schoolishness
I finished my Seminar in Music Curriculum and Methodology project. The paper is done. The powerpoint is done, the lesson plan is done. Woot.
However, I still haven't practiced, don't know if i'll get a chance to, and i'm tired as fuck. i mean seriously. could not sleep, could not get up, almost missed class....and i have to go until 8 PM tonight.
The sad truth is, I'm lazier than most music majors. I don't do recitals, I don't practice a ton, I may not go to the first half of orchestra tonight just so I can find some time to practice before my pointless TE 803 class. But it took me about seven hours to write my paper, and another three to do my powerpoint and lesson plan. It just takes me a long time to do anything. I'm glad it's done, I'm glad that tomorrow after orchestra my weekend starts, but I can't shake this feeling that it's not enough.
What my dad said to me the last time we talked really hurt my feelings. He's so ignorant of everything I do, yet when I can't do something with Civic because of a class conflict at school, suddenly I'm lazy and I don't try. And of course I'll never get paid by Civic (HAH, like they would pay me anyway) because I'm not doing this Shostakovich concert.
I hate feeling like nothing i ever do is good enough. i don't even know what would be "good enough" for me because i'm too busy fighting off the attacks from everyone else who doesn't understand how hard it is to be a music major. It's not about doing my homework and turning it in. It's about constantly being scrutinized and evaluated, every move is a performance, whether it's with my instrument or when I'm teaching or when I'm writing lesson plans or just trying to get through the day. There's a reason that music ed ties with premed for the most number of credits needed for an undergrad degree. Maybe if people like my father could fucking understand that, I wouldn't feel so frustrated with everyone in my family.
And maybe I might actually enjoy what i do.
However, I still haven't practiced, don't know if i'll get a chance to, and i'm tired as fuck. i mean seriously. could not sleep, could not get up, almost missed class....and i have to go until 8 PM tonight.
The sad truth is, I'm lazier than most music majors. I don't do recitals, I don't practice a ton, I may not go to the first half of orchestra tonight just so I can find some time to practice before my pointless TE 803 class. But it took me about seven hours to write my paper, and another three to do my powerpoint and lesson plan. It just takes me a long time to do anything. I'm glad it's done, I'm glad that tomorrow after orchestra my weekend starts, but I can't shake this feeling that it's not enough.
What my dad said to me the last time we talked really hurt my feelings. He's so ignorant of everything I do, yet when I can't do something with Civic because of a class conflict at school, suddenly I'm lazy and I don't try. And of course I'll never get paid by Civic (HAH, like they would pay me anyway) because I'm not doing this Shostakovich concert.
I hate feeling like nothing i ever do is good enough. i don't even know what would be "good enough" for me because i'm too busy fighting off the attacks from everyone else who doesn't understand how hard it is to be a music major. It's not about doing my homework and turning it in. It's about constantly being scrutinized and evaluated, every move is a performance, whether it's with my instrument or when I'm teaching or when I'm writing lesson plans or just trying to get through the day. There's a reason that music ed ties with premed for the most number of credits needed for an undergrad degree. Maybe if people like my father could fucking understand that, I wouldn't feel so frustrated with everyone in my family.
And maybe I might actually enjoy what i do.