Today I ruined someones life

Jun 01, 2003 22:23

I think the title line says it all sort of, but i guess i should explain. The problem is that there is so much back story, that it is gonna take forever to explain. I dated this girl for 21 months, her name is Veronica. Really amazing girl to be totally honest, very loving, and totally in love with me. She had the tendency to act like a little girl often, which was in my opinion due to the fact that she is a rape victim, and thus part of her is stuck at the age when she was victimized. The point is that i couldn't handle it. I don't know if it is that i don't feel i deserve to be loved, or I couldn't handle being looked at like a parent, or whatever else it may have been, but last october, I broke up with her, with the amendment that when she stopped being mad at me, she could call and we could hang out on a friendship basis.
Well let me say this, that was perhaps the real beginning to my troubles with the whole situation. I thought that by remaining her friend, i could ease the pain of the break up, or at least minimize it. Instead, i think what i did was give her a false hope that someday we would end up back together. so we kept on hangin out, being friends with some major benefits, and that too was a mistake on my part, because it meant sooooooo much more to her than it dod to me.
Well last week, I asked her what she wanted, and she said "another chance" to which i replied "ok, you got it". I felt sorry and guilty for stringing her out and putting her through so much pain. So we got back together. i have since that moment though a great deal about that moment and what followed until tonight on the phone when i realized that i could never love her as much as she loved me, and so i told her that we should take 6 months off and see if this was something we really wanted. (yes i know that those two things are not even close to the same, I just wanted to make it easier to deal with.) So she started bawling, and i felt so bad, but i made up my mind not to string her out any more. she said she wouldn't wait around for 6 months, and i told her not to wait. she said she couldn't talk to me anymore, so I said ok and hung up the phone.
I feel sooo horrible for stringing her out, and so sorry that i messed with her feelings so much. it is possible that I will never in my life find someone who will love me and put up with all of my shit more than she did. but i coudn't handle it, i couldn't stand to be loved so much, to be depended upon. I really have no idea what i even want in a relationship, in fact, i know that i don't want any relationship, i just want to be alone, at least in the love sense. I feel fulfilled enough by my friendships and myself, that i feel like there isn't any room for a romatic relationship.
I still feel sooooooooo horrible though, why couldn't i have just been honest with her in the first place, why couldn't I have just broken away cleanly and not strung her out and torn out her heart. All i was trying to do was ease the pain, and all i really did was stomp on the heart i had already ripped out, and make her hurt even worse. What a prick, i don't deserve a relationship.
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