I have never been so ashamed and I've never felt so horrible.
OK, on Sunday, I was in Duluth to pick up my brother from the indoor skate park. I was running up a hill like a chicken (or something embarassing like that) with freezing cold wind blowing in my face. Yeah, I looked pretty stupid.
Anyway, at about 10 o'clock my phone rings and I figured it was Scott. Nope. It was John Frye. I was soo nervous I was sweating, I mean it was exciting because he's been on my mind on a daily basis. We talked on the tele for about five hours and we decided we would do something on Monday. I could not sleep that night because I was just excited.
So, I dress all nice and umm.. I met him downtown by the library. We went to his new apartment in east Duluth. So we were watching a movie and we started to cuddle a little, well he started it. All throughout my head I just kept thinking NO! NO! NO! WRONG! NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!, but I never said a thing because I just couldn't stop it because it just felt good.
::sigh::
Then we kissed and it just felt so good. I just wanted to kiss like that for so long. Eventually, we weren't paying much attention to the movie and well, we some how had got down to our underwear. It wasn't like "hot" or sexual hardly; we just kissed a little and tickled talked and and cuddled and played around. I just missed him so much and it was like I had him back. Of course, during this I thought of Scott. I just always told myself that if an oppertunity came up I should take it because Scott lived far away and he has affection problems and it's just really hard when you have someone and they can't always be there for you. It is also very easy for two people who have connected before to connect again. And then I thought of Jeremy and how I felt when I was cheated on. I just have the most disgusted, ashamed feeling all day. I feel like I just hate myself. I also realized how much Scott does like me and if he found out it would just .. I have no idea.
What did I do? It was so out of character.
I have never felt so terrible and I hate it. It just kills me because I have to tell Scott. I just feel it is something I have to do. I can't lie, and if I do stay with him and/or if he decided to keep me, I don't want to have to hide anything. It just has to be this way for me. I just can't do it to him or myself. I am just so scared of what his reaction will be. I talked to him a little and even then he cried. ( I should not be calling him now.) I have to tell him. He said, "Whatever you do just don't cheat on me." I just feel like a horrible, horrible, selfish bitch and I have to come clean even if he hates me, I deserve every bit of it, but I can't lie about something so serious. I can't handle it, so I have to admit my mistake.
And John.. I don't know.. I absolutely adore him and how we work, but I don't want to think about him now. I think I need to write Scott a letter.