(no subject)

Dec 27, 2004 00:30

im falling apart

im sorry to everyone i have pissed off, and to everyone i will piss off, but im going fucking crazy.

i sound like such a drama queen... but im fucking seriouse, no one gets whats going on with me... very few even try to understand

i went to whidby island today, with my dad and stepmom... it was okay, my dad kept pissing me off, to the point where i just stayed at the end of the couch all day... programing my cell phone.... waiting to leave.... untill i fell asleep siting up....

then we got to his house, at 730, and he said "oh alex, im so tired, why dont u just sleep here tonight and ill drive you home in the morning"
i was pissed...

his house is so cold, i was in the laundry room with the vent to dryer detached from the wall and i turned it on so it would get warm... i was still cold, and i was wearing a cashmere sweater, my jacket and a scarf

i pissed off colin, cuz he kept tellling me to calm down, and i said somthing like, you dont understand so just stop telling me to calm down, and so yea, and i called him, and hes not mad, anymore, well im sure he is, but he was a good enough friend to put that aside and let me bitch at him about my dad...

then i called my mom, and she came and picked me up... i didnt even tell my dad i was leaving, i just left a note on his coffee machine and left... it was so cold

my mom was so nice tho

i just dont know whats going on

i feel so alone... i dont know what to do...

i have given up on phil... well given up caring so damn much
if it works it works, if it dosent it dosent, if he cant handle my little freak outs, then i guess hes not the one

i do miss that tho... im jelouse of colin... he has this guy, that is perfect for him, and they are so happy... i remember how that feels, and i want that too.... i am happy for him tho

it kinda sucks i have to get one of these little panic attack things right after christmas... thats really what they are to... just little break downs, and it awful, i cant control them, and i just start crying... hard... i havent had this sort of thing happen for a long time... 6 months maybe

i think im going to stop writing stuff on here...

well, although im falling apart... i did have a good xmas, and for that im thankful... im thankful for everything i have, and i feel guilty for asking for more

well at least i have my freinds....

ok, well i think im going to start crying again... i think im going to go watch sex and the city

good night all, and i hope u had a good xmas
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