(no subject)
So, I accidentally went to mass for three hours this evening. I didn't mean to go to mass so I wore a short black skirt and walked in half drunk holding a plastic cup of cheap red wine. The mass was held in the gym at my school, so we (all 2000 of us) sat in bleachers. I saw my friend Geoff and we laughed about how Jewish I was. The girl I went with, Ali, noticed my glass of wine and acted startled. I told her this was a Catholic event and so it had been tran-substantiated. She said "hopefully it doesn't got the HIVVVVV." I chuckled uncontrollably. Ali leaned over and told her roommate Danielle (who is a real live Catholic) and she joined uneasily in the laughter for a moment. It didn't appear that she quite understood. Being that she's the kind of person who's gotten used to not quite understanding, she just kind of faked it and we moved on. Then, I made fun of the fat girl singing the opening prayers and asked Ali's Catholic stepmother if it was almost over. She said no, so I reached down into my purse to pull out my tiny silver flip phone to text my boyfriend Eric, who was at dinner with the Perrys.
A woman on the bleachers behind me with a very subtle Mrs-Brady-mullet and a loose white pants suit leaned up close to my ear and snapped "YOU KNOW, they told everyone to turn off their phones." I looked back at her with a blend of drunkenness, surprise, and horror and mumbled, "Oh yes, right, I will do that." I acted as if I hadn't heard or simply divined the fact that they didn't want people on their cell phones. Of course, I had done both. I continued texting Eric. Surprised by my persistence, she leaned up again and wrapped her claw around my shoulder and yanked back and said, "YOU KNOW, this is not the Hollywood Bowl or some College Basketball game or something! It is a LITURGY."
I looked back at her and said, "Right, I get it." I finished my text and put my little silver flip phone back in my purse. I got very red. Lately, every time I get embarrassed or angry or run into someone who makes me uncomfortable, I turn very red. I thought about how I should tell the woman that it was my graduation and, if it was quite alright with her, my mother was in the hospital and I was going to go ahead and leave my phone on in case the doctors called me with any news. This, of course, was not true. My mom was very safely in her bed at home in Encinitas and I'm not actually graduating from college. The woman must have sensed my indignance because she started participating much more vigorously in the service. Her "Amens" got much louder. She started singing the prayers in both English and Spanish.
**Lord, hear us pray! Nuestro Senor, nos oye!**
I tried to match her in enthusiasm but it was hard because I hadn't the slightest idea what was going on. They finally did a prayer I knew. I got pretty excited and I spoke it very loudly and clearly:
"Our Father, who art in heaven
(HAH! I'LL SHOW YOU!)
Hallowed be Thy Name
(I grabbed Ali's Catholic stepmom's hand)
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
(Man I'm good.)
Give us this day our daily bread
And Forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who have trespassed against us
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from Evil
(And, for the finale!)
FOR THINE...
(shit.)"
I messed up on the "For Thine" because everyone else had stopped saying the prayer. Apparently, everyone stops there so the priest can say something. Ali laughed and I knew my plan to show up the woman with the subtle Mrs-Brady-mullet had failed. I lowered my head sheepishly. After the Lord's Prayer, the Priest asked us to please wish peace to our neighbors. The woman stood up tall in her white pants suit and reached for my hand in a very congenial and gentle manner. I had been afraid that that was going to happen, but I hadn't prepared a response so I let her take it and she shook it and said, "Peace be with you." All of a sudden, I felt very young.
Sigh.
Then, one and a half hours later, mass ended. I'd lost my buzz and the bitch was smiling.
A woman on the bleachers behind me with a very subtle Mrs-Brady-mullet and a loose white pants suit leaned up close to my ear and snapped "YOU KNOW, they told everyone to turn off their phones." I looked back at her with a blend of drunkenness, surprise, and horror and mumbled, "Oh yes, right, I will do that." I acted as if I hadn't heard or simply divined the fact that they didn't want people on their cell phones. Of course, I had done both. I continued texting Eric. Surprised by my persistence, she leaned up again and wrapped her claw around my shoulder and yanked back and said, "YOU KNOW, this is not the Hollywood Bowl or some College Basketball game or something! It is a LITURGY."
I looked back at her and said, "Right, I get it." I finished my text and put my little silver flip phone back in my purse. I got very red. Lately, every time I get embarrassed or angry or run into someone who makes me uncomfortable, I turn very red. I thought about how I should tell the woman that it was my graduation and, if it was quite alright with her, my mother was in the hospital and I was going to go ahead and leave my phone on in case the doctors called me with any news. This, of course, was not true. My mom was very safely in her bed at home in Encinitas and I'm not actually graduating from college. The woman must have sensed my indignance because she started participating much more vigorously in the service. Her "Amens" got much louder. She started singing the prayers in both English and Spanish.
**Lord, hear us pray! Nuestro Senor, nos oye!**
I tried to match her in enthusiasm but it was hard because I hadn't the slightest idea what was going on. They finally did a prayer I knew. I got pretty excited and I spoke it very loudly and clearly:
"Our Father, who art in heaven
(HAH! I'LL SHOW YOU!)
Hallowed be Thy Name
(I grabbed Ali's Catholic stepmom's hand)
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
(Man I'm good.)
Give us this day our daily bread
And Forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who have trespassed against us
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from Evil
(And, for the finale!)
FOR THINE...
(shit.)"
I messed up on the "For Thine" because everyone else had stopped saying the prayer. Apparently, everyone stops there so the priest can say something. Ali laughed and I knew my plan to show up the woman with the subtle Mrs-Brady-mullet had failed. I lowered my head sheepishly. After the Lord's Prayer, the Priest asked us to please wish peace to our neighbors. The woman stood up tall in her white pants suit and reached for my hand in a very congenial and gentle manner. I had been afraid that that was going to happen, but I hadn't prepared a response so I let her take it and she shook it and said, "Peace be with you." All of a sudden, I felt very young.
Sigh.
Then, one and a half hours later, mass ended. I'd lost my buzz and the bitch was smiling.