The Ritalin Diaries - Week 5, Days 1-4
Missed a few days here. Haven't had a lot to day about the last few days. But there is some news, so here we go.
After another check-up to see how the drug's affecting me and, well, it seems that they are just NOT comfortable with where my pulse is being at. Still at more than 90bpm when I go there (vs. ~82bpm at home and ~70bpm at home without the Ritalin, though there could be a problem with how I'm counting?) with blood pressure that's just starting to get into pre-dangerous territory (120/85) so... yeah, they just aren't comfortable with it.
All this tanked my mood yesterday. Failing to pour that tanked mood into creativity, I played a load of video games.
However, since rattsu and I are planning to gonna try and get some drinking in, I've elected not to take my meds today (what with how there should be a one-day buffer between Ritalin and alcohol consumption (or vice-versa)) which is hopefully gonna be good for my mood. Aaaand that's being an interesting thing because while I am absolutely noticing my brain backsliding a bit. Like, I'm still thinking better, which I think could well be the residual amphetamines in my system or at least the effects thereof, but I can tell my head is spinning again, like some of the cogs have lost teeth, just looking to get some purchase, little fireworks shooting off and going POP POP POP and sending my attention going hither and yon.
I wonder if you can read it in the text. Some folks have said they could.
Mostly I'm noticing that despite getting ten hours of sleep last night, I'm still sluggish and getting the midday drain that has been a normal part of things without the meds. That's being just... guh. But also something that'll pass, so... yeah.
Gonna be interesting to see how this all works when they put me on the Concerta, which is tentatively the plan because the 10mg of Ritalin is really starting to lose its strongest effects. I'm absolutely feeling better and days like today really put a pin in that for me but it just doesn't give me the surge I'd really like. I keep hoping against hope that there's something that'll just snap the forebrain into action and give me the gopower I want. I sorta fear that that's asking a bit much; I can get a better-working executive function but I won't be getting one that works at the industry standard. As they've said: a prosthetic.
And while prosthetics can serve a lot of the same functions, they are not themselves the same thing.
Those limits are serving to frustrate me. I was putting a probably-unreasonable amount of hope in this stuff that it'd be the key to opening up my brain to sustained work or at least that it'd be good enough to help me push forward easier.
Again, I'm better but I'm not where I'd like to be. I don't think I ever will be and I think it's one of those things where it's just gonna be one of those things where I have to encourage my brain to do the "this is just how I live now" that is so often its natural state.
Little depressed but tomorrow rattsu comes down and we're gonna get something to drink and I'll get mad stupid for a little and then hopefully come Monday, my brain'll snap back hard and if nothing else, I'll feel smarter and the placebo effect'll carry me through the rest of the way back into working.
After another check-up to see how the drug's affecting me and, well, it seems that they are just NOT comfortable with where my pulse is being at. Still at more than 90bpm when I go there (vs. ~82bpm at home and ~70bpm at home without the Ritalin, though there could be a problem with how I'm counting?) with blood pressure that's just starting to get into pre-dangerous territory (120/85) so... yeah, they just aren't comfortable with it.
All this tanked my mood yesterday. Failing to pour that tanked mood into creativity, I played a load of video games.
However, since rattsu and I are planning to gonna try and get some drinking in, I've elected not to take my meds today (what with how there should be a one-day buffer between Ritalin and alcohol consumption (or vice-versa)) which is hopefully gonna be good for my mood. Aaaand that's being an interesting thing because while I am absolutely noticing my brain backsliding a bit. Like, I'm still thinking better, which I think could well be the residual amphetamines in my system or at least the effects thereof, but I can tell my head is spinning again, like some of the cogs have lost teeth, just looking to get some purchase, little fireworks shooting off and going POP POP POP and sending my attention going hither and yon.
I wonder if you can read it in the text. Some folks have said they could.
Mostly I'm noticing that despite getting ten hours of sleep last night, I'm still sluggish and getting the midday drain that has been a normal part of things without the meds. That's being just... guh. But also something that'll pass, so... yeah.
Gonna be interesting to see how this all works when they put me on the Concerta, which is tentatively the plan because the 10mg of Ritalin is really starting to lose its strongest effects. I'm absolutely feeling better and days like today really put a pin in that for me but it just doesn't give me the surge I'd really like. I keep hoping against hope that there's something that'll just snap the forebrain into action and give me the gopower I want. I sorta fear that that's asking a bit much; I can get a better-working executive function but I won't be getting one that works at the industry standard. As they've said: a prosthetic.
And while prosthetics can serve a lot of the same functions, they are not themselves the same thing.
Those limits are serving to frustrate me. I was putting a probably-unreasonable amount of hope in this stuff that it'd be the key to opening up my brain to sustained work or at least that it'd be good enough to help me push forward easier.
Again, I'm better but I'm not where I'd like to be. I don't think I ever will be and I think it's one of those things where it's just gonna be one of those things where I have to encourage my brain to do the "this is just how I live now" that is so often its natural state.
Little depressed but tomorrow rattsu comes down and we're gonna get something to drink and I'll get mad stupid for a little and then hopefully come Monday, my brain'll snap back hard and if nothing else, I'll feel smarter and the placebo effect'll carry me through the rest of the way back into working.