My Arms Show Scars of My Faith (2/3)
Title: My Arms Show Scars of My Faith (2/3)
Chapter: Two
Pairing: Jalex
Rating: R overall (mentions of attempted suicide in this chapter)
Summary: Alex is starting to break. He needs Jack like he needs air, although he would pick Jack over breathing any day.
Disclaimer: The only thing I own is the plot. Title and cut cred belong to Renfue.
Author's Note: Second part yay. Please leave a comment or something because i really want to know if i should bother with this and also because i put some effort into this. :-)
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When it happens this time Alex is not shocked, but he is scared, despite the fact that he knows Jack is alive and well.
Alex really doesn't understand why Jack does it, but he supposes it has to do with the fact that he wants to be with Courtney.
After all, he did confess to Alex how deep his love ran for the dead girl, just like Alex's ran for him.
Jack's eyes are closed, and he lies on the hospital bed with serenity etched on his porcelain features. It's hard for Alex to imagine Jack being gone and knows that, if Jack ever succeeded in any of his suicide attempts, Alex would follow him.
Living in a world bared of Jack Barakat is just no world to live in, it's bland and tasteless, it doesn't hold any desires for Alex. And he wishes he could tell Jack that, but he still assumes Alex is all for Jordan. Besides, confessing your lust for your best friend is way beyond awkward.
So Alex sighs again, and hears the beeping of the machine next to the bed- he really has the desire to smash it, but figures it's best for Jack if he just leaves it alone.
Alex doesn't notice when Jacks eyes flutter open, because he's closed his own in an attempt to keep all his feelings under control, and his tears from coming out. But he knows Jacks awake when the hand enveloped in his tries to free itself.
Alex's eyes open, and he sees Jacks conflicted face, his saddened expression and defeated frown-he's failed at it again.
"So I guess that's out of the question," Jack mumbles indifferently.
Alex is not aware of what he's doing until his fingers are grazing Jacks bangs, and he whispers, "What is?"
Jack seems reluctant to look into his eyes and sighs, "Overdosing."
Alex's lip quivers when Jack says it, but he swallows his fear and asks, "Aren't we enough?"
Their eyes meet for a fleeting moment, and Jack looks away, letting the blackness of his mood fill him again, until it's shielding him from the feelings he's trying to suppress deep inside.
"It's more complicated than that, 'Lex," He whispers, the fear echoing in his voice.
The only thing that complicated is what he feels for Jack, Alex thinks to himself.
Everything else has it's own simple explanation. Jack loves Courtney endlessly, even though she's dead- that's simple. Jack wants to die, to be with her- that's simple. The fact that it means leaving Alex behind, to him, that's simple and he can see it doesn't really bother Jack.
But what Alex feels through and through for him- that's not simple, by any definition. It's up there with Algebra - Alex doesn't understand either of them, just knows there's a reason behind it.
"You love her as much as I love Jordan, don't you?" He asks back, afraid of what Jacks answer will be - even though he's ninety-nine percent sure he knows what the answer is already.
Jack scoffs, "It doesn't compare."
Alex has the urge to cry again, because Jack can't even begin to imagine how deep Alex's love for him goes.
But Alex guesses that, to Jack, his "love for Jordan" seems rather childish- it does to him too.
When the private nurse comes in, Alex's shoulders slump, his alone time with Jack is over.
...
It happens again, only this time, Jacks in the ER room and they won't let Alex see him.
They say he jumped onto the highway from a bridge, intent on being hit.
Jack will recover, he has a few minor broken bones but he's alive and he's allowed to go home tomorrow, but Alex is not sure he himself will. With every time that Jack tries to kill himself, Alex's stomach turns into knots, and it rips a tear in his heart.
When the doctor comes out to tell them it's ok to go in, Alex waits this time. He lets everyone go before him and lets them take their time. He has to think of what to say, and gain control of what he wants to say without starting to cry uncontrollably.
After Zack walks out, he keeps the door open for Alex. But all Alex can do is stand still and swallow, each time Jack does this, it gets harder to face him. Alex doesn't know how long he'll be able to hold his facade - just doesn't know how much longer he'll be able to keep telling Jack that he loves Jordan. And wonders to himself that if he told Jack how he truly felt, if it would make a difference at all.
Jacks sitting up when Alex walks in, and has a smile plastered on the younger boys face that takes Alex off guard completely. Jack points to the seat next to his bed and Alex takes it, feeling a little like a robot.
"Why are you smiling?" Alex crosses his arms and takes note of a piece of lint on his black, Blink 182 hoodie, (a Christmas present from a certain suicidal someone).
Jack's exhaling brings Alex's eyes up to him, and he sees that he's looking at her differently,
"Because I'm leaving."
That moment Alex's heart truly stops, it really does, because if Jack leaves, then he's lost.
He'll feel blinded, in complete loss of what to do with himself, "What? No, you can't leave."
Jack laughs at him and his childish reaction. He finds it cute, but then let's his smile fade, and looks at him seriously, "I'm making this hard on everyone. None of you deserve this, especially you, 'Lex."
With a true loss of what to say, Alex scoffs, "You can't leave us, you can't leave me!"
Jack giggles again and kisses Alex's cheek sweetly, and so lightly, that it almost feels as if it's just air. Alex closes his eyes, enjoying the touch of Jacks lips on his skin.
The next morning Jack is gone.
Chapter: Two
Pairing: Jalex
Rating: R overall (mentions of attempted suicide in this chapter)
Summary: Alex is starting to break. He needs Jack like he needs air, although he would pick Jack over breathing any day.
Disclaimer: The only thing I own is the plot. Title and cut cred belong to Renfue.
Author's Note: Second part yay. Please leave a comment or something because i really want to know if i should bother with this and also because i put some effort into this. :-)
tumblr
masterpost
When it happens this time Alex is not shocked, but he is scared, despite the fact that he knows Jack is alive and well.
Alex really doesn't understand why Jack does it, but he supposes it has to do with the fact that he wants to be with Courtney.
After all, he did confess to Alex how deep his love ran for the dead girl, just like Alex's ran for him.
Jack's eyes are closed, and he lies on the hospital bed with serenity etched on his porcelain features. It's hard for Alex to imagine Jack being gone and knows that, if Jack ever succeeded in any of his suicide attempts, Alex would follow him.
Living in a world bared of Jack Barakat is just no world to live in, it's bland and tasteless, it doesn't hold any desires for Alex. And he wishes he could tell Jack that, but he still assumes Alex is all for Jordan. Besides, confessing your lust for your best friend is way beyond awkward.
So Alex sighs again, and hears the beeping of the machine next to the bed- he really has the desire to smash it, but figures it's best for Jack if he just leaves it alone.
Alex doesn't notice when Jacks eyes flutter open, because he's closed his own in an attempt to keep all his feelings under control, and his tears from coming out. But he knows Jacks awake when the hand enveloped in his tries to free itself.
Alex's eyes open, and he sees Jacks conflicted face, his saddened expression and defeated frown-he's failed at it again.
"So I guess that's out of the question," Jack mumbles indifferently.
Alex is not aware of what he's doing until his fingers are grazing Jacks bangs, and he whispers, "What is?"
Jack seems reluctant to look into his eyes and sighs, "Overdosing."
Alex's lip quivers when Jack says it, but he swallows his fear and asks, "Aren't we enough?"
Their eyes meet for a fleeting moment, and Jack looks away, letting the blackness of his mood fill him again, until it's shielding him from the feelings he's trying to suppress deep inside.
"It's more complicated than that, 'Lex," He whispers, the fear echoing in his voice.
The only thing that complicated is what he feels for Jack, Alex thinks to himself.
Everything else has it's own simple explanation. Jack loves Courtney endlessly, even though she's dead- that's simple. Jack wants to die, to be with her- that's simple. The fact that it means leaving Alex behind, to him, that's simple and he can see it doesn't really bother Jack.
But what Alex feels through and through for him- that's not simple, by any definition. It's up there with Algebra - Alex doesn't understand either of them, just knows there's a reason behind it.
"You love her as much as I love Jordan, don't you?" He asks back, afraid of what Jacks answer will be - even though he's ninety-nine percent sure he knows what the answer is already.
Jack scoffs, "It doesn't compare."
Alex has the urge to cry again, because Jack can't even begin to imagine how deep Alex's love for him goes.
But Alex guesses that, to Jack, his "love for Jordan" seems rather childish- it does to him too.
When the private nurse comes in, Alex's shoulders slump, his alone time with Jack is over.
...
It happens again, only this time, Jacks in the ER room and they won't let Alex see him.
They say he jumped onto the highway from a bridge, intent on being hit.
Jack will recover, he has a few minor broken bones but he's alive and he's allowed to go home tomorrow, but Alex is not sure he himself will. With every time that Jack tries to kill himself, Alex's stomach turns into knots, and it rips a tear in his heart.
When the doctor comes out to tell them it's ok to go in, Alex waits this time. He lets everyone go before him and lets them take their time. He has to think of what to say, and gain control of what he wants to say without starting to cry uncontrollably.
After Zack walks out, he keeps the door open for Alex. But all Alex can do is stand still and swallow, each time Jack does this, it gets harder to face him. Alex doesn't know how long he'll be able to hold his facade - just doesn't know how much longer he'll be able to keep telling Jack that he loves Jordan. And wonders to himself that if he told Jack how he truly felt, if it would make a difference at all.
Jacks sitting up when Alex walks in, and has a smile plastered on the younger boys face that takes Alex off guard completely. Jack points to the seat next to his bed and Alex takes it, feeling a little like a robot.
"Why are you smiling?" Alex crosses his arms and takes note of a piece of lint on his black, Blink 182 hoodie, (a Christmas present from a certain suicidal someone).
Jack's exhaling brings Alex's eyes up to him, and he sees that he's looking at her differently,
"Because I'm leaving."
That moment Alex's heart truly stops, it really does, because if Jack leaves, then he's lost.
He'll feel blinded, in complete loss of what to do with himself, "What? No, you can't leave."
Jack laughs at him and his childish reaction. He finds it cute, but then let's his smile fade, and looks at him seriously, "I'm making this hard on everyone. None of you deserve this, especially you, 'Lex."
With a true loss of what to say, Alex scoffs, "You can't leave us, you can't leave me!"
Jack giggles again and kisses Alex's cheek sweetly, and so lightly, that it almost feels as if it's just air. Alex closes his eyes, enjoying the touch of Jacks lips on his skin.
The next morning Jack is gone.