i couldn't not see you how could I not see you bitch you left me you left me with MONTHS of silence and I kept I kept I kept waiting two summers burning in my mind those fucking two summers still incomplete and I have no will to complete them, not now at this present moment in between here and there and linear and colors, but how could I not see you dedication. DEDICATION i do not take lightly i remember you posted something-- once I remember clearly and I wondered if I should comment wondered raged debated and yes, yes, yes, i-we cultivate online personas so carefully i didn't say anything i didn't dare show that i missed you (there are reasons for the front, cultivated like a careful horticultural experiment from reality, the physical world, there was a time when I could stop tears in their tracks. in their tracks. stop them. say to myself stop. feel my eyes water and say STOP and then my eyes were so dry I couldn't cry even if I wanted to) kindred oh kindred I've been abandoned more times than I can tell you wonderful, transcendental friendships out there, between bodies and faces and rich voices thick with thoughts as fat as gravy abandoned, broken, and I was left with fragments, asking what went wrong, why, what did I do, why does this always happen kindred I've been told one too many times that I'm too intense and you were my kindred because you're too intense too but I felt abandoned so I didn't reach out (hand burned) i couldn't help but see you but I've been abandoned before, and patterns lead to resignation. when did i become so pathetic kindred I've been listening to tupac and I think of you I think of you, and I think of two summers, and I think of rap, and music, and rhyme, and why the world keeps turning in circles kindred, your words are fucking burned into me and you thought I could forget you? you thought I couldn't see you? you're too intense to not be seen you're like a fucking strobe light and I stare until the darkness inverts to light and my corneas retinas cones and rods and irises somersault into night-day moon-sun monsoon ekileptic eklipse and I might be blind after touching you but I will never forget your words of self destructive purgatory are some of the rawest most powerful pieces of shredded glass I've ever read so fuck you. fuck your silence MONTHS yeah I missed you this bad. you thought I couldn't see you and it's not your fault, none of this is your fault even though I'm screaming at you I'm screaming at you because because as sick and twisted as this sounds, you see me I can scream at you and you'll scream back I can scream at you and you'll scream back I scream into the internet, this great wide cyberspace and I'm met with silence, a windless airless breathless place I scream at you and you scream back dedication. I dedicated it to you and I do not take dedications lightly. i see you. listen to the rap and find the flowing truth truth flowing in dark blood color from blood to red to rust to brown to beige to blot how does something so full of life, flowing with truth and blood turn into red and rust and brown and beige and blot how does it and in our memories we forget the intensity of color everything turns yellow or beige or grey or blot monochrome and linear kindred, oh kindred I couldn't not see you I'm screaming at you, can you hear? I couldn't not see you
but don't you see my self perception is the snake, this not born of one shotgun, it's born of childhood self hatred of course you couldn't see me, to me. i couldn't understand it from the first.
i'm the broken puppet i'm the snake i'm the ugly most disgusting in stolen words and phrases disjointed floppy patterns rooted in a rotted mind who could stand such a thing?
how you see me, how others say they see me, how my family sees me, this i do not understand at all
so when not replied i shut up. i expect this but i find i bring it about as a self fulfilling prophesy i force others to dislike me as reflex because they surely must hate me and see into me where i am the great ugly
it's true i don't see can't see blinded by strobes the dentist's light shining on my teeth maybe i never saw from the outset they give you sunglasses when you sit in the swivly chair
i don't see and i couldn't see but i am thankful that you have julesraven that you have her, for I failed
You did not fail me, we failed each other. It's very obvious now, that our neurosis have the potential to sync up in a way that will lead us both to silence.
I will shut down. I will shut out. I will curl into a ball and rock myself because the inner part of me is damaged BUT I am not unusual. It am not special in having this affliction. Being too sensitive to the world makes me cry at nothing, become incapacitated during disasters and make the wrong decisions, write overwrought poetry on music, feelings, death, love, sex and the process of getting the words out...
And It makes me a pain in the fucking ass. People have to deal with my depressive disorders or abandon me for their own sanity. But know this, my issues aren't caused by the actions of others. I react as I do because I was born this way.
My relationship with you has brought me great joy. Another person, who is usually silent here, knows how distraught I have been for 40 weeks prior to writing duo-decka. Her question to me has always been, "why don't you REACH out. You are so upset. Why don't you do this?"
I was afraid. Like you, afraid of being hurt. You'd sent, I'd sent, something happened.
We're like A Poets Affair To Remember: The Exclusive LiveJournal drama. Tune in to see which poet you want to slap harder for being a moron.
HAVESEXALREADY the audience cries!
I want to scream for JOY. That's what I really want to do.
I'm sorry I hurt you. I just want to take your hand again. You said you wanted me back. You have me. I will try to be more temperate with the blades of my windmill and not cut you to pieces with guilt. I would rather carry us away, on what would no doubt be a rather artless attempt to engender joy, but there you have it.
I know you need only turn a phrase to incite my imagination to wordfull wanderings. You inspire me. I will be grateful to the end of my days for this gift you have that affects me so.
Thank you for taking me back into the duo-decka world of you. I can see beyond the flat line now. I know color has a source... it truly does.
I was thinking the same thing- A Poets Affair To Remember god, I'm so happy (words and words and words! yours and mine together in rhythm beat rap god I love your rap and the beat you carry in your head) ((do you know, I have friends and acquaintances who are good to me, but there's always a but) INSPIRATION) so hard to come by it's like chemistry, but better creation not of sex and babies, but of words that are just as temporal but still more eternal thank you for being what I didn't have the guts for a duo-decka world needs a duo
I am very glad to hear yours. God, .... I am so grateful for typing blindly past tears in notepad and then posting. Trust me, I never ever expected you'd see it.
Wow. But you did. Wow. And you knew EXACTLY what it was about. Holy fuck. And you understood.
We are good.
Do you want me to lock this down to only us? Let me know and it shall be done. Thy will be done. I am fine with my public nudity. I had once frequently written in a journal long gone to the tech crash (my god all that work gone!!), that my words were mental masturbation, that i had to read them over and over, in love with them, but that this masturbation only worked in public and in the nude. It's an odd form of self obsession. I think we understand each other a little on this yes i think so. it's a kind of insanity
on the other hand, having a safe place to communicate has its own merits. it's safer than emails. you can't miss it.
you tell me. i can create a thread just for us separate from this. if we write something in it we want to pull out and make public we can. It can be a place to bounce if you wish. I dunno.
I'm just so happy
.
edited for period control. WHAT? yes. period control . .
you know, for some reason, as intimate as this thread is-- I never thought of locking it down. as though this should be out in the open, let them be voyeurs, I don't care. I used to be so afraid of people seeing my mental masturbation, but it seems I've gotten addicted to it now. you're perfect. it works only in public, nude. let's not make it separate, for now. we can change it whenever we wants. i used to not know how people could find public exposure hot. I think I get it (a little little) now
how could I not see you
bitch you left me you left me with MONTHS
of silence and I kept I kept I kept waiting
two summers burning in my mind
those fucking two summers still incomplete and I have no will to complete them, not now at this present moment in between here and there and linear and colors, but how could I not see you
dedication. DEDICATION i do not take lightly
i remember you posted something-- once
I remember clearly and I wondered if I should comment
wondered raged debated and yes, yes, yes, i-we cultivate
online personas so carefully
i didn't say anything i didn't dare show that i missed you
(there are reasons for the front, cultivated like a careful horticultural experiment from reality, the physical world,
there was a time when I could stop tears in their tracks. in their tracks. stop them. say to myself stop. feel my eyes water and say STOP and then my eyes were so dry I couldn't cry even if I wanted to)
kindred
oh kindred
I've been abandoned more times than I can tell you
wonderful, transcendental friendships out there, between bodies and faces and rich voices thick with thoughts as fat as gravy
abandoned, broken, and I was left with fragments, asking
what went wrong, why, what did I do, why does this always happen
kindred I've been told one too many times that I'm too intense
and you were my kindred because you're too intense too
but I felt abandoned so I didn't reach out (hand burned)
i couldn't help but see you
but I've been abandoned before, and patterns lead to resignation. when did i become so pathetic
kindred I've been listening to tupac and I think of you
I think of you, and I think of two summers, and I think of rap, and music, and rhyme, and why the world keeps turning in circles
kindred, your words are fucking burned into me and you thought I could forget you?
you thought I couldn't see you?
you're too intense to not be seen
you're like a fucking strobe light and I stare until the darkness inverts to light and my corneas retinas cones and rods and irises somersault into night-day moon-sun monsoon ekileptic eklipse and I might be blind after touching you but I will never forget
your words of self destructive purgatory are some of the rawest most powerful pieces of shredded glass I've ever read
so fuck you. fuck your silence MONTHS
yeah I missed you this bad.
you thought I couldn't see you and it's not your fault, none of this is your fault even though I'm screaming at you
I'm screaming at you because because
as sick and twisted as this sounds, you see me
I can scream at you and you'll scream back
I can scream at you and you'll scream back
I scream into the internet, this great wide cyberspace and I'm met with silence, a windless airless breathless place
I scream at you and you scream back
dedication. I dedicated it to you and I do not take dedications lightly.
i see you. listen to the rap and find the flowing truth
truth flowing in dark blood
color from blood to red to rust to brown to beige to blot
how does something so full of life, flowing with truth and blood
turn into red and rust and brown and beige and blot
how does it
and in our memories we forget the intensity of color
everything turns yellow or beige or grey or blot
monochrome and linear
kindred, oh kindred
I couldn't not see you
I'm screaming at you, can you hear?
I couldn't not see you
Reply
Anger
Flow
Reply
Thank you for all these. I am listening.
.
Reply
of course you couldn't see me, to me. i couldn't understand it from the first.
i'm the broken puppet
i'm the snake
i'm the ugly most disgusting in stolen words
and phrases disjointed floppy patterns rooted in a rotted mind who could stand such a thing?
how you see me, how others say they see me, how my family sees me, this i do not understand at all
so when not replied i shut up. i expect this but i find i bring it about as a self fulfilling prophesy i force others to dislike me as reflex because they surely must hate me and see into me where i am the great ugly
the one who understand this most, is julesraven.
: (
shit i cry and won't be getting no eggnog
.
Reply
can't see blinded by strobes
the dentist's light shining on my teeth
maybe i never saw from the outset
they give you sunglasses when you sit in the swivly chair
i don't see
and i couldn't see
but i am thankful that you have julesraven
that you have her, for I failed
Reply
I will shut down. I will shut out. I will curl into a ball and rock myself because the inner part of me is damaged BUT I am not unusual. It am not special in having this affliction. Being too sensitive to the world makes me cry at nothing, become incapacitated during disasters and make the wrong decisions, write overwrought poetry on music, feelings, death, love, sex and the process of getting the words out...
And It makes me a pain in the fucking ass. People have to deal with my depressive disorders or abandon me for their own sanity. But know this, my issues aren't caused by the actions of others. I react as I do because I was born this way.
My relationship with you has brought me great joy. Another person, who is usually silent here, knows how distraught I have been for 40 weeks prior to writing duo-decka. Her question to me has always been, "why don't you REACH out. You are so upset. Why don't you do this?"
I was afraid. Like you, afraid of being hurt. You'd sent, I'd sent, something happened.
We're like A Poets Affair To Remember: The Exclusive LiveJournal drama. Tune in to see which poet you want to slap harder for being a moron.
HAVESEXALREADY the audience cries!
I want to scream for JOY. That's what I really want to do.
I'm sorry I hurt you. I just want to take your hand again. You said you wanted me back. You have me. I will try to be more temperate with the blades of my windmill and not cut you to pieces with guilt. I would rather carry us away, on what would no doubt be a rather artless attempt to engender joy, but there you have it.
I know you need only turn a phrase to incite my imagination to wordfull wanderings. You inspire me. I will be grateful to the end of my days for this gift you have that affects me so.
Thank you for taking me back into the duo-decka world of you. I can see beyond the flat line now. I know color has a source... it truly does.
.
Reply
god, I'm so happy (words and words and words! yours and mine together in rhythm beat rap
god I love your rap and the beat you carry in your head)
((do you know, I have friends and acquaintances who are good to me, but there's always a but) INSPIRATION) so hard to come by
it's like chemistry, but better
creation not of sex and babies, but of words that are just as temporal but still more eternal
thank you for being what I didn't have the guts for
a duo-decka world needs a duo
Reply
best beloveds
when i do this thing
i didn't know i did it to you too
i thought you did it to me
fuck me
.
Reply
faults, how thoughtless and foolish I have been
my stolen words and hollow thoughts
i'm selfish, and the only thing i can think is
so glad to hear your voice again
Reply
I am very glad to hear yours. God, .... I am so grateful for typing blindly past tears in notepad and then posting. Trust me, I never ever expected you'd see it.
Wow. But you did. Wow. And you knew EXACTLY what it was about. Holy fuck. And you understood.
We are good.
Do you want me to lock this down to only us? Let me know and it shall be done. Thy will be done. I am fine with my public nudity. I had once frequently written in a journal long gone to the tech crash (my god all that work gone!!), that my words were mental masturbation, that i had to read them over and over, in love with them, but that this masturbation only worked in public and in the nude. It's an odd form of self obsession. I think we understand each other a little on this
yes
i think so.
it's a kind of insanity
on the other hand, having a safe place to communicate has its own merits. it's safer than emails. you can't miss it.
you tell me. i can create a thread just for us separate from this. if we write something in it we want to pull out and make public we can. It can be a place to bounce if you wish. I dunno.
I'm just so happy
.
edited for period control. WHAT? yes. period control . .
Reply
let's not make it separate, for now. we can change it whenever we wants. i used to not know how people could find public exposure hot. I think I get it (a little little) now
Reply
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