of the time passing and driving themselves into a nervous breakdown, so Alex was forced to constantly check her cell phone. The minutes passed by slower the more she looked at the timer, so she finally gave up.
Adam finally speed-walked into the room, joining the large group. He didn't notice the confused looks everyone but Olivia, Don, and Alex gave him. "How is he?" he asked worriedly.
Alex sighed, not wanting to explain yet again but also wanting to spare Adam the awkward questions from the others. "He's still in surgery, Adam, and he won't be out for a while."
Adam looked crestfallen, and he bit his lip. "I think I'd better call his family and mine," he said softly. "Should I tell them to come here, or should I tell them to stay home but close to a phone?"
"I think that calling them is a good idea," Alex said. "And I think you should tell George's immediate family to come here, but not yours. We don't want to overcrowd the room."
Adam nodded absently and fumbled with his phone. Taking pity on him, Olivia offered, "I'll call George's family if you give me the number. It might be easier coming from me, since I'm a cop."
Adam thought it over. "I guess so," he finally agreed. "They don't seem to like me all that much anyway."
"Adam, they're still adjusting to you and George being together. He only came out to them recently," Alex protested.
She saw comprehension dawning on Elliot, Fin, and Munch, but they remained silent. There just wasn't a lot to say at a time like this, even to people they did know- let alone a stranger.
"Anyway, that's not important right now. This isn't the time for family drama," Alex finished softly, reaching out to pat the back of Adam's hand.
Silence fell. Olivia left the room to make the phone calls, and everyone else fell back into the routine from a few minutes ago.
Alex watched Adam, feeling stomach-twisting guilt come over her. She should have been able to stop this from happening. Now Adam was facing losing his lover of fifteen years, all because of her. If someone had had to get shot, she felt it should have been her. She didn't have much family- it would have been much less devastating. It should have been her taking the bullet to protect George, not the other way around.
Adam looked so helpless, so afraid, so crushed. She could see all the dark thoughts going through his head. He was thinking about the worst case scenarios, trying to think about life without his lover and unable to even comprehend it.
If George died, Adam would be completely lost- and it wasn't something Alex wanted to witness. The guilt was bad enough as it was, and if George's death was added to it…
She would never forgive herself. Seeing Adam's grief- going into the SVU squad room but not seeing her friend there- trying not to bite any other profiler's head off- she wouldn't be able to handle it. Adam wouldn't be able to handle it. No one else George knew would be able to either.
George just had to make it. If he didn't, at least two people were going to completely lose it.
She wished he could hear her thoughts. If he knew what she and Adam were thinking, he would fight with everything he had to survive.
Her heart clenched, and her breath caught in her throat. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't let herself. She had to be strong; that was who she was. Alex Cabot didn't cry, let alone in the presence of other people.
She coughed once and buried her face in her coffee, taking slow, steadying breaths as she tried to regain control of herself. Then she set the styrofoam cup off to the side.
Pressing one hand against her forehead, Alex shook her head in dismay.
How had things gone so wrong so fast?