it's been a while since i updated.
last time i really updated was just over a month ago... a lot has happened since then.
mainly i've been freaking out about the giant void that is my life after my sister's wedding in june. what will i do after that date? after i leave here, who will i still talk to, what will happen to my relationships with people, will i be coming back here soon... it's just all a huge blur and giant question mark.
so i should really just concentrate on the good things in life. like getting my girlfriend drunk. like having a good fall break that included visiting the aquarium. like being rather satisfied and relaxed most of the time. i seriously don't know what the hell i was doing last semester--looking back, i must have been deeply, deeply depressed, otherwise i would've never gotten into the mess i did. it's weird to look back and see how low you stoop just to try and forget that someone you love is dying. it's like you are so depressed and way too much in reality that you just need some sort of high to lift yourself out--but you don't do drugs and you don't really drink because you already scared yourself with alcohol once. so the only thing left is sex--like maybe an orgasm will take you to a place outside of your mind--but then that backfires on you because you don't have one. and you don't have one for over a year--so i am glad that drought is gone and i'm glad that i dealt with a little bit of the depression over the summer. but i haven't dealt with nearly enough of it. most of it i just tucked away into a drawer in my head to be dealt with later. maybe when i go home i'll be able to deal. who knows.
so it's good to be feeling somewhat sane again. it's good to be dating someone sane and not just attempting to have decent sex with someone who isn't sane. it's good to be talking to my best friend again. it's good to actually be talking to my parents and having random hour long chats with my father.
and it's weird to have someone tell you that if you don't write the story of your life, they will. i would kind of be interested to see how jess would tell it, too. :-)
mainly i've been freaking out about the giant void that is my life after my sister's wedding in june. what will i do after that date? after i leave here, who will i still talk to, what will happen to my relationships with people, will i be coming back here soon... it's just all a huge blur and giant question mark.
so i should really just concentrate on the good things in life. like getting my girlfriend drunk. like having a good fall break that included visiting the aquarium. like being rather satisfied and relaxed most of the time. i seriously don't know what the hell i was doing last semester--looking back, i must have been deeply, deeply depressed, otherwise i would've never gotten into the mess i did. it's weird to look back and see how low you stoop just to try and forget that someone you love is dying. it's like you are so depressed and way too much in reality that you just need some sort of high to lift yourself out--but you don't do drugs and you don't really drink because you already scared yourself with alcohol once. so the only thing left is sex--like maybe an orgasm will take you to a place outside of your mind--but then that backfires on you because you don't have one. and you don't have one for over a year--so i am glad that drought is gone and i'm glad that i dealt with a little bit of the depression over the summer. but i haven't dealt with nearly enough of it. most of it i just tucked away into a drawer in my head to be dealt with later. maybe when i go home i'll be able to deal. who knows.
so it's good to be feeling somewhat sane again. it's good to be dating someone sane and not just attempting to have decent sex with someone who isn't sane. it's good to be talking to my best friend again. it's good to actually be talking to my parents and having random hour long chats with my father.
and it's weird to have someone tell you that if you don't write the story of your life, they will. i would kind of be interested to see how jess would tell it, too. :-)