(no subject)
I feel empty, drained, and pointless. Why am I letting life just happen to me? I never do anything to better it, really; I'm not in any school clubs (literary magazine fell through, I guess) and I barely do anything outside of my small cirle of friends.
I sit here, and it's like I expect the good things, the fearie tale endings, to suddenly just find me. Well you know what? I'm no ####### sleeping beauty, and if I want to be happy, I'm going to have to go out there and make myself happy.
How could I have deluded myself into thinking everything would just fall into place for so long? That one -just one is all i wanted- guy would look at me and see something beneath the shallow blindside society and places like Abercrombie have forced me into? That I could just find that small bit of comfort in so utterly naive and idiotic that I feel shamed of myself. No one is going to ever see me like I want to be seen -for the girl I really am, you know? The one who's a writer (my friends just call it a silly like past-time, but it's who I am, dammit), who doesn't wear the expensive, skin-tight clothes everyone else does because she hates how she looks. Who just needs to be held sometimes.
It isn't going to happen unless I do something about it, but I'm just so afraid after what happened last time. I can't trust my insticts anymore, they rorally screwed me over with Kevin and my knee, and god knows what else. I don't trust myself to be myself anymore.
To expose that part of me again, because last time I did, I was completely rejected and had it shoved back in my face, is terrifying. I feel like giving up and just hitting something until my knuckles bleed.
Why can;t I just turst myself and get out there?
I sit here, and it's like I expect the good things, the fearie tale endings, to suddenly just find me. Well you know what? I'm no ####### sleeping beauty, and if I want to be happy, I'm going to have to go out there and make myself happy.
How could I have deluded myself into thinking everything would just fall into place for so long? That one -just one is all i wanted- guy would look at me and see something beneath the shallow blindside society and places like Abercrombie have forced me into? That I could just find that small bit of comfort in so utterly naive and idiotic that I feel shamed of myself. No one is going to ever see me like I want to be seen -for the girl I really am, you know? The one who's a writer (my friends just call it a silly like past-time, but it's who I am, dammit), who doesn't wear the expensive, skin-tight clothes everyone else does because she hates how she looks. Who just needs to be held sometimes.
It isn't going to happen unless I do something about it, but I'm just so afraid after what happened last time. I can't trust my insticts anymore, they rorally screwed me over with Kevin and my knee, and god knows what else. I don't trust myself to be myself anymore.
To expose that part of me again, because last time I did, I was completely rejected and had it shoved back in my face, is terrifying. I feel like giving up and just hitting something until my knuckles bleed.
Why can;t I just turst myself and get out there?