[muffled screaming]
so like. i went on a date tonight, and it went AMAZINGLY well. like, we were able to connect right away, he's a super good guy, we have a lot in common (to the point where it's almost eerie), he's someone i would definitely be friends with, basically best case scenario in every way. and i guess i like him? even though i've just met him??
and this is where it gets iffy, because, like, i am Very Uncomfortable with intimacy and sincerity and vulnerability. which is okay at the beginning, i think, when you're still getting to know the other person and stuff. but he's so... open? and i'm not? and i don't know how to set boundaries, i guess, because i can't just be like, hey i think you're cool but i'm also emotionally defective and not used to this sort of thing and i don't know what i'm looking for but at this point i should probably just roll with it.
also, he called me sweet. which, like, BIG LOL.
i think i'm overthinking this, but also i don't know what to do. i need to stop self-sabotaging, but i can't even figure out why i want to start dating again in the first place. i guess just because i was looking for something to do? but then that seems kind of shitty, like i'm leading him on or something. i don't know. i haven't dated since high school, so my experience in this is very limited, and although i had a good time back then it's not something i necessarily need in my life, you know? like, abstractly, down the line, at some point it would be nice to get married and shit, but...... i don't know. i feel like i've already passed the point of no return tonight and i'm not sure how i feel about that.
i guess a big part of my brain is just, like, hyperlogical about all this and my line of reasoning is: i've done this before, it was fine, why do i need to do this again. which, i am aware, is not how functional human relationships work. other people aren't just checkboxes off my bucket list. but at what point can i bring this up, and how do i do it in a way that doesn't make me sound like a fucking sociopath????
also, making out is very, very boring.
and this is where it gets iffy, because, like, i am Very Uncomfortable with intimacy and sincerity and vulnerability. which is okay at the beginning, i think, when you're still getting to know the other person and stuff. but he's so... open? and i'm not? and i don't know how to set boundaries, i guess, because i can't just be like, hey i think you're cool but i'm also emotionally defective and not used to this sort of thing and i don't know what i'm looking for but at this point i should probably just roll with it.
also, he called me sweet. which, like, BIG LOL.
i think i'm overthinking this, but also i don't know what to do. i need to stop self-sabotaging, but i can't even figure out why i want to start dating again in the first place. i guess just because i was looking for something to do? but then that seems kind of shitty, like i'm leading him on or something. i don't know. i haven't dated since high school, so my experience in this is very limited, and although i had a good time back then it's not something i necessarily need in my life, you know? like, abstractly, down the line, at some point it would be nice to get married and shit, but...... i don't know. i feel like i've already passed the point of no return tonight and i'm not sure how i feel about that.
i guess a big part of my brain is just, like, hyperlogical about all this and my line of reasoning is: i've done this before, it was fine, why do i need to do this again. which, i am aware, is not how functional human relationships work. other people aren't just checkboxes off my bucket list. but at what point can i bring this up, and how do i do it in a way that doesn't make me sound like a fucking sociopath????
also, making out is very, very boring.